2 Ways That 'The Ick' Is Sabotaging Gen Z Relationships

Do you have 'the ick,' or are you just being shallow? Here's how the latter can lead to you miss out on golden opportunities.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 01, 2024

Imagine being on a first date with someone, and things seem to be going really well. You have lots to talk about, they're attractive, funny and kind. At some point, they show you a picture of them kissing their dog on the mouth. Suddenly, the person who seemed so promising becomes so repulsive that you cannot wait for the date to be over.

This confusing sensation is colloquially called "the ick." It refers to an instantaneous aversion to a potential partner, often triggered by a specific behavior or personality trait. This sense of disgust can be so strong that it abruptly extinguishes any romantic interest.

Interestingly, an abrupt feeling of disgust can be beneficial in everyday social interactions. A 2012 study published in The Year in Cognitive Neuroscience found that a sense of disgust can help us avoid diseases or choose suitable partners by rejecting individuals who violate social norms. However, "the ick" has skewed this natural defense mechanism.

Simply typing the phrase into your search engine makes it clear how much Gen Z has adopted it into their dating culture. Social media, particularly platforms like TikTok, have become breeding grounds for "ick" discourse. Videos and memes list and dissect various niche "icks," ranging from seemingly harmless quirks like oversharing to more serious concerns such as having a controlling or rude personality.

While it may allow singles to address real incompatibilities, this seemingly playful buzzword could also be psychologically harming young adults entering the dating world by making them impulsively dismiss potentially compatible partners.

Here are two reasons why giving in to "the ick" can be harmful.

1. You Miss Out On Genuine Connections

Once someone gets the ick, they tend to believe that the relationship is undoubtedly destined to fail. These snap judgments are often based on superficial information, preventing them from looking beyond surface-level traits to discover deeper qualities and shared values that could form the basis of a genuine connection.

Upon closer examination, quirks or behaviors that initially trigger an "ick" could be harmless or even endearing. In her book Red Flags, author Diane Metcalf discusses the importance of differentiating between harmless icks that can be overlooked and genuine red flags.

Some icks, like a person displaying aggressive behavior or being rude to strangers, are indicators of serious issues that warrant attention. However, many icks, such as an annoying laugh or chewing too loudly, are trivial concerns that should not end a potential relationship.

Dismissing partners for trivial reasons— like sneezing too hard— can make you overlook the abundance of positive qualities they may have to offer. It can take time, effort and consistency to develop a truly fulfilling relationship and it's important to objectively evaluate the severity and personal importance of an ick before making a decision about your date.

2. You Miss Out On Personal Growth

TikTok videos of young women getting the ick over a guy's walk might seem like harmless, amusing content. However, this trend might also be rooted in deep-seated anxieties or a fear of intimacy.

A 2022 study published in Nature Reviews Psychology explores how individuals with insecure attachment styles can avoid intimate relationships to sidestep the possibility of experiencing painful rejection or abandonment.

However, in trying to protect themselves, such individuals may unknowingly avoid potentially healthy relationships. This can also prevent them from understanding and reflecting on their triggers, biases and preferences.

Healthy relationships require communication, compromise and understanding. The ick can prevent you from empathizing with and learning from others' experiences and behaviors. If you frequently end relationships prematurely, you may be holding on to unrealistic expectations of others. Nurturing the ability to tolerate and accept imperfections in others is essential to making relationships work.

Navigating the ick is about balance and trusting your intuition rather than your immediate reactions to a person. While it is essential to recognize and respect your boundaries, allowing the ick to dictate your actions prevents you from forming a realistic and compassionate view of potential love interests.

Instead, by approaching dating with openness, self-awareness and a willingness to look beyond initial impressions, you can utilize the concept of "the ick" as a tool for self-discovery and relationship growth rather than a barrier to connection.

Curious whether your "icks" signify a deeper fear of intimacy? Take this test to find out: Fear Of Intimacy Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.