A Therapist Teaches You How To Be Less Hesitant In Your Dating Journey

Just because dating makes you anxious doesn't mean you have to slow down your quest for love.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | November 25, 2023

‘Hesidating,’ as the phrase suggests, refers to the dating trend of seeing people and going into the dating scene with a non-committal approach, perhaps feeling indifferent about pursuing a serious or casual connection due to the uncertainties of their life.

Signs you’ve matched with a ‘hesidater’ include avoiding vulnerability, displaying disinterest or canceling plans, being overly particular, experiencing a shift in energy, avoiding hard conversations and last-minute flakiness. Identifying ‘hesidating’ in others is crucial, especially if you are seeking something serious. While some overtly show hesitation, others may subtly reveal it. 

Hesidating in oneself may also go unnoticed without introspection or reflection. Minimal effort on dating apps, indecision about a particular date despite them meeting your criteria and constant plan postponement may signal unreadiness on your end.

If you suspect yourself or a potential partner to be hesidating, here are two questions you can reflect on to gain clarity.

1. Are You Uncertain About Whether You Want Something Casual Or Serious? 

Clarifying your intentions is a crucial initial step. Reflect on whether you want a casual or serious relationship taking into account your current mindset, stage of life and emotional state. Uncertainty about the desired level of commitment can be a bone of contention in your dating journey.

Spend time exploring your own needs and desires, carefully considering what aligns with your long-term goals and personal fulfillment. Understand the difference between casual and serious connections to effectively communicate with potential partners. 

For example, casual relationships may prioritize spontaneity and less commitment. According to research, these relationships are characterized by ambiguity, reflected in varying terms related to commitment, investment and emotional closeness. 

On the contrary, serious connections involve deeper emotional involvement and long-term commitment. For instance, a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, exploring how commitment desirability influences relationship success, found that those desiring commitment actively seek partners with strong commitment, correlating with positive outcomes, especially when partners are perceived as highly committed.

So, pay attention to actions and consistency in behavior. Actions often speak louder than words and observing how you engage with a potential partner over time can provide valuable insights into your commitment to the relationship.

This approach leads to transparency and prevents misunderstandings. Additionally, such an introspective process not only aids self-discovery but also contributes to establishing a transparent and flexible channel of communication with a potential partner, which is extremely healthy in both long- and short-term relationships.

2. Are You Considering Not Dating At All?

If you find yourself questioning the desire to date, delve into the reasons behind this hesitation and assess whether it aligns with your personal goals. Examining the root causes of your reluctance can help you grow into a person who embraces dating or a person who accepts the fact that they do not want to venture into the dating world at the moment—both valid states of being.

Your hesitation may stem from past experiences, a need for self-discovery or a focus on personal growth. To determine if you are emotionally ready to commit to a relationship, ask yourself these three reflective questions:

1. How have my past dating experiences influenced my current perspective and how do they shape my approach to potential relationships? According to research, your past dating experiences, along with how happy you are in your current relationship, play a role in how you think about what might happen in future relationships.
2. Do my personal goals align with the potential emotional demands of dating and have I identified any fears or concerns that may be contributing to my hesitation?
3. When envisioning a healthy romantic relationship, what aspects of personal growth and fulfillment do I believe require attention before fully committing to the dating scene?

Conclusion

Understanding why you might be hesitant to engage in dating enables you to make informed decisions about your romantic life. This could be an opportune time to prioritize self-care and personal exploration, ensuring that when you do decide to date, it aligns with your genuine desires and readiness for a meaningful connection. By taking the time to cultivate emotional well-being, you ensure that you enter the dating scene with a strong foundation, capable of navigating the complexities of a committed relationship.