This Single 'Micro-Decision' Can Determine The Course Of Your Relationship
It's not the large, grand gestures that shape your relationship's fate. Rather, it's the small choices you make in quiet moments.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 04, 2024
In relationships, the big decisions—the choice to move in together, to get married or even to part ways—are often front and center. These major milestones are easy to identify as pivotal, with clear consequences for your future together. Yet equally impactful, though often overlooked, are the subtle, everyday micro-decisions that shape the quality and longevity of a relationship.
One of the most powerful, yet rarely discussed, is the decision about how you respond when your partner reaches out with small bids for attention or affection. These "bids for connection," a term coined by relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, encompass any small gesture your partner makes to feel seen, supported or connected. They could be as simple as a passing comment, a quick glance in your direction or an offhand request for help.
These moments are frequent, even if they may go unnoticed in the hustle of daily life, and they each carry a hidden importance that's easy to miss.
The Micro-Decision Of Emotional Responsiveness
According to a 2011 study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the quality of a relationship relies on the belief that one's partner is responsive—that is, on the perception that the partner truly understands, values and supports aspects of one's identity.
It is the ability to recognize, understand and react to your partner's emotional needs or bids for connection. These bids might include your partner sharing a meme, commenting on a news story or asking for your opinion on something minor like dinner plans.
In these instances, you face a crucial choice: do you engage and demonstrate interest in your partner's world, or do you let the moment slip by without acknowledgment? Your response can significantly shape the trajectory of your relationship, influencing intimacy and emotional safety.
To better understand this dynamic, consider three types of responses to these bids.
1. Active engagement. Responding with emotional responsiveness means actively engaging in these moments and validating your partner's feelings. This could involve showing genuine interest, asking follow-up questions or simply acknowledging their effort to connect. Such responses send a powerful message—"I see you, I hear you, and I care about what you're sharing." This engagement nurtures emotional closeness and reinforces the bond between partners.
2. Dismissal. On the other hand, when you miss or dismiss these bids, the impact may not be immediately apparent, but the cumulative effect can be profound. Each unacknowledged bid creates a tiny rift in your emotional connection. While your partner might not express their hurt in the moment, they may gradually stop making bids altogether, assuming that you won't respond or aren't interested. Over time, this pattern of neglect can foster feelings of distance and disconnection.
3. Postponed engagement. A subtler form of emotional disengagement is postponed engagement, which occurs when you indicate that you'll respond to your partner's bid later but then fail to follow through. For example, if your partner shares a story and you reply with, "That's interesting! I'll have to check it out later," but subsequently forget or prioritize other tasks, your partner may feel dismissed. This unintentional neglect conveys a message of disinterest, making them feel like their thoughts and feelings aren't important enough to warrant immediate attention.
Delaying engagement, sooner or later, can lead to frustration and widen emotional gaps. Just like with dismissal, a partner who feels overlooked may start to pull away emotionally or hesitate to initiate bids for connection, worried that their efforts will be met with indifference. It's crucial to be mindful of the promises we make in these moments and strive to either engage fully or acknowledge our limitations honestly.
How To Start Responding To Bids For Connection
Once we are aware of these micro-decisions, we can make a conscious effort to turn toward our partner's bids, even when it feels insignificant.
- Choose presence over distraction. Even if you're tired or distracted, make the micro-decision to engage, even briefly. This could be a simple, "That sounds interesting," or "Tell me more about it."
- Express genuine interest. Show that you care about their inner world. Even if the subject seems unimportant to you, it holds meaning for your partner. Ask a follow-up question or share your own thoughts on the topic.
- Recognize missed opportunities. It's okay if you miss these moments sometimes. What matters is recognizing when you've overlooked a bid and making an effort to connect afterward.
- Reframe "small talk" as "connection talk." What might feel like trivial small talk is actually an invitation for connection. See each conversation exchanged as a small step toward a stronger connection.
In essence, these small, almost imperceptible micro-decisions you make every day make a world of difference in your relationship. So, the next time your partner shares a passing thought or invites you into a seemingly trivial conversation, remember that your choice to engage is more than just a casual interaction—it's a micro-decision that's quietly shaping the future of your relationship.
How tuned in are you to your partner's calls for connection? Take the Perceived Responsiveness Test to see if you're picking up what they're putting down.
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.