Research Teaches Us How To Make An Insecure Romantic Partner Feel Secure

Here is how you can hold hands with someone who constantly does things to push you away.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 19, 2023

A new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explains how simple acts of love and affection can accumulate to make your romantic relationship a more secure place for your insecure partner.

We are often tempted to walk away from someone who has an insecure attachment style because of the complications it might give rise to. Or, we resist taking responsibility to help them feel better, brushing it off as "their problem."

Psychologist Gul Gunaydin of Sabanci University in Istanbul, Turkey and lead author of the new study explains that you do not have to move mountains to effect meaningful change. Through the study, she explored if having positive romantic experiences—doing something fun and romantically fulfilling with your partner—can help an insecure partner feel more secure in the relationship.

"An essential ingredient that contributes to a happy relationship is experiencing positive relationship events," she explains. "Although the role of positive relationship experiences in relationship quality, satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment are well-established, their role in adult attachment processes has been understudied. That's why we wanted to undertake this research question."

A positive romantic experience can range from a luxurious weekend getaway to sharing the details of your day with your partner at night and unwinding with them before you turn in for bed, according to Gunaydin. As long as both partners are fully present and walk away from the experience feeling seen, heard and loved, it qualifies as a positive romantic experience.

Fledgling couples and newlyweds were asked to fill out daily diaries over the course of the study along with daily check-ins about positive experiences as well as moments of romantic avoidance.

The study produced two key insights:

Participants who reported a higher number of positive romantic experiences exhibited a reduction in romantic avoidance.
Positive romantic experiences did not have strong links with romantic anxiety and worries of abandonment.

"The critical finding from that study was that behaviors validating the partner and the relationship—such as expressing gratitude about the experience or expressing enthusiasm about the future of the relationship—were linked to decreases in attachment avoidance over a month," clarifies Gunaydin.

According to Gunaydin, positive romantic experiences are effective with romantic avoidance because they prompt an individual to associate positive feelings and a general sense of positivity with their partner. Avoidant partners, due to their attachment style, have brief windows of vulnerability where they show their true selves. Turning those windows into moments of happiness and shared joy can deepen the bond and alleviate the trust issues they struggle with.

However, these experiences might not be as effective with romantic anxiety because anxious attachment, most often, stems from negative self-views.

"According to recent theorizing, anxious attachment is linked with having negative self-views," explains Gunaydin. "So, behaviors counteracting negative self-views (such as encouraging your partner to independently pursue their own goals) likely play a more pivotal role in reducing romantic anxiety."

Gunaydin emphasizes that something as simple as taking a walk while holding hands contributes to the overall health of your relationship. The magnitude of the gesture does not matter as much as the meaningfulness or the frequency of it.

"When jointly reminiscing about these positive experiences, partners can try to validate one another and the relationship," she adds. "For example, by telling how grateful they are for sharing the experience, disclosing positive emotions they felt during the experience, or expressing how much they look forward to similar experiences in the future."

Finally, for anyone who feels 'stuck' with their insecure attachment style, Gunaydin has the following advice:

"There's no need to feel stuck with an insecure attachment style because attachment styles do change over time depending on life circumstances," she explains. "For example, if an avoidant person finds themselves in a new romantic relationship imbued with many positive experiences, they might come to feel more secure as the relationship progresses."

A full interview with Dr. Gul Gunaydin discussing her new research on attachment styles can be found here: A psychologist urges you to follow this one step if you have an avoidant romantic partner