3 Signs That A Couple Is Drifting Apart

When these three behaviors go missing in a romantic relationship, emotional closeness diminishes in turn.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | Apr 27, 2026

Marital drifts begin with small, nearly invisible shifts in daily behavior. Couples may suddenly find themselves sharing a physical space but not much else emotionally. Conversations feel thinner. Affection becomes sporadic. The sense of “us” that once felt natural starts to fade.

This kind of distance can rarely be attributed to a single betrayal or major conflict. In both clinical practice and relationship research, the more common pattern is unimagined. Couples do not necessarily begin doing harmful things. In fact, it’s usually marked by a decrease in small relational behaviors that once sustained closeness.

Everyday micro-interactions, then, become important in preventing such ruptures from taking place. These seemingly small exchanges accumulate over time to form the emotional infrastructure of a relationship. When that infrastructure begins to weaken, the entire relationship feels its impact. The change may not feel dramatic at first, but over months or years, the absence becomes palpable.

Here are three things couples often stop doing right before they begin growing apart.

1. Couples Stop Being Curious About Each Other When They Drift Apart

The “spark” in a relationship tends to be strongest during its nascent stage. Once couples start getting accustomed to each other, they assume that it has fizzled away.

Partners who used to spend a significant amount of time being curious about the silliest and most insignificant parts of the other’s life may gradually lose that curiosity due to complacency. Early romance is essentially fueled by discovery and the steady unfolding of a person’s stories, quirks and aspirations.

This is because, as psychological research suggests, curiosity plays a powerful role in fostering closeness as the relationship goes through its normal course. In a series of experimental studies published in the Journal of Personality, researchers found that people who approach conversations with greater curiosity tend to feel more connected to others, even in relatively mundane conversations.

Specifically, curious individuals reported stronger feelings of closeness with partners because they were more open to discovering something interesting or meaningful in the interaction. Less curious individuals, on the other hand, tended to experience connection only when conversations were explicitly designed to build intimacy.

But what happens when familiarity sets in, and conversations primarily start to focus on coordination or logistics? To prevent the relationship’s conversational landscape from becoming narrower, consider updating “love maps,” a strategy developed by renowned relationship researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, to help partners keep pace with each other’s evolving worlds.

To build a love map of your partner’s inner world, consider:

• Asking open-ended questions about what your partner has been thinking about lately
• Checking in on their current stresses, goals and emotional experiences
• Noticing and following up on the small details they mention in passing
• Remaining curious about how their perspectives, interests and priorities are evolving

Remember, emotional distance, in many cases, begins not with conflict, but with the quiet disappearance of curiosity.

2. Couples Stop Turning Toward Each Other When They Drift Apart

Turning towards is exercised in response to partners’ bids for connection in relationships.

These bids for connection might be obvious, like when a partner shares exciting news with the other. However, they’re often very subtle, such as a comment about a stressful meeting, a request to look at something amusing or a passing observation about the day. In these cases, responsiveness matters more than we might assume: they’re significant, albeit quiet invitations for one partner to witness and notice the other person.

Turning towards these bids is a marker of healthy relationships. This would involve asking a follow-up question, offering encouragement or simply acknowledging the moment with warmth and attention.

As 2018 research published in The Journal of Experimental Psychology suggests, when people feel attended to by their partners, they are more open, less defensive and more psychologically flexible in conversations and disagreements. In other words, being responded to goes beyond the “feel good” factor to create an emotional climate where connection can deepen.

It’s often the case that when couples begin drifting apart, these bids increasingly go unanswered. A distracted nod replaces engagement. A phone screen pulls attention away from the conversation. A comment that once would have sparked a shared laugh now receives only a vague “hmm.” Over time, this pattern reshapes how partners experience each other.

If people perceive their partner as unresponsive, they tend to become more defensive and self-protective in interactions, which further chips away at openness and connection. If attempts to connect repeatedly go unnoticed, people naturally begin to conserve emotional energy and withdraw those invitations. And once those small bids disappear, a relationship may still function on the surface, but daily signals of emotional presence that sustain intimacy begin to fade.

3. Couples Stop Repairing Small Ruptures When They Drift Apart

Misunderstandings, irritations and disagreements are not just inevitable; they’re often actually necessary for relationships to function. In this sense, what distinguishes resilient couples from struggling ones is how they handle those moments when friction unexpectedly appears. Partners’ ability to recover from conflict quickly and constructively plays a central role in long-term relationship stability.

Repair attempts are pivotal here. These may be brief and almost unremarkable gestures to de-escalate conflict. It can take the form of a quick apology, a moment of humor during an argument or a softening statement such as, “I think that came out harsher than I meant.” The actions themselves may seem minor, but they serve powerfully as emotional reset buttons.

There is research to support this point. In a 2021 study of couples participating in an online psychoeducational program, partners who learned these skills showed substantial improvements in constructive communication. In turn, patterns like demand-withdraw interactions and mutual avoidance decreased dramatically. The findings highlight how the ability to repair conflict is a skill that can meaningfully transform relationship dynamics.

Couples who are growing apart often stop making these repairs. As a result, minor frustrations linger unresolved. A sharp remark remains unaddressed. A misunderstanding simmers quietly beneath the surface. Neutral actions begin to feel irritating, and small mistakes seem disproportionately upsetting.

Without repair, the emotional climate of the relationship slowly shifts from goodwill to guardedness. As a result, everyday interactions begin to carry a quiet undertone of resentment rather than trust.

The encouraging news in all this is that the same habits that fade away can also be reintroduced. Curiosity can be rekindled with simple questions. Turning toward can begin with small acts of attention. Repair can start with a brief acknowledgment of tension and a willingness to reset.

Connection feels effortless when couples are willing to do the work necessary for it. Take this science-backed test to assess your readiness for true connection: Perceived Responsiveness Scale

About the Author

Mark Travers, Ph.D., is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, responsible for new client intake and placement. Mark received his B.A. in psychology, magna cum laude, from Cornell University and his M.A. and Ph.D. from the University of Colorado Boulder. His academic research has been published in leading psychology journals and has been featured in The New York Times and The New Yorker. He is a regular contributor for Forbes, CNBC, and Psychology Today. Click here to schedule an initial consultation with Mark or another member of the Awake Therapy team.