2 Reasons Why We Fall In Love With The Wrong People

Before you get to know someone else, you need to get to know yourself first. Here's how neglecting this can hinder your love life.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 24, 2024

If you've ever wondered why you keep attracting the wrong partners or feel like you're stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling relationships, you're not alone. A key reason people feel "unlucky in love" is their struggle to find compatible partners. A study published this month in Personal Relationships highlighted the role of "self-concept clarity" in fueling this struggle.

Self-concept clarity refers to the degree to which individuals have a clear and consistent understanding of their own beliefs, values, needs and identities, empowering them to make more self-aligned and confident decisions in their relationships. But when this clarity is lacking, they often end up dating people who aren't a good fit.

Researchers found that individuals with lower self-concept clarity have greater difficulty choosing partners and tend to date incompatible partners more often compared to those with higher self-understanding. Such individuals also experience more negative feelings when recalling their past relationship history.

Here are two reasons why individuals with lower self-concept clarity choose incompatible partners, according to the study.

1. They Struggle To Evaluate True Compatibility

Researchers suggest that one of the core challenges for individuals with lower self-concept clarity is that they struggle to accurately assess how well a potential partner aligns with their own needs, values and desires.

Their lack of self-knowledge makes it harder to rule out unsuitable partners and be selective in the dating process. Without clear criteria for what they truly want, they may feel lost when deciding whether someone is a good match.

While they seek love and want to avoid being hurt in relationships like anyone else, the absence of boundaries and internal guidelines often leads them to invest in relationships that don't serve them well in the long run.

Further, similarity is an important facet of compatibility. A study published this February in Self and Identity found that such individuals tend to evaluate potential partners who are dissimilar to them less critically than those with higher self-concept clarity, making them more likely to overlook incompatibilities.

Additionally, research shows that people tend to get attached to their romantic partners early in the dating process, which can lead to deeper emotional investment and relationship progression even when the match isn't ideal.

"Successful dating requires being able to reject, or rule out, less suitable partners. Failing to rule out an incompatible dating partner could result in closing the door to meeting a more compatible partner who may be just around the corner," the researchers write.

2. They Struggle With Dating Decisions

Another factor that creates incompatible matches is the internal conflict that individuals with low self-concept clarity face. Lacking self-knowledge creates a tension between the strong desire to find a partner and the need to avoid a bad match, making dating decisions feel overwhelming.

This often leads to indecision, as people may ignore red flags or stay in unsuitable relationships because their uncertainty clouds their judgment. Anxiety around decision-making can also delay the process of rejecting incompatible partners, increasing the likelihood of staying in mismatched relationships.

Consequently, such individuals struggle with decisions about whom to date or whether to remain in a relationship.Researchers suggest that since they also tend to cast a wider net when choosing potential partners, the abundance of options can lead to poorer decision-making.

Such individuals may also be more sensitive to rejection, leading them to accept incompatible partners to avoid this pain. Research shows that fear of being single can also lead to hasty decision-making, causing people to settle in relationships.

So, developing a deep understanding of yourself is essential for making wise decisions in love. No one deserves to settle. When you know who you are, you can better navigate the complexities of modern dating and choose partners who truly align with you.

Curious about your level of self-awareness? Take this science-backed test to find out: Self-Awareness Outcomes Questionnaire

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.