How To Draw The Line Between A Caring And A Possessive Partner
Are you scared to lose your partner? Or do you try to make them scared of losing you? Here's how to tell.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 13, 2024
"Mate value" is something that many of us intuitively understand and consider in romantic relationships even if we don't explicitly verbalize it. In simple terms, a person's mate value is a measure of how desirable they are as a partner, based on their physical traits, social attributes and what they bring to the table in a relationship.
When we find ourselves romantically drawn to someone because of their kindness, intelligence or sense of humor, we are making a subconscious evaluation of whether someone could be a good match for us in the long-term. Generally speaking, the higher we perceive our partner's mate value to be, the harder we will fight for them to stay in the relationship.
This tends to happen through two types of "mate retention" behaviors:
- Benefit-inducing behaviors. This involves doing things to make our partners not want to lose the "benefit" of being with us. These behaviors could include giving gifts, showering them with affection and so on.
- Cost-inflicting behaviors. This involves doing things to make our partners feel as though it's "costly" to leave us. For example, we may (consciously or unconsciously) mock or ridicule them in front of their potential future partners who we are threatened by.
At first glance, these two approaches seem to be drastically different. But, with possessiveness in particular, the line between being possessive and confidently "guarding" what is valuable to you seems to blur. This may have a lot to do with how we value ourselves and our partner in the dating market. So, this brings us to the question:
Is Possessiveness Ever Warranted? If So, How Should It Be Expressed?
We know being overly possessive or jealous of your partner often doesn't end well. This is a type of cost-inflicting mate retention behavior, most of which leads to poor relationship satisfaction, according to a 2022 paper published in PLOS ONE.
As research from the last decade has found, how we express our feelings of possession over a partner can vary from benefit-inducing to cost-inflicting depending on how our mate value matches with our partner's mate value. This, in turn, has a significant impact on how satisfied we are in the relationship, too.
In fact, there is a case to be made for subtle possessiveness, which is only possible when mutual mate value similarity encourages partners to work equally hard to retain each other, fostering a positive relationship climate.
According to the paper, subtle displays of possessiveness, like public signals of commitment, may contribute positively to the relationship. This could be something as simple as putting up a display picture of you and your partner sharing a "couple-y" moment together on your Instagram profile.
For example, think of a scenario where your high-value partner is upset over something at work. A desire to be the first person to comfort your partner is a subtle form of possessiveness that stems from a place of care and concern. It's about wanting to be there for your partner to provide emotional support and reassurance. If the tables were turned, and it was you who was upset over something, your partner would likely feel the same way if they perceive you to be a high-value partner.
This is different from controlling or dominating behavior, which is often associated with negative forms of possessiveness. This may be seen more in relationships where there is a value imbalance between the partners. For example, if your partner feels they are of a lower mate value compared to you, they may be inclined to use cost-inflicting possessive behavior to retain you.
Conclusion
It's important to remember that possessiveness, even subtle forms of it, should be based on mutual respect and understanding. It's crucial that both partners feel comfortable with the level of possessiveness in the relationship and that it doesn't infringe on their individual autonomy or personal space. If you and your partner have similar mate values, positive and mutual forms of possessiveness come more easily, and this can help your relationship last.
Worried if your romantic possessiveness is out of control? Take the following personality test to gauge how much control you have and might desire in a relationship: Relationship Control Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.