4 Ways To Master 'Sustained Love' In A Relationship

Everlasting love requires these four, simple ingredients. Here's how to master the recipe.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 27, 2024

Everlasting love is not something that can simply be spoken into reality; rather, it's something that builds upon itself through thoughts and actions. This is exemplified by a 2017 study from the Marriage and Family Review, which uncovered the factors that make or break how long love can survive in a relationship.

The authors, Michelle Duda and Raymond Bergner, articulate this in the following way: "To say that 'John loves Mary' in the romantic sense of that term is to say not merely that he has certain feelings for her, but that he has a certain kind of relationship to her. This relationship is one in which he has given Mary a certain kind of place, or status, in his world. This place is one of extraordinary honor, value and centrality and is perhaps the ultimate such place that one human being can bestow upon another."

The following four factors are the key to achieving a relationship like that of John and Mary's—relationships where love lasts a lifetime.

1. Attending To Your Partner's Best Interests

Duda and Bergner attribute sustained love firstly to partners' investment in one another's well-being. Notably, in long-lasting relationships, this investment should not be a means to an end; rather, it's described as taking deep interest in the "well-being of the beloved for the beloved's own sake."

"Mary is invested in the well-being of John for his own sake and not merely for how his well-being might benefit her," they explain. "He is not for Mary a mere 'commodity,' is not an entity that—like her garage mechanic or her hair dresser—has a place in her world that consists essentially of satisfying her needs and desires."

Instead, Mary views John's well-being as an extension of her own and of the relationship's. They both nurture one another's personal growth not because they'll be rewarded for it, but because it's a pleasure and privilege to do so. Both partners feel that neither one of them, nor their love, can thrive if the other doesn't thrive as an individual first. This concerted commitment to one another's happiness—free from motive—is the first cornerstone to sustained love.

2. Honoring The Exclusivity Of Your Relationship

The second greatest contributor to sustained love is indisputable exclusivity. Duda and Bergner explain, "Romantic love implies that, for John, Mary is his 'one and only.' It implies exclusiveness." They continue, "It implies that John reserves the kind of relationship that he has with Mary—one combining intimacy, sexuality, commitment, care for her well-being and more—for her and her alone."

Honoring the special place your other half holds is crucial in ensuring they understand your commitment to them. And to offer this kind of place to anyone else would be a fundamental betrayal—not just of their trust, but of the relationship you've built together.

Exclusivity isn't just about physical fidelity; it's about emotional loyalty as well. By safeguarding the intimate connection you share with your partner—either through words, actions or both—you reinforce the sanctity of your relationship. In doing so, you reaffirm the secure, cherished and irreplaceable nature of your love, which is essential for its endurance.

3. Maintaining A Sense Of Trust And Intimacy

Intimacy is regarded as the third cornerstone of everlasting love. However, it's important to discern true intimacy from the vague buzzword it has become. Intimacy is far more than just a familiarity and attachment, or a general sense of closeness. Rather, it's something that can only be achieved when we open the innermost parts of ourselves up to our partner.

The authors describe true intimacy as when "John gives Mary the central place in his intimate world." They explain, "It implies that he makes a place in his world for her as his primary confidante and 'soulmate,' confiding in her about important personal matters such as his hopes, dreams, triumphs, failures, concerns, insecurities, hurts and genuine disagreements with her—and that he desires in turn that she share such matters with him."

This is the level of trust and vulnerability that transforms a relationship from merely close to truly intimate. You allow your partner to see you fully—flaws and all—and trust that they will still, and always, choose to stand by your side. When both partners feel safe enough to share their deepest fears, desires and insecurities, they too share an unshakeable sense of unity.

4. Accepting Your Partner For Who They Are

The final cornerstone is complete and total acceptance of who your partner is and what they bring to your relationship. Duda and Bergner explain, "Love implies that Mary does not wish or require John to be other than the person he is—that she is not, as it were, evaluating him with some mental measuring stick and finding him waning as a person in significant and fundamental ways."

Notably, they explain, "Even though she might object to certain actions, habits and omissions on his part, she does not wish or require him to be a different person." This is not to turn a blind eye to flaws, or to ignore areas for growth. Instead, it's the act of embracing your partner's authentic self—with all their complexities and imperfections.

Sustained love, in this way, means loving your partner not in spite of their quirks and idiosyncrasies, but because of them. When you both feel truly accepted for who you are, without pressure to conform to an idealized version of yourself, you can relax into the relationship. At the end of each day, you can both find comfort in knowing no matter what mistakes were made, you're coming home to someone who loves you just as deeply because of it.

Is everlasting love in the cards for you and your partner? Take this test for an evidence-based answer: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.