3 Signs You're Stuck In The 'Pet Name Trap'

Nicknames aren't a substitute for emotional honesty. Here's how sweet talk can quietly replace real connection.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 16, 2025

Pet names, ranging from "baby" to "honey" to "my queen," can convey warmth, reassurance and affection. They often serve as a private language between partners, symbolizing tenderness and familiarity. In emotionally healthy relationships, they add playfulness, regulate emotions and reinforce connection in a chaotic world.

However, not all affectionate language is sincere. Sometimes, pet names function as emotional wallpaper, concealing underlying issues rather than addressing them. A pet name may evoke intimacy even when the emotional foundation is lacking, and it may sound affectionate despite underlying behaviors that are distant or dismissive. While the words suggest closeness, the experience may still feel isolating.

This is how pet names become a trap — when terms of endearment shift from genuine affection to strategic tools. Used unconsciously, they may accelerate attachment. When used deliberately, they can deflect discomfort, shut down conflict or even reinforce control, all under the guise of affection.

Here are three psychological dynamics that can manifest behind the "sweetheart" and "baby" labels, and how to recognize when affection is merely a smokescreen.

1. When Pet Names Create The Illusion Of Closeness

Being called "baby" or "babe" early on in a relationship can feel comforting, but that sense of warmth can be misleading. In emotionally ambiguous situations like situationships or fast-moving flings, pet names can simulate intimacy before it's truly earned.

Affectionate language triggers oxytocin, the brain's bonding hormone, which makes us feel emotionally close even in the absence of trust or consistency. You may start to feel attached to someone who's never actually shown you their emotional world.

Additionally, a recent study on breadcrumbing — a behavior where someone sends flirtatious but non-committal signals — found strong links to insecure attachment. The findings revealed that anxiously attached individuals used emotional language to seek closeness, whereas avoidantly attached people used similar cues to mimic connection while keeping real vulnerability at bay.

Pet names can work in the same way. For the anxious, they're a shortcut to soothe fear. For the avoidant, they're a shield to avoid depth.

While the words may sound loving, the intent behind them can vary greatly. To break this illusion, ask yourself:

• Do I feel emotionally seen beneath the pet names?
• Or, do these pet names feel like the glue holding together something that hasn't truly formed yet?

2. When Affection Becomes Infantilization

Pet names can sometimes be used to dismiss rather than forming deep connections. Instead of engaging with your concerns, a partner might respond with:

• "Aw, someone's a little cranky today."
• "You're just tired, baby. Let's not blow this out of proportion."
• "You overthink everything, sweetheart. Don't worry that pretty head of yours."

These responses may sound affectionate, but they can make you feel like you're overreacting for even bringing something up. Essentially, they minimize your emotions and shift the focus away from the issue. This is a form of emotional infantilization — treating you as if you're too irrational or fragile to be taken seriously.

A large-scale 2022 study published in Motivation and Emotion found that this kind of infantilization, especially when wrapped in affectionate language, was the strongest predictor of negative mental health outcomes, including depression, anger and loss of control.

When pet names are used to avoid emotional accountability, they don't soothe. Instead, they silence you. So, before giving in to a seemingly affectionate moment, ask yourself:

• Do pet names show up most when I express discomfort or my needs?
• Is affection being used to avoid real emotional labor?

Real intimacy allows room for truth, even when it's uncomfortable. It doesn't gently erase it.

3. When Affection Becomes Emotional Distraction Or Manipulation

Pet names can sometimes be used to deflect the real issue rather than resolve it. After a conflict, instead of addressing the issue, there might be a flood of endearments:

• "Angel, don't be mad."
• "You know I adore you, baby."
• "You're everything to me, love."

These words may sound sweet, but they often act as emotional distractions, soothing the partner's discomfort rather than engaging with the issue at hand. This is also called emotional appeasement — using affection to avoid emotional responsibility.

A 2024 study published in Affective Science on emotion regulation reveals that when people experience discomfort, they often rely on linguistic strategies to psychologically distance themselves from the issue, such as avoiding the use of "I" and present-tense verbs, or adopting more abstract language. This shift towards psychological distancing can help regulate emotions but also prevents deeper engagement with the problem.

Similarly, opting for pet names after conflict can mask discomfort without actually resolving the tension, keeping relationship challenges unaddressed. So, while pet names may provide temporary emotional relief, they can sidestep the deeper work required to build genuine intimacy.

Here's a check-in you need to do for yourself in such a scenario:

• Do pet names surface more after tension or disagreement?
• Is affection being used to avoid conflict or deeper emotional work?

True intimacy isn't about using affection to buy peace, but about doing the hard work of addressing and understanding your issues as partners.

What Healthy Pet Names Sound Like

Not all pet names are manipulative. In fact, in emotionally healthy relationships, they often reflect genuine affection and tenderness and can even help de-escalate tension. The key difference lies in intention and timing.

In safe partnerships:

• Pet names are mutually enjoyed and feel "organic," not performative.
• They're used in addition to real communication, not as replacements.
• They show up during connection, not just after conflict.
• They reflect emotional safety, not emotional avoidance.

Remember, healthy pet names amplify intimacy. Unhealthy ones artificially simulate it.

If you find yourself constantly soothed, but rarely understood — pause. Next time when you hear "baby" or "my love," ask yourself: Is this name being used to draw me closer or to steer me away from something uncomfortable?

Pet names can be love, but love without honesty is just sugar without substance.

Do you and your partner really tune in to each other's emotions? Take the Active-Empathic Listening Scale to find out if your conversations are as connected as they should be.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.