3 Signs Your Partner's Humor Might Be Hostile

Not all jokes are harmless. Here's how to tell the difference.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 20, 2025

Laughter is often seen as a sign of intimacy in relationships. It lightens conflict, deepens connection and helps partners weather hard times together. But not all humor is created equal. Sometimes, it's not about playfulness at all, but more about power.

Research shows that the style of humor someone uses can serve as a subtle yet powerful interpersonal signal. In a two-part study, individuals who used benign humor styles— like light teasing, warmth or self-enhancement — were consistently rated more positively by friends, family and even potential romantic partners.

In contrast, those who leaned on injurious humor styles, such as sarcasm, ridicule or self-deprecating jokes, were perceived less favorably. In other words, the way someone jokes can shape how trustworthy, likable or emotionally safe they appear to others.

Similarly, using passive contempt in one's humor is a form of hidden hostility. Unlike overt criticism, it slips in sideways through sarcasm, mockery or jokes that hit a little too close to home. These remarks are often dismissed as harmless, especially when followed by "Can't you take a joke?" But over time, they can chip away at your relationship's safety.

Here are three ways to spot passive contempt in the way someone jokes, and why it matters more than you think.

1. They Joke About Things You've Asked Them To Stop Saying

If you've already communicated that a certain topic — say, your body, your job, your family — is sensitive to you, and your partner keeps joking about it and following up with, "Come on, you're too sensitive," know that this isn't innocent teasing.

A 2010 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that some people use humor as a tool for subtly establishing dominance. Those who hold "cavalier humor beliefs"— the idea that jokes should never be taken seriously — are more likely to use humor to mask disrespect or prejudice. These beliefs allow them to sidestep accountability and frame your hurt as an overreaction.

This turns "just a joke" into a mechanism for maintaining control, testing relational limits and minimizing the legitimacy of your discomfort. In relationships, this creates a dynamic where one partner constantly tests limits under the cover of comedy. It's a way of saying: "Your discomfort doesn't matter as much as my amusement."

So, when someone repeatedly jokes about something you've clearly marked as off-limits and brushes off your feelings, they're not just ignoring your boundaries, they may be using humor to reinforce them as irrelevant. And that's not playfulness. That's control.

A helpful question to ask yourself in these moments is: "Do I feel small, embarrassed or defensive after they joke?" If the answer is yes, it's likely not light-hearted fun, but a warning sign that deserves your attention.

2. They Use Sarcasm As A Default Mode Of Communication

Sarcasm can be playful in small doses. But when it becomes the primary language between you, especially if it's directed at you more than shared with you, it often signals deeper resentment or frustration.

Comments like: "Of course you forgot — classic you," or "Wow, look who finally made it on time," might get a few laughs, but they often leave a sting. Beneath the surface, this kind of humor is a form of indirect aggression or a way to criticize while dodging responsibility for the emotional impact.

And this isn't just theory. A 2022 study published in Personality and Individual Differences found that people who habitually relied on sarcasm, irony or cynicism were more likely to score high on traits like Machiavellianism and psychopathy. These are personality traits associated with manipulation, emotional detachment and a tendency to use others for control rather than connection. In contrast, those who favored lighthearted or witty humor were more likely to use it for connection or entertainment, not harm.

These findings highlight how humor isn't always benign. The way someone jokes can reflect how they relate to others emotionally. If your partner's go-to humor makes you feel belittled or anxious, even if they claim they're "just joking," it might not be about being funny at all. It might be about asserting control or dodging vulnerability to keep emotional intimacy at arm's length.

So, if sarcasm has become the air you breathe in your relationship, it's worth asking: "Is it building closeness or slowly wearing it down?"

3. They Perform For Others At Your Expense

Watch out for how your partner uses humor when there's an audience. Do their jokes about you suddenly become more exaggerated or uncomfortably personal?

Research on humor and social dynamics shows that humor isn't always about bonding — it can be used to assert dominance and compete for status. A 2010 study on teasing among friends found that people who imagined themselves as the butt of a joke, even from someone close, reported more negative emotions and viewed the teaser as competitive rather than warm. These findings align with the "superiority theory of humor," which suggests that humor can be a way to elevate oneself at another person's expense.

Ethnographic research into real-life banter among male peer groups adds another layer: in certain settings, playful teasing can actually strengthen group bonds. But the difference lies in mutuality. In those groups, everyone gives and takes equally — the teasing is part of a shared, accepted script.

In romantic relationships, that balance matters. If your partner is always the one delivering the punchlines and you're always the punchline, it's no longer mutual. It may get laughs from others, but it often leaves you feeling exposed, small and unsure if you're even allowed to feel hurt. And because the room is laughing, calling it out risks being dismissed as "too sensitive."

This kind of humor, then, isn't harmless; it's strategic. It subtly enforces a hierarchy, placing your partner in control while positioning you as the one who has to take it. Over time, these moments chip away at emotional safety, replacing intimacy with resentment.

So, What Can You Do When You Spot Contempt?

If some of these patterns feel uncomfortably familiar, you're not overreacting. Humor is powerful. It can heal or harm. The key is not just noticing the jokes, but understanding the dynamic underneath. Here's how you can begin shifting it:

• Name it gently. Use "I" statements like, "I feel uncomfortable when you joke about that, especially around others." Speaking up with kindness makes it harder for the other person to dismiss your concern — and gives them a chance to respond with care rather than defensiveness. Naming your discomfort is the first step in reclaiming emotional safety.
• Notice their response. Do they pause, listen and take you seriously? Or do they mock, deflect with "you're being too sensitive?" Their response tells you whether they value your feelings or just their own sense of superiority. Paying attention here protects you from continuing a one-sided emotional investment.
• Set firm boundaries. It's okay to say, "That's not funny to me. Please don't joke about that anymore." Clear boundaries don't need to be confrontational, but they do tell your partner what you need in order to feel respected and connected.
• Reflect on the pattern. Is this a one-off moment of poor judgment? Or is it part of a larger pattern where humor is consistently used to undermine, belittle or silence you? Recognizing patterns helps you make informed decisions about whether this relationship is headed towards real intimacy or erosion under the guise of playfulness.

Remember, in healthy relationships, humor should function as a bridge, not a weapon. Recognizing when jokes mask disrespect is not about becoming overly cautious or humorless, but about ensuring that laughter contributes to connection, rather than corrosion.

Curious how your own humor shows up in relationships, or how your partner's might be affecting your dynamic? Take this research-backed test to learn more: Aggressive Humor Style Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.