3 Signs That You're Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship
Are your insecurities threatening your relationship? Here's how to tell.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 27, 2024
Relationship sabotage occurs when individuals, often unknowingly, engage in behaviors that harm or destroy their relationship due to fears of getting hurt or beliefs that it won't succeed.
A 2021 study published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy found that self-sabotage in romantic relationships is a common issue, with many people engaging in behaviors that undermine their chances of finding love.
Through interviews with 696 individuals, the researchers identified various motivations and strategies people use to sabotage their relationships, often driven by fears and insecurities.
Many participants were afraid of getting hurt, so they would distance themselves or even end relationships before they had a chance to develop. "I have a fear of having my heart broken again," said one participant. "I screw it up, usually on purpose—I break up with them before I can get too attached," another participant added.
Relationship sabotage is a way for individuals to protect themselves from perceived future pain or failure in relationships, often leading to the very outcome they fear— the relationship's breakdown.
Here are three signs that your fear and insecurity might be pushing your partner away:
1. Seeking Constant Reassurance
One of the most common signs that insecurities are damaging your relationship is the constant need for reassurance. You might find yourself frequently asking your partner questions like, "Do you still love me?" or "Are you attracted to me?"
This behavior can put unnecessary strain on your relationship, making your partner feel like they have to constantly prove their love and commitment, which can eventually lead to frustration and distance.
While it's normal to seek validation from your partner occasionally, needing constant reassurance can stem from a more profound sense of self-doubt.
"I am not good enough for my partner and one day he will realize that and leave. I tend to think I am lesser than my partner and do not deserve him," adds a participant.
A 2015 study explains that those with negative self-views, who often seek reassurance due to fears of rejection and low self-esteem, tend to internalize relationship threats. This reaction can cause anxiety, push others away and harm the relationship's stability.
2. Overanalyzing Little Things
Another sign that insecurities are at play is when you over analyze every little thing your partner says or does. You may question the motives behind simple actions, like a delayed text reply or a change in tone during a conversation.
One Reddit user stated, "I tend to overanalyze and spend more time thinking about the relationship than actually living it, which leads to sabotaging it because I try to control everything."
Another Reddit user added, "I'm so afraid of losing people, but because I overthink, I end up sending the wrong signals and ultimately self-sabotage my relationships with almost everyone."
Small, insignificant moments can often become blown out of proportion as you interpret them through the lens of your insecurities. This overthinking can create unnecessary tension and lead to misunderstandings, driving a wedge between you and your partner.
It can be particularly harmful when you keep these thoughts to yourself, letting them fester in your mind. As you ruminate, you may start creating stories and justifying why your partner acted the way they did, which only serves to push them further away.
A 2014 study suggests that when individuals with attachment insecurity—those who feel anxious or avoid closeness in relationships—keep their thoughts to themselves and ruminate, it can lead to negative behaviors during conflicts.
This rumination, or constant overthinking, can make them create and dwell on negative interpretations of their partner's actions. Instead of addressing issues directly, they get caught up in their own negative thoughts, which can push their partner away and worsen the conflict.
3. You Struggle To Trust Your Partner
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when insecurities take hold, trusting your partner can become a challenge. You might find yourself doubting their loyalty, questioning their interactions with others, or feeling suspicious without any objective evidence.
Trust issues often arise from past traumatic relationships, creating a fear of being hurt or abandoned.
"I no longer trust my romantic partners 100%. I will always be thinking about what I would do if they left or cheated, so I never get fully invested," said a participant from the 2021 study.
This fear can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the very behaviors meant to protect oneself end up pushing the partner away.
Overcoming Insecurities And Relationship Sabotage
Attachment styles play a significant role in relationship insecurities. Anxious individuals seek constant reassurance, fearing abandonment, while avoidant individuals distance themselves emotionally.
Partners can help address these insecurities through specific strategies:
- Communicate openly. Share your insecurities with your partner. Transparency fosters trust and allows your partner to understand and reassure you, strengthening the bond. Focus on consistent and positive interactions. Be reliable, open and patient, allowing trust to grow naturally over time.
- Self-validation through mindfulness. Work on building your self-esteem through self-validation and mindfulness. This helps reduce the need for constant reassurance from your partner.
- Address immediate insecurities. For anxious attachment, seek and offer reassurance in the moment. For avoidant attachment, partners can "soften" interactions, making the relationship more comfortable and less threatening. For long-term relationship security, it's important to cultivate positive views of others.
- Long-term growth. Work together to reshape deep-seated beliefs and negative self-views, fostering secure attachment, confidence and a healthier, more trusting relationship.
Ultimately, overcoming relationship sabotage begins with confronting and healing the insecurities that silently undermine the trust and connection you seek to build.
Do you think you are secretly sabotaging your relationship? Take this test to receive a science-backed answer:Relationship Sabotage Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.