2 Reasons Why We Need 'Third Spaces' To Find Love

The steady reduction in 'third spaces' is slowly but surely wreaking havoc on the dating scene. Here's why.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 03, 2024

The "third space" refers to social environments outside of home (the first space) and work (the second space) where people gather, interact and build community connections.

In his 1989 book The Great Good Place, Ray Oldenburg emphasizes the importance of third spaces, such as cafés, parks, bars or bookstores, in offering neutral, informal settings for socializing and experiencing a sense of belonging.

Third spaces were once the heartbeat of social connection, but as the world increasingly functions online, such physical spaces are slowly disappearing, taking with them the rich, spontaneous connections they helped foster.

Here are two reasons why the vanishing third space affects our ability to form meaningful romantic relationships.

1. Online Dating Can Get Lonely

At first glance, dating apps provide a modern solution to losing third spaces, offering an endless stream of potential partners at the swipe of a finger, even in the absence of physical proximity. However, these platforms can paradoxically contribute to an even deeper sense of disconnection and loneliness.

For instance, with online anonymity, people on dating apps can disappear from a conversation or "ghost" without much consequence, which can lead to feelings of rejection, mistrust and emotional exhaustion while dating.

A study published in Discover Data this May also examined why many people are catfishing or kittenfishing on social media sites. Catfishing is a form of online deception where someone pretends to be someone they're not, and kittenfishing involves presenting an exaggerated version of oneself. Researchers found that wanting to present an ideal version of oneself often motivated this behavior.

As fans of the popular MTV show Catfish can attest, maintaining a connection with someone who is lying about who they are is highly unlikely. Over time, experiencing such deception can erode your optimism about finding a meaningful connection, making the online dating experience more disheartening than fulfilling.

Constant exposure to others' curated profiles can also lead to feelings of inadequacy, as it becomes difficult not to compare yourself to the seemingly perfect images you see. In contrast, third spaces offer the opportunity to interact with others in a more authentic, unfiltered way.

Deviating from the fast-paced, often superficial nature of online dating, these spaces can foster more organic, low-pressure interactions. For instance, you may strike up a conversation with someone at a bookstore about a book you both love, or run into the same person during your morning coffee run and decide to get to know them better.

When you're swiping through profiles or sending a quick message online, it's easy to overlook the nuances of in-person chemistry—how someone smiles, their sense of humor or the effortless flow of a conversation.

In a world where third spaces are disappearing, the chances of these kinds of serendipitous encounters shrink, and relationships risk becoming transactional or overly curated, missing the deeper, spontaneous spark that often leads to lasting love.

Additionally, with the sheer abundance of choices on dating apps, it's easy to fall into a mindset of "the next best thing," constantly swiping in search of someone even better. This paradox of choice can prevent you from investing in a relationship long enough for it to grow, leaving you in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction.

2. You May Place Undue Emphasis On Finding Love

The decline of third spaces can also deeply affect your well-being and your approach to love and relationships. While such spaces offer opportunities to meet potential romantic partners organically, they're also about community and support.

Regular visits to your favorite café or park help build a sense of belonging and a shared identity that connects you to others. When these spaces are less accessible, many people experience a lack of meaningful social connections, leading to isolation.

Without the buffer of community and casual social interactions provided by third spaces, you may place undue pressure on potential romantic connections, viewing them as the primary—or only—source of emotional support and fulfillment in your life.

This dynamic can lead to unhealthy attachments, burnout or frustration when dating doesn't immediately result in a successful match. By removing a vital avenue for social interaction, the loss of third spaces leaves many of us feeling more disconnected from both ourselves and others.

To counter this, it's crucial to find new ways to cultivate third spaces in your life. Whether it's joining local interest groups, visiting community hubs or even creating your own informal gathering spots, reviving such spaces may be the key to rediscovering the connection we all crave.

Curious whether using dating apps is negatively impacting your mental health? Take this science-backed test tolearn more: Problematic Tinder Use Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.