2 Ways That 'Kittenfishing' Is Ruining Online Dating

Presenting an unrealistic version of yourself on dating apps can have some nasty consequences. Here's why it's becoming such a popular tactic.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 29, 2024

"Kittenfishing," coined after the popular dating trend "catfishing," refers to a milder form of online deception where individuals present a somewhat exaggerated or idealized version of themselves on dating apps or social media.

Unlike catfishing, which involves creating entirely false identities, kittenfishing encompasses the minor deceptions geared toward making a person appear more attractive or interesting than they are in reality. This can include lying about age, height, profession or other personal details, as well as using photos taken from flattering angles, sharing old pictures and tactfully hiding your "imperfections, "such as not showing one's teeth if they are crooked or wearing hats to hide baldness.

While sometimes unintentional, most often, these tactics are used to attract more matches. In the long run, this can leave one's date feeling awkward, deceived and disappointed.

Here are two reasons why people might engage in kittenfishing.

1. Kittenfishing To Get Your "Foot In The Door"

Both men and women use strategic misrepresentation—minor deceptions or exaggerations—to appear "more desirable" when dating online. Even though small fabrications may seem harmless, they can result in serious relationship repercussions when found out.

A 2018 study discovered that dishonesty in online dating, often used to present oneself as more appealing (like lying about having a reading habit or fabricating similar interests), can significantly affect trust and the outcome of first in-person dates. A reddit user illustrates this exact sentiment through the following example:

"I definitely just recently went on a date with a dude who was using pictures from like ~10 years ago when he was super in shape. Now he's got a total dad bod, which isn't a deal breaker, I guess, but I do feel a bit misled."

When someone misrepresents their true nature or appearance on a dating app, the other person has no option but to trust their honesty, as they have no way to verify the truth. Meeting in person can then feel like a significant breach of trust, which many people find discouraging. "I've been kittenfished several times, and it's always disappointing. It's hard to build trust when someone isn't upfront," says another Reddit user.

For instance, someone might claim to be 5'8" on their profile but is actually 5'5" in person. While the height difference might not be an issue, slight dishonesty about one's appearance can often signal deeper potential dishonesty about other, more important aspects of one's being such as their values.

2. Kittenfishing To Appear More Attractive

Kittenfishing often involves "white lies" or minor embellishments, such as using outdated photos or altering details about oneself. These minor adjustments may seem harmless to users, who rationalize that they are not completely lying but simply enhancing their appeal to attract more matches. They believe their charm and wit will "compensate for the lie" once they meet in person.

This behavior stems from a lack of confidence and the fear that being their true selves will result will attract fewer matches. Consequently, this creates a vicious cycle where low self-esteem and the competitive dating environment reinforce the tendency to misrepresent oneself.

Online dating platforms can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy through constant social comparison. For instance, men often exaggerate their height, while women are more likely to underreport their weight.

"Honestly, sometimes it's just flat-out denial. Swear to god. I gained 30 pounds last year and used pictures from years before that because, in my mind, I kind of looked the same and could hide it with certain clothing, etc. Some guys didn't care or notice, others ended the date after 15 minutes," shares a Reddit user. "I think it's similar to men lying about their height. They think, 'AH, it's just 2 or 3 inches. No one will notice!' (We notice)."

Insecurities about their true selves lead people to embellish their profiles to appear more attractive or exciting. Although this tactic may initially attract desired matches, it can ultimately result in disappointment.

A 2013 study revealed that participants were more likely to misrepresent themselves when attempting to secure dates with physically attractive online dating partners compared to less attractive ones. However, once they met in person, this strategy often resulted in unmet expectations, hindering the development of the relationship. Women, in particular, tend to exaggerate more in their self-presentations compared to men.

Authenticity Check Before Actively Dating

Promoting authenticity in online dating profiles is essential for creating real connections. This involves using recent photos, being honest about personal details and avoiding the temptation to exaggerate.

Here are three questions to ask yourself for an authenticity check of your dating profile:

• Would a person recognize me from my photos? Am I hiding aspects of my appearance or personality?
• How many white lies have I told? Are these creating unrealistic expectations?
• Would a close friend recognize me from my profile? Seek feedback to ensure accurate representation

Individuals who value authenticity in dating are more likely to establish meaningful and long-lasting relationships.

Is kittenfishing slowly seeping into your relationships? Take the Authenticity In Relationships Scale to know if you need professional support.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.