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1 Subtle Error Couples Make On Their Honeymoons
Your honeymoon should build closeness, not pressure. Avoid this common pitfall to start married life on a healthier note.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | Last Updated:
It’s your honeymoon. You’re on the beach, soaking in salty air and watching picturesque sunsets, holding your partner’s hand. Everything’s going according to plan, until they ask you if you want to go to dinner somewhere far from your hotel. You’re just not in the mood. All you want is to spend time with them where you are. Yet, you agree and go out.
Later, you discover that your partner only suggested the dinner because they thought you might be bored staying in. They assumed you wanted a candlelit dinner, when in reality, neither of you actually wanted to leave.
You might have noticed this pattern elsewhere too. Two or more people agree to an activity neither wants to do only to keep the peace. There’s a name for this phenomenon: the Abilene paradox.
This happens when you do something contrary to what you really want, because you think others in a group want to do it. While it primarily pertains to a group dynamic, it can also occur in relationships. If you’re not careful, falling prey to this phenomenon can turn your romantic getaway into a string of half-hearted experiences neither of you truly enjoy.
On honeymoons, the Abilene paradox may manifest itself in situations like packing the itinerary with activities neither of you look forward to just to avoid seeming “difficult.” For example, you might say yes to an early morning hike because you think your partner wants it, even though they’d actually rather sleep in too.
While this stems from your intention to please each other, over time, it can lead to a buildup of resentment and leave you both feeling disconnected from what was supposed to be a joyful, romantic experience.
Here are two ways to avoid falling into the Abilene paradox.
1. Talk About Your Travel Expectations Early On
The Abilene paradox doesn’t stem from genuine disagreement. In fact, it’s the result of not being able to manage agreement, causing everyone involved frustration and resentment.
This is why you need to discuss expectations from your trip early on: Do you prefer a packed schedule or lazy mornings? Do you want more outdoor-based activities or would you rather spend most of your time lounging at your resort and keeping it low-key?
By communicating what you truly want and planning prior, you ensure that you don’t simply assume what your partner might enjoy and make room for a balanced itinerary instead.
2. Allow Room For Change
In any trip, you need to account for plan changes. Every once in a while, pause and ask each other how you’re feeling. A simple, “Do you really want to do this, or are we just going along with it?” can save your energy, time and money for things you both enjoy.
You don’t have to say “yes” to everything; all that matters is that you’re both having fun. The Abilene paradox often stems from the pressure to conform, even though the pressure might not even exist.
For instance, couples might assume that they have to do everything together on a vacation, but that might not be what every partner prefers. If one of you wants to try scuba diving while the other indulges in a spa treatment, it’s okay to split up for a few hours. Spending time apart can actually increase your longing for your partner and make your shared moments extra special.
Your honeymoon is the time to unwind after months of wedding planning. Remember to communicate openly and listen to each other’s needs, but most importantly, plan the honeymoon you both want, instead of doing what other people typically do, or what you think you should do.
How happy are you with your partner? Take the science-backed Relationship Satisfaction Scale to find out.
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.