3 Ways 'People Pleasing' Can Ruin Your Relationship

Being a 'people pleaser' can affect more people than just yourself. Here's how it might be impacting your relationship.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 03, 2025

People-pleasers often put others' needs ahead of their own, believing they're keeping the peace. But in truth, this habit can backfire and create emotional disconnection and resentment in relationships.

By suppressing their true feelings and masking their needs, they unintentionally build a wall of dishonesty that strains relationships. Over time, this dynamic can lead to distrust, frustration and a sense of defeat in their partners, especially when the people-pleaser remains unwilling to open up about their emotions or dislikes.

If you're a people-pleaser in a relationship, it's essential to understand the impact of your behavior and take steps to set healthy boundaries. Here are three key things you need to understand from your partner's perspective to nurture authenticity, balance and deeper intimacy in your relationships.

1. Your Partner May Feel Burdened To Take Charge Every Time

One helpful way to understand people-pleasing behavior is with the help of Self-Determination Theory (SDT). The theory says that motivation falls on a spectrum—from doing things because you truly want to (self-driven) to doing things because you feel pressured to (externally driven.)

People-pleasers often lean toward the second type, making choices based on what others expect or to avoid conflict, rather than what they really feel or want. Take this example: if one partner suggests going on a hike over the weekend, a people-pleaser might say yes—not because they're excited about it, but because they're worried about upsetting their partner. Over time, constantly putting aside their own feelings can lead to burnout and resentment.

At the same time, when one partner always goes along with everything without stating their own needs, it can leave the other partner feeling overwhelmed. They might feel like they're stuck making all the decisions, which can get tiring and frustrating.

Additionally, your partner might be disappointed if they thought everything was fine and that their choices aligned with your preferences. They may have assumed they were doing the right thing, only to find out they were unintentionally steering the relationship, rather than moving forward with mutual understanding and willingness.

Remember, it's okay to say why you do or don't want to do something with your partner. Assuming they'll misunderstand or that it will cause a fight shows a lack of trust in their ability to handle your feelings, and it's important to reflect on why that is.

In any healthy relationship, both voices are heard and equally valued. By stepping up, you also shift the burden from your partner to always take charge and create a more honest and balanced relationship.

2. Bottling Up Feelings May Lead To A Trust Breakdown

People-pleasers often prioritize others' needs or desires over their own, which can frustrate their need for autonomy. According to "Basic Psychological Need Theory," autonomy involves making choices that feel voluntary and authentic to oneself, and is crucial to our welfare.

When people-pleasers suppress their own desires to please others, they may experience a sense of pressure or internal conflict, leading to feelings of being pushed in an unwanted direction. They may hold back their frustrations until they eventually explode, after tolerating behavior they dislike for an extended period of time.

This delayed reaction can lead to a loss of trust, as it becomes difficult for the other partner to understand why certain feelings weren't communicated earlier. Honesty and openness are crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.

To address this, people-pleasers can start by asserting themselves in low-stakes situations. For example, if your partner regularly makes plans for you both, speak up and let them know when you're not on board. In reality, your partner may not realize that you don't enjoy certain things as much as they assume, because you've never said anything.

3. Your Partner May Dislike The Existing Power Imbalance

A partner who consistently puts the other first might believe they are being considerate, but this dynamic can feel off. The partner on the receiving end may never have wanted that power imbalance in the relationship. They may crave a partnership of equals, where both individuals' needs and desires are respected and balanced.

In fact, a 2021 study shows that shared decision-making in couples is associated with higher feelings of power and relationship satisfaction. When both partners are involved in decisions, they feel more influential, which creates a more balanced and harmonious dynamic. This collaborative approach fosters equality and cooperation, rather than one person dominating the decision-making process.

There's no need to "submit" to your partner. You shouldn't give someone the power to control the relationship, especially if they haven't asked for it. Both partners should feel empowered to contribute equally.

By valuing each other's input and making decisions together, couples can build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship where both people feel heard, respected and equally invested.

A relationship thrives when both partners share their needs. If one person is constantly suppressing their desires and not communicating them, it can create an unbalanced dynamic that threatens the relationship's success.

Open communication prevents the relationship from becoming unbalanced and ultimately failing. A loving partner wants to understand and meet your needs—but the relationship only works if you give them the chance to do so.

How open and honest are you about your feelings in relationships? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.