A Therapist Offers Advice On Trying To Be Friends With An Ex

Staying friends with an ex can be an emotional rollercoaster. How do you know if it’s the right thing to do?

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | October 15, 2022

Many people come to therapy pondering their friendship with a former lover. They may ask questions like:

"Our friendship is perfect and they seem to have grown so much since we broke up. Should we give this another chance?"
"Should I tell my current partner that I used to date one of my closest friends?"
"Does my ex-turned-friend have ulterior motives?"
"My friends think I shouldn't be talking to my ex, but we're just friends now. What could go wrong?"
"I'm starting to spend a lot of time texting my ex. The messages do get flirty. What is happening?"

Although your relationship with your ex has ended, the comfort is likely still there. You have spent so much time together, learned each other's likes and dislikes, and developed a chemistry with each other. How could you cut someone like that out of your life?

Many people rely on being friends with their ex to ease the pain of a breakup. While a platonic relationship sounds like a great way to keep an ex in your life without being intimate, it can lead to several challenging situations.

Here are three things to ask yourself before deciding to remain friends with an old lover.

#1. What do you value about your friendship with your ex?

A study published in Personal Relationships showed that people choose to remain friends with their exes for four reasons:

Security
Practicality
Civility
Unresolved romantic desires

According to the research, staying friends with an ex for security and practicality is likely to have more positive outcomes.

When you've known someone intimately, you trust them and rely on them for emotional support and help. Friendships that are born out of the willingness to be there for each other through difficult times are sincere. If this is the situation between you and your ex, it is unlikely that the friendship is going to spell trouble for you.

Similarly, if you have a child together or share the same workplace, the friendship is based on a practical need – to get along. Such friendships may also be rewarding and could make life easier.

On the other hand, if you are friends with your ex just because it maintains civility between you or because one of you harbors unresolved romantic desires toward the other, the friendship can get murky.

Friendships based on civility are not likely to last as long, and those stemming from unresolved romantic desires can lead to heartbreak and jealousy.

So, be honest with yourself: Why do you want to have your ex in your life?

#2. How long has it been since the breakup?

After a breakup, it is important that you take some time away from an ex to gain closure. This is when you ask yourself questions like:

What really went wrong?
What can I learn from this relationship so that I may improve as a person?
Is my ex responsible for how I am feeling right now?
Are there any red flags I need to watch out for in the future?

If you and your ex remain close friends from the moment you split up, you are going to hinder the process of gaining closure and healing from the breakup.

While it may be comforting to feel you have not lost them completely, it is a dangerously easy way to fall into a pattern of an on-again-off-again relationship with your ex, who may also be seeking comfort and validation from you. The line between romantic and platonic becomes very hard to see when the breakup is fresh in your mind.

According to a study published in Family Relations, on-again-off-again relationships are highly stressful and can lead to serious issues like depression and anxiety.

There's also the possibility that one (or both) of you engages in rebound relationships. Being friends with an ex who is rebounding is akin to rubbing salt into your wounds and does not help anyone involved.

Give yourself time to heal before considering the possibility of being friends with an ex. There is nothing selfish about wanting to be kind to yourself after a breakup.

#3. What will this friendship mean for your future romantic relationships?

Let's put it out there: They are your ex for a reason.

A breakup is a clear sign that your relationship did not work out in the way you hoped. You gave it your all but then walked back on your decision to be a couple.

This doesn't mean that you are now destined to be single forever. You are still going to meet new people and form new relationships.

The last thing you want to do is start dating someone new and find that your ex keeps calling or texting you when you are out with your date.

Regularly meeting or talking to an ex may signal to a new partner that you are not over them or are carrying baggage from an old relationship they may not want to deal with.

Even if the new person is not put off by the friendship, you owe it to them to be sincere and present in the new relationship. Ask yourself how you see these scenarios playing out:

How is your ex likely to react to your new partner?
How will you respond to questions from your new partner about your ex?
How comfortable will you be in introducing your ex to your new partner?
How will you feel about telling your ex about your new partner?

If these questions don't make you uncomfortable, you may be able to maintain a friendship with an ex without it affecting your future relationships.

Conclusion

You are not alone in wanting to be friends with your ex, and there is nothing inherently wrong with it. Exes can make for good friends who know how to support, motivate, and care for you. However, each situation is unique. Don't rush into it, ask yourself what you want from the friendship, and make sure your ex stays in the past when it comes to your romantic future.