Why Holidays Can Tempt You Into 'Marleying' With An Ex-Love

The nostalgia of holidays can bring back more than just memories. Here's how to move on.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | November 27, 2023

The holiday season can unexpectedly bring forth ghosts from the past in the form of an ex-lover reaching out—a phenomenon now known as "Marleying." This term, inspired by Jacob Marley from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol describes the reappearance of ex-partners during the festive period after a prolonged period of silence. While this may initially seem like a nostalgic gesture, it often leaves individuals grappling with the ghosts of relationships' past.

People find themselves "Marleyed" for various reasons. Returning to hometowns during the holidays, loneliness and a desire for connection can prompt individuals to reach out to former partners. The consequences of such encounters can be emotionally challenging, leading to confusion, stress or even a hindrance in the process of moving on.

Here are three strategies to help you tackle this situation with resilience and emotional intelligence.

1. Draw A Line In The Sand

Establishing clear boundaries is paramount when dealing with unexpected contact from an ex. As you grapple with resurfacing emotions from the past, it's vital to pause and reflect on your current emotional state and intentions. Assess whether reopening communication with your ex would prove beneficial or detrimental to your well-being.

If you anticipate that it might reopen old wounds or impede your progress in moving on, openly and honestly communicate this realization. Honest communication serves not only as a means of emotional self-protection but also as a way of asserting control over the situation.

If at any point you find yourself grappling with guilt over prioritizing your well-being, remind yourself that placing emphasis on your emotional health is not a sign of weakness. Setting boundaries is an empowering measure that allows you to dictate the terms of your interactions. Importantly, this doesn't diminish your relationships but rather contributes to fostering an environment conducive to your overall well-being.

2. Look Inwards And Spread Your Wings

According to a study published in PLOS ONE, breakup distress can significantly enhance personal growth in some individuals through self-reflection, providing a pathway for constructive brooding.

To turn this unexpected encounter to your advantage, start by reflecting on the lessons learned from the past relationship, acknowledging both the positive and challenging aspects. Reflect on the personal growth you've undergone since the relationship ended, recognizing the strengths and resilience that have emerged.

Research underscores the importance of addressing lingering feelings for one's most recent ex-partner, emphasizing its pivotal role in maximizing the potential of a new relationship. Take this moment to explore the reasons behind the relationship's conclusion, gaining a deeper understanding of your own needs and desires and what did not work out.

Channel your energy into purposeful personal development. Pursue hobbies that ignite your passion, set new goals that align with your evolving aspirations and engage in activities that genuinely bring you fulfillment. This deliberate investment in self-improvement not only fosters a positive mindset but also reinforces a sense of identity independent of past relationships.

3. Turn The Page And Seize The Day

Instead of dwelling in the past, which research suggests can have detrimental effects on the dynamics of one's current relationship, redirect your energy towards the myriad possibilities of the present and future.

Whether it involves refining existing talents, embarking on new adventures or investing time in personal and professional growth, actively engaging in activities that resonate with your authentic self is key.

Consider fortifying existing relationships with friends and family, cherishing the support systems that contribute to your well-being. Furthermore, open yourself to the prospect of building new connections, fostering relationships that align with your evolving goals and values. By immersing yourself in positive and forward-looking endeavors, you empower yourself to create a fulfilling life beyond the ghosts of past relationships. This intentional redirection of energy serves as a powerful catalyst for personal fulfillment and the cultivation of a meaningful and joyous existence.

Conclusion

In the spirit of growth and self-empowerment, facing the ghosts of relationships' past during the holiday season can be an opportunity for personal development. To navigate being "Marleyed" with resilience and grace, embrace the lessons of the past while confidently stepping into a future that holds promise and personal fulfillment.