How To Heal Your Relationship With The Golden '5:1 Ratio'

The '5:1 ratio' is non-negotiable if you want to keep your relationship thriving. Here's how to employ it.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 16, 2024

No relationship is free from conflict, but a successful marriage hinges on balancing positive and negative interactions. Dr. John Gottman, a bestselling author and renowned psychologist, has extensively studied what makes relationships thrive and discovered a principle known as the 5:1 ratio, or the magic ratio. This ratio suggests that for every negative interaction, such as criticism, defensiveness, dismissiveness, or even passive-aggressive body language like eye-rolling, there should be five or more positive interactions to keep the relationship healthy and resilient.

The 5:1 ratio works "magically" because it creates a buffer of positivity that helps couples navigate conflicts more effectively. Positive interactions—such as showing appreciation, expressing love, sharing laughter, and offering support—act as deposits in the emotional bank account of the relationship. These deposits build up over time and help cushion the impact of negative interactions, making it easier to resolve conflicts and move forward without lingering resentment.

Here are five ways to incorporate the 5:1 ratio in your relationships.

1. Express Appreciation Daily

Making a conscious effort to recognize and verbalize your gratitude for your partner's efforts—no matter how small—is akin to taking your "daily relationship vitamins." A 2012 study found that individuals who feel more appreciated by their romantic partners tend to be more appreciative in return, leading to greater responsiveness to their partners' needs. Additionally, appreciative individuals report higher commitment levels and are more likely to remain in their relationships over time.

Here's how you can do it effectively:

Acknowledge the little things. It's easy to take everyday actions for granted, but acknowledging them can make a big difference. Did your partner make you coffee this morning? Did they take out the trash or pick up groceries on their way home? Recognize these efforts with a simple "thank you" or "I appreciate that you always think about me."
Compliment their strengths. Whether it's their sense of humor, their cooking skills or their ability to stay calm under pressure, let them know you see and value these traits. For example, you might say, "I love how you always know how to make me laugh, even on tough days," or "You have such a great eye for detail—that dinner you made was fantastic."
Celebrate achievements. Don't wait for big milestones to celebrate your partner's achievements. Acknowledging small successes shows that you're paying attention and that you're proud of them. You might say, "I'm so proud of you for finishing that project. I know it took a lot of hard work," or "You handled that situation with such grace. I admire your strength."

2. Prioritize Quality Time

Quality time means being fully present with your partner and making an effort to connect on a deeper level. Research shows that everyday non-conflict interactions boost the health and functioning of a relationship. Couples who dedicate more of their daily interactions to talking, rather than arguing, report higher levels of satisfaction, perceive their relationships as more positive and feel closer to their partners. Here's how you can make quality time a regular part of your relationship:

Plan date nights. Regular date nights can be a great way to prioritize quality time. Plan something special, whether it's a dinner at your favorite restaurant, a movie night at home or a spontaneous road trip. The effort you put into planning and enjoying these dates shows your partner that you value your time together.
Enjoy quiet moments. Sometimes, just being in each other's presence is enough. Spend quiet moments together without the need for conversation or activities. Cuddle on the couch, watch a sunset or simply hold hands and enjoy shared silence. These moments of quiet connection can be incredibly powerful and intimate.
Show interest in each other's hobbies. Take the time to learn about and participate in each other's hobbies and interests. Even if it's not something you would normally do, showing interest in what your partner loves can bring you closer together and provide new ways to connect.

3. Apologize And Forgive

Apologizing and forgiving are crucial skills because they help you handle conflicts gracefully and prevent lingering negativity. According to Karina Schumann from the University of Pittsburgh, forgiveness is a transformative process that involves letting go of negativity towards the transgressor and potentially increasing positive feelings and benevolence towards them. Here's how you can effectively practice the art of apology and forgiveness in your relationship:

Apologize sincerely. When you make a mistake or hurt your partner, offer a heartfelt apology. This involves acknowledging your mistake, expressing regret and taking responsibility. Avoid making excuses or justifying your actions. Instead, say something like, "I'm really sorry for what I said earlier. It was thoughtless and I can see how it hurt you."
Make amends. Whenever possible, try to make amends for your mistakes. This could be through actions that show you're committed to changing your behavior or through gestures that demonstrate your regret. This might mean making extra effort to be considerate or finding ways to show your partner how much they mean to you.
Focus on solutions. When discussing a conflict, focus on finding solutions rather than rehashing past mistakes. Work together to understand what went wrong and how to prevent similar issues in the future. This collaborative approach can strengthen your bond and make both of you feel heard and valued.

4. Accept Their Perspective

According to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, considering your partner's viewpoint shifts focus from immediate, self-centered desires to broader relationship concerns and long-term consequences. This perspective-taking can lead to behaviors that ensure long-term happiness for both partners. Individuals who consider their partner's viewpoint often feel closer, more caring and more inclined to spend time together. These feelings of concern can also help de-escalate conflicts, supporting relationship well-being during challenges both within and outside the relationship.

Here's how you can practice this effectively:

Truly listen to what your partner is saying without interrupting or preparing your rebuttal. Give them your full attention, maintain eye contact and nod or provide verbal affirmations to show you're engaged. Active listening demonstrates that you value their thoughts and feelings.
Recognize and acknowledge your partner's emotions. Even if you disagree with their point of view, their feelings are valid. You may affirm the legitimacy of their perspective by saying things like, "I understand why you feel this way given what happened," or "It makes sense that you're hurt by this."
Be open to compromise. Accepting your partner's perspective sometimes means being willing to compromise. This doesn't mean giving up your own views but finding a middle ground that respects both partners' feelings and needs. Compromise shows that you're committed to the relationship and willing to work together.

5. Keep It Light

Research shows that humor is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction, making it a valuable tool in any relationship. It can diffuse tension, create positive interactions and strengthen your emotional connection. Here's how you can effectively bring more laughter into your relationship:

Share inside jokes. Inside jokes are unique to your relationship and can be a fun way to bond. They remind you of shared experiences and bring a sense of closeness. Create and revisit these little humorous moments to reinforce your connection.
Playful teasing. Light-hearted, playful teasing can add a fun dynamic to your relationship. The key is to keep it gentle and ensure it's always respectful. Teasing about something your partner finds endearing can bring a smile to their face, but be sure to avoid sensitive topics that might hurt their feelings.
Find humor in everyday situations. Look for the humor in everyday life. Sometimes, the funniest moments come from unexpected situations. Laugh together at the little quirks of life, whether it's a clumsy mishap or a funny observation. Finding humor in the mundane helps keep things light and enjoyable.

Is your relationship following the 5:1 rule? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale for a science-backed answer.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.