4 Ways To Prevent Your Child From Becoming A Bully

Is your child displaying 'bullying tendencies'? Here's how to nip them in the bud.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 25, 2024

Bullying is a pervasive issue that affects children and families across the world. As a parent, you might want to do everything in your power to protect your child from this experience, but it can be more difficult to make sense of it when your own child displays bullying tendencies.

It is essential to remember that your child is not doomed to be a bully forever and is acting out for an important reason. Intervening at an early age can help them fight these tendencies.

A 2018 study in the Journal of Child and Family Studies supports the argument that aggression in social contexts might not always be driven by malice but could also involve complex social and defensive dynamics. Children may use bullying as a tool to prevent others from gaining emotional control and status, driven by a constant need to protect their fragile sense of self, irrespective of how others may feel.

Examining family dynamics is also essential in addressing the root causes of bullying. Research suggests re-evaluating one's parenting style to understand whether it encourages bullying behavior, as authoritarian styles often do.

Researchers suggest that parents ask themselves the following questions:

• Do we make insensitive jokes about others at home? Such humor might foster a culture of insensitivity that children could replicate.
• Is there a safe and open space for our child to share their feelings? A supportive environment can help prevent frustration from manifesting as bullying.
• Are we imposing unrealistic expectations on our children? Excessive pressure to succeed can lead to stress, with negative behaviors becoming outlets for unexpressed anxiety.
• Does my child feel comfortable expressing emotions like anger and jealousy, or are they bottling them up? Suppressed emotions can turn into aggression towards peers.

Here are four effective tactics for parents to combat bullying tendencies and foster more empathy in their children.

1. Encourage Them To Seek "Positive Power"

Research shows that bullying is deeply connected to power dynamics within social settings. It often emerges as a misguided attempt to maintain control and social hierarchies.

Children can seek validation through peer interactions, often by attempting to control the social dynamics around them. For instance, research indicates that bullying creates a deceptive sense of power, especially when reinforced by social validation such as other children joining a child to laugh at someone else.

Parents can instead promote the idea of "positive power," derived from empathy, inclusivity and support. This approach helps children understand that real empowerment comes from positive actions towards others, not from bullying.

For instance, you can encourage them to assist classmates who are struggling with their homework, involve them in community service activities such as helping at a local food bank, participating in a neighborhood clean-up or spending time at an animal shelter, promote teamwork by having them participate in group projects or sports or teach them how be good listeners to friends going through tough times.

2. Promote Healthy Sources Of Joy

A 2021 study suggests that bullying can offer a fleeting sense of pleasure. In the world of psychology, we often call this as "schadenfreude"—the enjoyment of others' suffering.

This temporary boost in social status and self-esteem can reinforce bullying behavior.

Instead, parents can encourage children to find true joy in positive interactions and achievements, steering them away from seeking fulfillment in destructive ways. Positive sources of joy can include fulfilling hobbies such as painting, playing a musical instrument, writing or gardening.

You can also help your child organize playdates and group outings to foster strong, positive social connections. Acknowledging and celebrating their achievements—whether academic, athletic or personal and planning quality family time can create positive memories and meaningful relationships for them to fall back on.

3. Discourage The Need For Revenge

A 2021 study found a significant correlation between bullying behavior and parenting style. It further explains that adolescents with authoritarian parenting were more likely to exhibit bullying behavior, while those with permissive parenting were more likely to be victims.

Adam Groff from the Netflix show Sex Education, played by Connor Swindells, is a great fictitious example illustrating how negative family influences can perpetuate bullying.

To discourage vengeful behavior in children, parents can model forgiveness and understanding in their interactions. Explain why it is important to let go of grudges and set positive examples of conflict resolution. You can also help children understand the impact of their actions on others by discussing feelings and consequences and reward acts of kindness, sharing and cooperation.

4. Encourage Open Communication

The labels we prescribe to others often mirror our own insecurities. For example, calling someone ugly might be a way to reassure oneself of their own self-worth. To prevent such behavior, create a supportive and introspective home environment. Teach your child to express their emotions openly and without guilt and provide guidance on how to manage them in a healthy way.

Research from the National Association of School Psychologists supports that a nurturing environment reduces bullying and fosters emotional well-being. Compassionate dialogue and shared experiences with parents build trust and positivity in children, extending to their interactions with others. Another study suggests that emphasizing empathy and open dialogue within family communications or in school can help your child grow into a compassionate individual.

Bullying behavior often stems from deeper underlying issues that children face. As parents, our influence is profound; by setting a positive example and being attentive to our children's emotional needs, we can help them develop into caring and empathetic individuals who understand the value of treating others with kindness and respect.

Are you feeling overwhelmed trying to rein in your child's behavior? Take the science-backed Parental Burnout Scale to understand the depth of the problem.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.