3 Ways To Support A Partner With ADHD

ADHD can be paralyzing at times. Here's how to be there for your partner on their harder days.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 09, 2024

People with ADHD know all too well how their neurodivergence can often get the better of them, and their partners likely know it too. Such relationships can be both rewarding and challenging; while ADHD comes with its unique set of traits—like creativity, spontaneity and hyperfocus—it can also present hurdles that require immense patience and understanding from their other half.

Here are three psychologist-backed tips to help you support your partner with ADHD, while also nurturing a healthy and balanced relationship.

1. Try 'Co-Regulating' When They're Having a Hard Time

Emotional regulation—or, our ability to recognize, assess and work through our emotions—can be particularly difficult for individuals with ADHD, according to 2017 research from Current Psychiatry Reports. This means that dealing with intense emotions and stress can be tricky and overwhelming—for both the individual and their partner.

This is where co-regulation comes into play. A 2013 study from Emotion Review defines co-regulation as "a bidirectional linkage of oscillating emotional channels (subjective experience, expressive behavior, and autonomic physiology) between partners, which contributes to emotional and physiological stability for both partners in a close relationship."

In simpler terms, this means two people helping each other stay calm and emotionally balanced. And, in practice—specifically, if your partner with ADHD is struggling to regulate their own emotions—this means helping them do so by being a calming presence. It's a powerful way to support them without having to solve their problems for them:

Practice deep breathing together. When your partner is feeling overwhelmed, invite them to take slow, deep breaths with you. This simple act can help lower stress levels for both of you.
Offer physical reassurance. A gentle touch on the arm or holding their hand can provide a grounding sensation that helps them feel more secure and supported.
Be present. Sometimes, just being there is enough. Sit with them, listen and offer a non-judgmental space for them to express their feelings.

When your partner is feeling anxious, frustrated or overstimulated, your response can significantly impact their ability to regain control. Instead of reacting with frustration or impatience, try to stay calm and centered yourself. Your emotional state can influence theirs—a process known as emotional contagion. By maintaining a steady, composed demeanor, you can help your partner mirror that calmness; this can make it much easier for them to work through their emotions.

2. Help Them Help You With 'Body Doubling'

It's well known that people with ADHD may struggle to complete tasks—be it academic, household-related or even a personal project—as easily as others, as explained by a 2023 study from the Journal of Clinical and Experimental Neuropsychology. They may do their best, but abandon it halfway out of distraction or due to being overwhelmed—or they might forget to do it in the first place. This can be incredibly frustrating for a partner who may feel as though they need to shoulder the burden of an array of incomplete or left-behind tasks and chores.

One of the lesser-known and under-researched (but highly effective) strategies for managing this is a technique called "body doubling," which simply involves having a partner or friend nearby while working on a task alongside them. This technique helps increase focus and reduce distractions, which can be particularly beneficial for someone with ADHD—who may struggle with maintaining attention or following through on tasks. The presence of someone else working on something may also motivate them to do the same:

Household tasks. Tackle chores together; if they've been putting off folding the laundry, do the dishes alongside them. By working side-by-side, you can create a supportive environment that makes mundane tasks feel more manageable, and also double as their accountability partner.
Work time. If your partner is working on something that requires concentration—something that you know they tend to struggle with, like studying or completing paperwork—sit nearby with your own work, or even over video call. Your presence can help them stay focused and motivated.
Encouraging breaks. Use your time together to encourage short, structured breaks. This can prevent them from being overwhelmed by burnout and abandoning the task before finishing.

The presence of another person creates a sense of accountability and shared focus, which can make it much easier for your partner to stay on track. Whether it's doing household chores, studying or even working on a hobby, your physical presence can make a big difference to their motivation and attention. No matter the task, body doubling can show your partner that you're in it together.

3. Don't Take Their Symptoms Personally

ADHD can manifest in ways that might sometimes feel hurtful or frustrating, but it's crucial to remember that these behaviors are never intentional. Forgetfulness, distractibility and impulsivity—as outlined in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—are common symptoms of ADHD.

It's easy to take it personally when your partner forgets an important date, loses track of a conversation or seems inattentive. If these behaviors and symptoms begin to weigh heavily on you or the overall relationship, you must make this known to them:

Open communication. Talk openly about how ADHD affects your relationship. Discuss specific behaviors that might be challenging—like forgotten anniversaries, birthdays or dates—and work together to find solutions or strategies to manage them.
Perspective-taking. Try to see things from your partner's point of view. Recognize that what might seem simple to you, like remembering to pick up groceries, can be a significant challenge for someone with ADHD.
Managing frustrations. When you feel frustrated, take a step back and remind yourself that it's the ADHD at work—not a reflection of your partner's love or commitment. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without condemning their character. For example, "I feel hurt when plans change at the last minute" rather than "You never stick to our plans."

They may be late, untidy and forgetful, and they may get angry when you try to change up plans last-minute; these are not attempts to frustrate you, but a product of their best attempts to self-regulate. Always remember that these symptoms are a part of how your partner's brain works, and that they are not reflections of their feelings toward you.

Are you struggling to empathize with your ADHD partner? Take this test to receive results and science-backed advice: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.