Much of the research on divorce focuses on what happens after a marriage ends, but the period when couples are unsure — caught between despair and the possibility of repair — can be the most pivotal. 

A new study published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy examines how hope and religiosity influence whether individuals engage in repair efforts or move toward divorce, revealing that even a small spark of hope can redirect the trajectory of a struggling relationship.

Drawing on both clinical experience in discernment counseling and empirical data, the study shows that hope is a powerful predictor of sustained repair behaviors, while religiosity can indirectly support this process by providing meaning, community, and resilience. 

I recently spoke with the lead author of the study, Shauna Fenske, about why hope matters, how spirituality can facilitate healing and practical steps couples can take to cultivate hope even in the most challenging moments of relational distress. Here’s a summary of our conversation.

What inspired you to explore how hope and religiosity influence whether individuals choose to work on repairing their relationship instead of moving toward divorce?

I was drawn to this research because much of the literature on divorce focuses on outcomes, what happens after a marriage ends, rather than the process of decision-making when a marriage is in trouble. Yet, that period of uncertainty is often the very moment when the greatest opportunity for repair still exists. 

As a clinician who specializes in discernment counseling, a method designed to help couples at the crossroads of divorce, I regularly sit with individuals and partners navigating that painful and confusing space. I have witnessed how fragile that season can feel, and also how transformative it can be when even a small sense of hope takes root. 

Hope and religiosity stood out to me as important variables because both are deeply tied to how people make meaning and cope with adversity. Hope represents the belief that change is possible, and religiosity often provides both meaning and community support. I wanted to better understand whether these factors could shift the trajectory for couples who are caught between despair and the possibility of repair.

What makes relationship hope such a significant factor for couples who are contemplating divorce?

Hope is not the same as blind optimism; it is an active belief that one’s relationship can improve. When couples are contemplating divorce, their sense of hope often determines whether they invest effort in repair behaviors, like counseling, honest conversations or forgiveness. 

Without hope, even the best interventions fall flat because there is no belief in the possibility of a different future. But with hope, couples are more likely to engage, persist and give themselves a chance at healing.

In my clinical work, I often tell couples, “Let me hold hope for you,” especially when one partner feels more ambivalent or detached. Many times, hope feels out of reach because of the hurt and disconnection that has built up over time. Yet, hope is necessary for sustaining efforts to reconcile. Even when couples cannot see it for themselves, having someone hold that vision of a different future can create the space for them to begin trying again.

You found that higher levels of hope at the first point in time predicted more repair efforts a year later. What do these findings suggest about how early intervention or mindset shifts might influence long-term relationship behavior?

The finding that early hope predicted later repair efforts highlights how critical it is to intervene before hopelessness becomes entrenched. In the early stages of distress, many individuals feel stuck between ambivalence and despair. A key part of the therapeutic task is to normalize that hopelessness, rather than treating it as evidence that the relationship is beyond repair. 

When couples hear that feeling hopeless does not mean their marriage is doomed, it reduces shame and opens the door for new possibilities.

From there, small but intentional mindset shifts can be transformative. Reframing conflict as an opportunity for growth, rather than as a signal of failure, helps couples begin to see distress differently. Even modest hope, introduced early, can redirect their trajectory and sustain efforts to repair over time. 

This is why therapists, clergy and other helpers play such an important role. By holding both the reality of hopelessness and the possibility of a different future, we create space for couples to move from resignation into renewed effort.

Many people assume that if a couple is contemplating divorce, they are beyond help. How does your research challenge that assumption, and why is it crucial for therapists and couples to approach distress as an opportunity rather than a dead-end?

Our research shows that contemplating divorce does not necessarily mean a marriage is over. In fact, many individuals in distress still actively engage in repair efforts. Divorce ideation is more common than many realize, with national data suggesting that about one in four spouses report recent thoughts of divorce. 

Importantly, those thoughts fall along a spectrum. Some are “soft thinkers,” who feel disconnected or have grown apart, while others are “serious thinkers,” facing more intensive challenges such as infidelity or addiction. What is striking is that both groups still express a desire to work on their marriage.

This finding challenges the assumption that once divorce is on the table, hope has already been lost. Even couples who struggle to maintain hope often attempt repair behaviors, whether through counseling, forgiveness or meaningful conversations. 

Distress is not a dead-end. It is a turning point where the right kind of support can make a difference. For therapists and couples, the key is to normalize divorce thoughts, reduce shame around them and help reframe distress as an opportunity for growth and repair rather than a final verdict.

Hope had a strong predictive role, while religiosity only indirectly influenced hope at one point in time. How should we interpret the connection between spiritual beliefs and practical repair efforts in relationships facing distress?

That’s correct. Hope was the stronger predictor of sustained repair behaviors, while religiosity was only indirectly related. This suggests that religious beliefs alone do not automatically translate into repair efforts, but they can fuel hope, which in turn motivates action. 

For couples of faith, spiritual beliefs may provide a foundation of resilience and a moral framework to persevere. The key is whether those beliefs translate into the psychological resource of hope, which then drives concrete relational behaviors.

It is also important to recognize the limitations of how religiosity was measured in this study. We relied on only two broad indicators: frequency of church attendance and the importance of religion in one’s life. These global measures are common in research, but they obscure the many ways religion actually operates in relationships. 

When we ran the model with only the larger Time 1 sample, religiosity did significantly predict hope. However, that effect did not hold when Time 2 data were included, likely because of attrition and statistical constraints when controlling for prior repair efforts. 

This reminds us that religion is a multifaceted construct. Prayer, forgiveness, shared rituals and community support may operate differently than simple measures of attendance or personal importance.

What we can take from this is that, while hope is the more direct and consistent driver of repair, spirituality and religiosity may still play an important supportive role. They may provide the soil in which hope can grow, even if our measures did not capture all the richness of that influence.

Religiosity can offer meaning in uncertain times, but it’s often seen as either a protective factor or a source of tension in marriages. Based on your findings, how can couples and clinicians engage with spirituality in ways that support repair rather than create further complications?

The key is to approach religiosity as a potential resource rather than a rigid prescription. For some couples, shared faith practices — such as prayer, attending services or seeking counsel from a religious leader — can strengthen connection and resilience. For others, differences in belief or mismatched expectations can heighten strain. 

That is why the question for clinicians is not simply, “Are you religious?” but rather, “How does faith function in your relationship?” Spirituality can serve very different roles. 

At its best, it creates a context for compassion, forgiveness, humility and perseverance. These qualities help couples stay engaged with repair efforts even when emotions are raw. At its most unhelpful, religiosity can reinforce guilt, shame or rigid expectations that actually block repair. Good clinical work helps couples discern whether their faith practices are supporting connection or fueling conflict.

This requires cultural humility and flexibility. For one couple, it may mean deepening shared rituals of prayer or worship. For another, it may mean finding language around spirituality that honors each partner’s perspective without demanding uniformity. And for some, it may mean reframing faith not as a set of rules to follow, but as a source of grace and encouragement when the relationship feels most fragile.

For couples who do decide to move toward reconciliation, forgiveness work often becomes central. In my clinical experience, forgiveness is not only a spiritual practice, but also a relational skill that sustains hope and allows partners to keep engaging in the hard work of repair. By integrating forgiveness into the process, clinicians can help couples use spirituality as a bridge toward healing rather than as a source of further division.

For couples or individuals who are thinking about divorce but still want to try repairing their relationship, what practical steps would you recommend to build and sustain relationship hope, especially in the early stages of distress?

First, it is important to acknowledge that thoughts of divorce are common and do not automatically mean the marriage is over. Once that is named, the focus becomes finding ways to protect and nurture even a small sense of hope. 

Some of the most helpful steps include:

• Take manageable steps. Rather than trying to solve everything at once, start small. This might mean scheduling one intentional conversation each week or committing to try out a counseling session before making any long-term decisions. Small steps build momentum.

• Be intentional about support. Many people instinctively turn to close family or friends when they are hurting, but those conversations often generate more division than healing. Confiding only in people who will respect the couple’s process and support their efforts to change is crucial. Otherwise, even well-meaning loved ones can harden positions and make reconciliation harder.

• Focus on yourself, not just your partner. Often, partners lower their hope by waiting for the other person to change, especially if past attempts have been disappointing. Shifting the focus toward what you can do differently — whether in communication, emotional presence or boundaries — restores a sense of confidence in your own effort. This empowers individuals to feel hope again because they are no longer waiting on someone else’s choices. And even if the relationship does not ultimately change, this self-focus provides clarity about whether it can continue in a healthy way.

• Track what is working. Celebrate moments of progress, however small. Noticing when conflict is handled with more patience, or when connection is reestablished, reinforces the belief that change is possible.

• Hold space for ambivalence. Especially in the early stages, one partner may feel more uncertain or detached than the other. Naming and validating that ambivalence can lower defensiveness and create space for both partners to re-engage without pressure.

In my work with couples at the crossroads of divorce, I have seen how these small but deliberate choices can shift the trajectory. They do not guarantee reconciliation, but they keep the possibility alive. And, sometimes, that possibility is enough to help partners step back from the edge and consider what is still worth fighting for.

Can relationship hope truly help marriages pull out of deep distress or despair, and if so, how might that process unfold in therapy or everyday interactions between couples?

Yes, hope can be a turning point, even in deep distress. What our research suggests is that hope is not abstract optimism, but a lived, relational force. 

In therapy, fostering hope often begins with uncovering strengths that have not been completely lost: shared values, resilience that has carried them through past trials or small moments of care that still break through the conflict. When couples are helped to envision a future that looks different from their present pain, it creates the motivation to risk trying again.

In everyday life, hope does not arrive in sweeping transformations, but in deliberate, ordinary choices. Choosing to forgive instead of holding a grudge, expressing gratitude in the middle of tension or re-engaging in rituals of connection all remind partners why they matter to one another. These actions may feel small, but, over time, they form a cycle where hope fuels repair and repair reinforces hope.

What is most profound is that hope shifts the balance of power in a distressed relationship. Despair convinces couples that their future is already written. Hope interrupts that story and insists that something new is still possible. And whether or not a marriage ultimately continues, hope gives partners the courage to engage fully, to show up differently and to discern with clarity rather than fear. 

In that sense, hope is not only what saves some marriages. It is what allows individuals to reclaim their agency, their growth and their truth in the midst of one of life’s hardest decisions. 

If there is one thing I would want couples and clinicians to take away, it is that hope is not naïve; it is an active resource. Even in seasons of deep ambivalence, cultivating hope can change the trajectory of a relationship and create space for repair that might otherwise be missed.

Wondering how strong your marriage stands today? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Marital Satisfaction Scale