While stereotypes suggest that women get easily swayed by sweet talk and men shrug it off, new research tells a more nuanced story. 

Drawing on evolutionary theory, a new study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science reveals that women consistently favor “sweet actions” over “sweet words” more than men do. This is a preference tied to the material realities of caregiving and survival. Men, meanwhile, display greater flexibility, shifting their responses depending on context and how emotional warmth is expressed.

I recently spoke with Jianmin Zeng, the lead author of the study, about what sparked this line of research, how evolutionary perspectives help explain these differences, and what the results mean for today’s dating world. Here’s a summary of our conversation.

What inspired you to explore the difference between “sweet words” and “sweet actions” in romantic relationships, and why is this distinction important?

People generally have the stereotype that females are more easily swayed by sweet words than males, but little empirical work has been devoted to testing this stereotype, which motivated us to conduct this research. 

From an applied perspective, knowing what your boyfriend or girlfriend prefers can help you in your pursuit of a partner. Theoretically, clarifying this fact can test evolutionary selection theory in the context of mate selection.

You mentioned evolutionary theories as a backdrop. How do ideas about reproductive costs and long-term mate selection help explain the differences between men's and women's preferences?

In this research, we found that females favor sweet actions over sweet words more than males do. This observation is consistent with evolutionary theories. In reality, compared with males, females naturally need more sweet actions. Females endure the tasks of pregnancy and childcare. Such tasks are tough and quite material; sweet words can help a little, but sweet actions can help a lot. 

If a female cared much more about sweet words than sweet actions, her babies would probably receive less care, and their survival rate would be lower. This may have led to a decrease in the proportion of such females over evolutionary history. Consequently, modern females typically favor sweet actions over sweet words more than males do.

Could you briefly describe how you conducted the three studies and why it was important to test these preferences across different scenarios?

Study 1 asked participants to evaluate sweet actions or sweet words separately. Study 2 asked participants to choose between two profiles: one being excellent in sweet words, the other in sweet actions. It also tested the mediating role of perceived warmth. Study 3 is similar to Study 2, but the materials were changed significantly to ensure the robustness of the findings. 

Using three studies to test these preferences ensures the robustness of the results, provides several perspectives on the same topic, and helps explore the underlying mechanism of this phenomenon.

Unlike women’s stable preferences, men’s responses shifted across studies. What does this variability suggest about how men interpret emotional signals and balance relationship priorities?

Changing the experimental materials can lead to different preferences. For instance, if we increase the “sweetness” of the actions and keep the sweetness of the words unchanged, individuals’ preferences will surely shift toward sweet actions. 

The point of this article is not about whether males or females respectively prefer sweet actions or sweet words, but about the comparison between the degree of their preference. The exact finding is that females favor sweet actions over sweet words more than males do.

Based on your findings, what advice would you offer to both men and women trying to navigate the dating world in ways that communicate investment and emotional sincerity effectively?

If you are pursuing a woman, sweet actions can help a lot. If you are pursuing a man, sweet words can help a lot.

What are some misconceptions about how men and women value affection that your findings help challenge? How could this improve communication between partners?

People generally have the conception that females are prone to sweet words but males are insensitive to them. However, we found that females favor sweet actions over sweet words more than males do, suggesting we need a more nuanced understanding of male and female preferences. The implications for partnerships are that males could perform more sweet actions, and females could speak more sweet words to their partners.

Considering that preferences for actions or words depend on context, warmth and perceived trustworthiness, how can people balance verbal and nonverbal expressions of love to communicate authentically and meet their partner's needs?

Perceived warmth and trustworthiness are the underlying psychological mechanisms of this phenomenon. Bearing this in mind, you should choose sweet words or sweet actions that will be perceived as warm and trustworthy at that moment or situation, as this can best please the person you are pursuing or your partner.

Are sweet words your love language? Or do sweet actions speak louder? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Love Language Scale