3 Ways To Spot A Bad Friend From Their Language

Here's three ways that a frenemy will use 'distancing language' to keep you at arm's length.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 22, 2024

We all have that one friend who keeps us guessing about where we stand with them. No matter how much we try to include them in our plans, share our thoughts or just be a good friend to them, our efforts always seem to fall flat. And when we try to talk to them about it, we often end up feeling even more confused.

Sound familiar? You're not alone. The bad news is that this might not be a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication between friends—it's often a deliberate tactic to create "psychological distance." Here's why people do it, and how it can manifest in conversation.

What Is Psychological Distancing?

It's a universal experience: when we feel stressed or uncomfortable, our instinct is often to take a "time out" or create some space from the situation. This need for distance isn't just physical; according to a 2017 study from the Journal of Experimental Psychology, we also do it mentally. We engage in psychological distancing to help us manage stress and discomfort.

Psychological distancing involves imagining upsetting situations as happening far away or from a third-person perspective. The study maintains that this mental strategy reduces negative emotions and lowers biological signs of stress—such as blood pressure and amygdala activity. Essentially, by mentally pushing away negative experiences, we lessen their physical, emotional impact.

However, the authors found that when we want to mentally distance ourselves from things we don't like, shifting our language to reflect this distance dampens their emotional impact even more effectively. To achieve this, we use "distancing language"—we avoid discussing these issues in the present tense and refrain from using first-person pronouns.

How Distancing Language Manifests In Relationships

Psychological distancing and the use of distancing language are effective coping mechanisms when we need space from what troubles us, as these subtle changes in language and mentality allow us to create personalized emotional buffers. However, when what bothers us is another person, these mechanisms can surface in our conversations—and the impact on the recipient is often less than pleasant.

A study from the journal of Human Communication Research confirms this phenomenon. The study found that when one person isn't fond of another, they tend to use distancing behaviors to reduce their discomfort. These behaviors generally fall into three categories—namely expressing detachment, avoiding involvement and showing antagonism.

1. Expressing Detachment

If you try to initiate conversation or connection with someone who's trying to create psychological distance, they may respond in ways that minimize emotional engagement or interest in the conversation. For instance:

• "That was a great movie, wasn't it?" is met with "Eh, it was okay."
• "I was thinking I'd bake those cookies you like today. Would you like that?" gets a "Maybe."
• "I'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend! I'll see you at five on Saturday, right?" is met with "Yeah…or whenever we meet up."

The other person will do their best to seem neutral or indifferent, and will avoid signaling any kind of interest or enthusiasm. They may downplay your shared experiences, avoid expressing commitment or even passive-aggressively shut down your attempts to connect with them.

2. Avoiding Involvement

When you attempt to keep contact, connection or closeness with someone who's attempting to create psychological distance from you, their language might be hesitant, vague or non-committal:

• "I saw you also got the invite to Skylar's birthday party. Are you gonna go?" results in a "Maybe."
• "Do you want to join us for dinner tonight?" gets a "We'll see."
• "Can we talk about what happened yesterday?" is met with "Can we not do this now?"

Their responses will show a clear reluctance to commit. They'll leave invitations or bids for connection hanging, they'll be as vague as possible to avoid confirmed involvement and they'll create overt barriers to ward off your attempts to communicate with them—all in an attempt to keep you at arm's length.

3. Showing Antagonism

A truly apathetic person might be antagonistic, either subtly or outright, in their attempts to create distance—which can lead to either palpable tension or conflict:

• "I really enjoyed our time together last weekend." gets a "Well, I had other things I could have been doing."
• "I was hoping we could spend more time together." is deflected with "I'm busy with more important things."
• "Do you want to watch a movie tonight?" is turned away by a "Why do we always want to do what you want?"

They might not only distance themselves from you, but they might also introduce a negative tone that can strain the relationship further. They might dismiss your ideas and thoughts or belittle you or your attempts to connect with them. They may even go so far as to create conflict in the hopes that you'll back off.

The Bottom Line

Distancing language is a powerful, protective mechanism. It allows individuals to shield themselves from appearing vulnerable, overly caring or interested. It's an effective way to create a psychological barrier, preserving their sense of control and emotional safety. And while it may make them feel better, the same won't be said for you.

If you have a friend who seems incapable of giving you a straightforward yes or no answer, or who responds in ways that make it impossible for you to figure them out—they might not be a true friend at all. Take their consistent use of distancing language as a sign that they are uninterested in building a genuine connection.

Don't feel pressured to continue investing in a one-sided relationship. True friendships are built on concerted effort and interest. If your attempts to create closeness are consistently met with distance, it's important to recognize that you deserve better. Everyone deserves friendships where the feeling is unambiguously mutual.

Do you view yourself as a good friend? Take the science-backed Active-Empathic Listening Scale to know for sure.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.