3 Ways 'Approval Seeking' Can Impact Your Love Life

This single habit can make it significantly harder for you to find 'the one.' Here's how.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 13, 2025

Some of us meet a partner and instantly think, "Yes, this is it—they're the one." Others take the longer route, and seek validation from parents, friends or loved ones before feeling confident in their choice.

This need for approval can make finding a partner more challenging. Even when you do find the right person, waiting for others to validate your decision can create doubt, causing you to second-guess yourself repeatedly. In some cases, it might even lead to ending a potentially beautiful relationship.

Many people rely on external validation from social circles or society before fully committing to a relationship. But why do they feel the need for approval in love, and what challenges does this create?

Here are three psychological reasons behind our tendency to seek approval for our choices, including romantic ones, and how it impacts us.

1. You Learned Early That Love Came With Conditions

Growing up in a home where love felt conditional—where approval had to be earned and was not given freely—can leave deep emotional wounds. If you were constantly criticized or felt like you had to meet impossible standards just to be accepted, it's natural to struggle with self-worth. Over time, this can turn into a habit of seeking validation from others, whether in friendships, at work or in romantic relationships.

When love and approval are tied to conditions—only given when you behave a certain way—it can create intense pressure to always "perform" to be accepted. This is known asconditional parental regard (PCR), according to a 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality, and can lead to deep-seated anxiety, self-doubt and an exhausting need to prove yourself to the world.

In relationships, this might show up as a fear of choosing the "wrong" partner, constantly wondering what others think or feeling like your happiness depends on outside approval.

But, basing your self-worth on how others see you is an emotional rollercoaster. It means your confidence rises and falls based on external factors—how people react, whether they approve of your choices or how well you meet expectations. Over time, this doesn't just make love harder to find—it can also lead to resentment, frustration and emotional burnout.

If this sounds familiar, ask yourself: Why does it matter so much whether others approve of your choices? What would change if you allowed yourself to trust your own judgment?

Learning to challenge these deeply ingrained beliefs can help you find a greater sense of self-acceptance. When your self-worth is built on stable, internal values—like integrity, kindness or personal growth—you become more resilient in the face of criticism or rejection.

The moment you stop living for external approval, life begins to feel lighter. Decisions feel less stressful and your relationships become more authentic. You start choosing what truly makes you happy, rather than what pleases others. And that shift, more than anything, can lead to deeper fulfillment—not just in love, but in every aspect of life.

2. Social Comparisons Make You Doubt Your Choice

Constantly comparing yourself to others—especially on social media—can make you feel like you're falling short. Scrolling through picture-perfect couples who seem to have it all can plant doubts in your mind. Instead of focusing on the depth and meaning of your relationship, you might start worrying about how you and your partner look together in the eyes of others.

On top of that, research published in Current Directions in Psychological Science in 2022 explains how gendered expectations shape how we think love should look. Women are often expected to be passive and attractive, while men are told to be emotionally distant and dominant. So what happens if a woman is assertive or doesn't fit beauty standards? Or if a man is open and treats women as equals? Are they less deserving of love?

These ideas, pushed by media and social norms, can make us doubt our relationships for the wrong reasons. But insecurities don't just come from social media. Cultural and societal pressures can also make you question whether your relationship is "good enough."

Think about Chase and Kya from the 2022 movie Where the Crawdads Sing as an example. Kya, the "marsh girl," was treated like an outcast, while Chase came from a well-liked, respectable family. He claimed to love Kya but kept their relationship a secret—because he was afraid of what people might say. His fear of judgment mattered more than his feelings for her. Feeling ashamed of your partner should never be normalized.

Instead of worrying about how your relationship looks to others or trying to fit into societal molds, try to practice mindfulness. A 2018 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Review explains how mindfulness helps you reconnect with the true meaning and depth of your relationship. It can lead to more acceptance from that partner, which in turn is linked to greater relationship satisfaction for the other partner.

Telling yourself, "I choose my choice" is another way to reaffirm that your decision matters. You don't have to listen to others unless their concerns are genuinely for your well-being. Love isn't about status, appearances or approval—it's about connection, respect and trust.

At the end of the day, are you happy? Because you're the one living this love story—not the people watching from the sidelines.

3. Pain From Past Relationships Could Fuel Approval Seeking

When someone has a history of making poor choices—especially in relationships—they may start seeking approval, not just out of insecurity, but because they've learned to doubt their own judgment.

If they've been in unhealthy or emotionally abusive relationships, their sense of self-worth may have been chipped away, making them more dependent on external validation to feel "good enough."

When someone has been hurt deeply, they often look to others for reassurance—confirmation that they weren't at fault, that they are still lovable, still worthy of respect. But in doing so, they might unintentionally open up to the wrong people—those who lack empathy, who can't provide real support, or worse, those who take advantage of vulnerability. This cycle can lead to more disappointment and reinforce the belief that they're not worthy of a healthy, fulfilling connection.

Insecurity has a way of attracting people who feed into it. That doesn't just apply to romantic partners—it extends to friends, acquaintances and even colleagues. If left unchecked, this pattern can seep into relationships that had the potential to be healthy. You may find yourself wondering why your relationships don't last or why your situationships fizzle out before they have a chance to grow into something real.

At its core, the way we perceive our relationships is shaped by how we see ourselves. When self-worth is low, there's a tendency to project insecurities onto a partner—doubting their love, questioning their intentions and seeking constant reassurance.

This creates a negative cycle that can push people away. On the other hand, those with high self-esteem tend to lean on their relationships for support and affirmation without becoming dependent on them. They trust that they are valued, and in doing so, they allow love to grow naturally.

The truth is, seeking approval isn't what builds strong relationships—self-assurance is. The more we cultivate trust in ourselves, the more we attract the kind of love that doesn't require constant validation, but instead, feels safe, steady and real.

Do you believe you deserve love and respect just as much as anyone else? Take Rosenberg's Self-Esteem Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.