One of the most common reasons people fall into harmful relationship dynamics is that the behaviors which perpetuate them are learned.

From a young age, we unknowingly internalize lessons about love and communication in a partnership. We pay attention to how our parents interact, and, even if their relationship is far from healthy, we often come to see it as what a “normal” relationship should look like. And, unfortunately, many people end up repeating these patterns later in life, without second thoughts regarding their effects.

The problem, however, is that some of these learned behaviors can be indescribably damaging. People can, even inadvertently so, treat their partners in ways that are harmful without ever really understanding why. And, when confronted, they may simply brush it off with excuses like, “That’s just how relationships work, you’re being too sensitive,” or “My parents did this all the time, and they’re fine.”

These are three of many harmful learned behaviors that often crop up in relationships. If your partner continues to exhibit them despite your protests, then they might not have your best interest at heart.

1. The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is perhaps one of the most common forms of relational punishment, yet it is also one of the most harmful. Partners may opt for the silent treatment by deliberately withdrawing themselves from communication with the other. They ignore texts and refuse to engage, or they may even stay completely silent while in the other’s presence.

Unlike taking space to cool down, which is a much healthier strategy, the silent treatment is used specifically to make the other partner feel uneasy. The message behind the silent treatment is usually: they did something wrong, and now I’ll make them pay for it by restricting their access to me.

For many, this tactic is learned from a very young age. As a child, they may have grown up witnessing one of their parents ice the other out, until they apologized. Or, even worse, their parents might’ve punished them in a similar way, by withdrawing affection and denying them any communication.

Unfortunately, these patterns may well resurface in their subsequent romantic relationships in adulthood — usually unconsciously — as it may be the first thing they learned about how to cope with conflict.

Regardless of whether or not it’s their intention, the silent treatment can be incredibly damaging for the partner on the receiving end. Classic research published in Group Processes & Intergroup Relations demonstrates that the silent treatment can threaten some of our most fundamental needs as social beings: our need for belonging, for self-esteem, for control and for a meaningful existence.

Your very sense of worth is jeopardized when others refuse to acknowledge you. Despite them being in your vicinity, it can still trigger a very deep feeling of abandonment. This psychological sense of desertion will only feel more hurtful when it comes from someone you’re supposed to feel safe with.

A loving partner, on the other hand, would approach conflict in a more direct way. If they need some silence or some time to themselves, they wouldn’t leave you hanging without informing you of their needs first.

They make it clear that they need to step away for an hour, or even a day, to clear their head — but they also ensure you know that they’ll be back soon enough to resolve the issue. They understand precisely how nerve-wracking it is to be left alone in the dark, so they’d never even think to withhold communication as a form of punishment.

And, if you’ve told them how hurtful the silent treatment feels to you, they’d do everything in their power to accommodate those fears and feelings. They’d never dismiss your pain.

2. Weaponizing Your Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a necessary aspect of any serious relationship. But, when we let a partner in on our private fears and insecurities, we’re also taking a rather frightening leap of trust. We offer up some of the most fragile parts of ourselves, and all we can do is desperately hope that they’re handled with care.

In worst case scenarios — that is, when a partner weaponizes that vulnerability — they may respond to your opening up in ways that belittle or dismiss what you shared with them. For instance, you may confide in them about an insecurity or fear, only to hear them tell you that it’s not serious or for them to poke fun at it.

Sadly, partners who respond in these hurtful ways are usually ones who had to learn firsthand that vulnerability is dangerous. In households where emotions are dismissed or mocked regularly, children are very quick to learn that sharing your feelings is something that will likely end poorly.

Unfortunately, individuals who are treated this way repeatedly in their childhoods can be conditioned to maintain this outlook well into their adulthood.

Yet despite how normal these individuals may think their views on vulnerability are, the pain these ideologies can cause is still irrefutable. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology notes that vulnerability in any kind of relationship is already anxiety-inducing enough.

Even the most self-assured person alive may still worry about potentially being viewed as weaker or pitiful after opening up to someone else. Moreover, the authors of the study note that, even when someone’s vulnerability is responded to positively, that fear won’t necessarily subside immediately afterward. Many individuals maintain doubts about the responder’s authenticity, which was found to further perpetuate the cycle of insecurity.

So, when vulnerability is met with mockery or invalidation even once in a romantic relationship, this already fearful process will have even more devastating outcomes.

A loving partner, in contrast, wouldn’t treat vulnerability as anything other than sacred. They listen without judgment and respond only with the utmost reassurance to prove that your openness is always safe with them. It also goes without saying that they’d never intentionally exploit your perceived flaws or weaknesses.

And crucially, if you tell them that their response to your vulnerability feels hurtful or minimizing, they’d take that seriously. In turn, they’d do the work necessary to change that. Should they continue to mock or dismiss you despite your honesty, then they definitely don’t have your best interests at heart.

3. Using Your Insecurities Against You

In loving relationships, insecurities are always treated with the utmost compassion and care. These partners make it a top priority to reassure one another with gentle reminders of their strengths, and they hold each other steady if doubts ever start to creep in. But in toxic relationships, a partner may use those insecurities as tools to control the other.

This may often be paired with the weaponization of vulnerability. Should you choose to open up about your insecurities, they may respond positively in the immediate aftermath — only to use them against you when it benefits them later on.

In most cases, these manifest as what the partner might call a “joke.” But in others, they may go so far as to remind you of your perceived flaws as a power play. A truly vindictive partner may use them as trump cards during arguments, or sneak them into conversations that aren’t going the way they want it to.

Often, the logic behind this cruelty is: the smaller the other partner feels, the less likely they are to leave.

This, sadly, is also a tactic that can be learned in one’s youth. Many children are brought up in environments saturated with archaic and harmful notions that support this behavior — like “be mean to keep them keen,” the belief that keeping a partner insecure ensures their loyalty.

Others may bear witness to the maintenance of control via undermining in their own parents’ relationship. What often serves as a tactic for control in one generation can easily be repeated in the next.

Research collected in the APA’s 2014 book, Mechanisms of Social Connection: From Brain to Group, emphasizes how strongly humans rely on their close relationships as sources of safety and regulation.

In childhood, our caregivers serve as “attachment figures,” who are our primary sources of solace when we’re distressed. And in adulthood, our romantic partners are usually the ones to reabsorb those roles and responsibilities.

As such, our partners should be the secure base from which we explore the world. But when a figure who should empower us chooses to instead highlight those insecurities, the most fundamental principle of attachment is violated.

Consequently, our self-esteem will diminish, and we may also struggle immensely to regulate our emotions in our partner’s presence. And in severe cases, our resilience may collapse altogether.

But a loving partner strives to do the opposite. They remind you of your strengths when you can’t quite see them, and they work hard to show you that you’re so much more than what your inner critic tells you. And if you’ve explained that having your insecurities thrown back at you feels damaging, you’ll see immediate changes in their behavior to rectify this. If they don’t, then they clearly value control more than they do love.

Are you in a relationship with a truly loving, caring partner? Take this science-backed test, and find out how you compare to others: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.