3 Reasons Why People Get Cold Feet Before Their Wedding Day
Marriage is a massive milestone, one that can be incredibly daunting. Here's how the pre-wedding jitters can be so profoundly impactful.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 15, 2024
As you stand on the brink of one of life's most significant commitments—marriage— it's not uncommon to experience sudden doubt, fear and hesitation. In this moment of second-guessing, your initial enthusiasm may be replaced with unexpected apprehension. However, this can be a natural response to the significant life change that marriage represents.
Marriage is a life-changing transition that involves merging lives, finances and possibly families, which can understandably elicit feelings of uncertainty and stress. Accepting these emotions without judgment is the first step toward addressing them. It is also essential to understand the source of these emotions before you walk down the aisle or flee from it.
Here are three reasons why you may experience pre-wedding jitters, and how to navigate them.
1. You Are Questioning Your Relationship
Pre-wedding jitters can arise from doubts about compatibility and longevity within the relationship. Concerns about unresolved conflicts or differing life goals and expectations for the future can cast a shadow of uncertainty over your decision.
Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that women who had premarital doubts were more likely to report higher divorce rates four years later and for couples who remained together, premarital doubts were associated with lower marital satisfaction over time. Researchers conclude that while such doubts are common, they may not always be harmless.
Sometimes, cold feet can be a sign of underlying issues in the relationship that have not been fully addressed or resolved. Before marriage, individuals may also find themselves comparing their current relationship to past relationships or idealized notions of what a partnership should be. This can create doubts about whether their partner truly meets their needs in the long term.
As the wedding day approaches, couples may also reflect on their compatibility in terms of values, goals, lifestyle preferences and communication styles. Differences that were considered manageable or overlooked earlier on in the relationship may seem more pronounced while thinking about a forever together.
Research shows that relational uncertainty usually stems from uncertainty about children, communication, career issues, finances, health, commitment, extended family, sex, retirement, religious beliefs, leisure time and household chores. These are all valid concerns and researchers suggest that such uncertainty can make you question your commitment and can be associated with lower marital quality if it goes unaddressed.
In the heightened emotional state leading up to a wedding, individuals may also overanalyze their partner's words, actions or behaviors, searching for signs that either confirm or dispel their doubts. This can exacerbate rumination and anxiety about the relationship.
Navigating these pre-wedding jitters requires introspection, open communication with your partner and external support from friends, family or a mental health professional. Addressing concerns openly can help you clarify feelings and make a decision from a more emotionally grounded space.
It is important to reflect on what your relationship has been like, whether your partner has consistently shown you who they are over time and if being with them truly aligns with your needs, core values and how you wish to be treated.
Remember who you are as a couple. The spectacle of marriage and other people's often unsolicited opinions can cloud your judgment, so take time to reflect on your relationship's strengths and why you chose to marry your partner in the first place.
Focusing on your future goals and shared dreams can also help shift your perspective from immediate or temporary anxieties to long-term happiness.
Additionally, premarital couples counseling can also provide a structured environment to discuss concerns, improve communication skills and strengthen your bond before marriage.
2. You Are Questioning Yourself
Before committing to marriage, you may question your personal maturity, emotional readiness and the ability to handle the responsibilities and compromises that can come with marriage. You may also wonder if you have fully explored other options or experiences before "settling down."
You may also be questioning your ability to be a good partner. Research published in March found that over the last decade, there has been a decline in the proportion of young adults in the U.S who believe that they will be "very good" spouses. There are also declining expectations of getting married at all.
To address these feelings, take time to reflect on your personal growth, your ability to communicate effectively, manage emotions and handle conflicts constructively. Engage in activities that promote self-awareness and emotional intelligence, such as journaling or mindfulness practices.
Recognize that being a good partner involves continuous learning and growth and you do not have to get everything right. Instead, commit to practicing self-awareness and evolving over time.
Reflect on your intention behind getting married, ensuring that it does not come from a fear of being single or experiencing societal pressure and rather from a space of knowing what you bring to the table as a partner and believing that marriage is the right decision for you.
3. You Are Questioning The Idea Of Marriage Altogether
You may get cold feet when your personal values and beliefs about marriage clash with societal norms or familial expectations. It is essential to reflect on what marriage means to you and whether you and your partner are aligned in this perception.
Marriage may not be for everyone, and you can decide whether it feels like the right way to express deeper commitment to your partner or if there are more suitable ways for you both.
You may also worry about how marriage will alter your daily life, relationships with family and friends or career aspirations. These concerns can amplify pre-wedding jitters as the reality of these changes becomes more imminent.
Past experiences, whether personal or witnessed, can also shape one's perception of marriage and create doubts about whether relationships can truly be successful and long-lasting. For instance, being exposed to divorce or troubled relationships growing up can fuel such doubts.
Recent statistics reveal that while 43% of first marriages in the U.S. are dissolved, divorce rates have also declined significantly since the year 2000. While the cause for concern is understandable, divorce is not inevitable and the success of your marriage truly depends on the unique relationship you have built with your partner.
It is vital to explore your feelings and talk about them rather than shying away from them and to seek support from others through this process. By addressing your concerns, you can pave the way for a more confident and fulfilling journey into marriage.
Wondering how happy you are in your relationship? Take this test to find out: Relationship Satisfaction Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.