2 Ways For Couples To Overcome 'Retroactive Jealousy'

Feeling jealous about a partner's past can be a frustrating experience, but it can be overcome. Here's how you can handle 'retroactive jealousy' as a team.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 28, 2025

Imagine lying next to your partner, feeling close and connected, but then an unwanted thought creeps into your mind—a memory they've mentioned from a past relationship, or a moment that feels like it belongs to someone else.

Suddenly, a wave of jealousy washes over you, not about what's happening in the moment, but about something that happened long before you even met. This is the essence of "retroactive jealousy," an emotion that can quietly sabotage trust and intimacy.

Retroactive jealousy refers to when you feel intense and irrational jealousy about your partner's past—whether it's their previous relationships, sexual experiences or personal history with others. Even if these events no longer have any bearing on your current connection, the emotions they trigger can feel overwhelming and real.

This feeling often stems from unresolved insecurities or fears, both within yourself and your relationship. It can sometimes occur when there's a lack of trust, either because of past experiences or your own fear of being replaced. It's also linked to low self-esteem, where you might unconsciously feel like you don't measure up to your partner's previous experiences.

Alternatively, it could be triggered by an idealization of the relationship you are currently in, making you place unrealistic expectations on both your partner and yourself. Understanding how to deal with such jealousy is vital to creating and sustaining a healthy relationship.

Here are two ways to navigate retroactive jealousy in your relationship.

1. Understand The Origins Of Your Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy can feel like an emotional storm—one that threatens the stability and uniqueness of your relationship. It's not just about feeling jealous about your partner's past; it's about the underlying belief that their past experiences somehow diminish what you share now.

According to a 2023 study published in Counselling and Psychotherapy Research, many individuals dealing with retroactive jealousy perceive their partner's past relationships as a threat to their current bond, causing emotional and physical stress. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and doubts about the relationship's future, and even fears of dissolution or loss of affection.

The roots of retroactive jealousy are also found in deeper emotional responses that can be traced back to some of the following early life experiences:

• Low self-worth. Feeling like you're not enough or comparing yourself to your partner's past can fuel jealousy. These feelings can amplify your fear that you might not measure up or that you're not as special as their past partners.
• Insecure attachment. Attachment styles, often formed in childhood, play a crucial role in how we respond to intimacy in adult relationships. Insecure attachment styles can make it harder to regulate emotions and can cause us to act on emotional vulnerabilities, like eliciting guilt or questioning our partner's commitment, which undermines trust.
• Fear of abandonment. Past experiences of rejection or abandonment can trigger an overreaction to your partner's past, even if there's no real threat. This fear makes you overvalue their previous relationships, perceiving them as a sign that you could be replaced.

When we deeply invest in a relationship, it's natural to envision a perfect bond. Retroactive jealousy can occur when we feel that our partner's past relationships are intrusions on this ideal, which creates unnecessary conflict.

Understanding the roots of your jealousy shines a light on the inner wounds you need to address—for yourself and your relationship.

Additionally, a great framework to support the process of detaching from a partner's past and redirecting your attention to your relationship is "The Sound Relationship House" as explained in relationship expert Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

In this framework, Gottman outlines several key components that are necessary to create a healthy relationship, such as building shared meaning, nurturing fondness and admiration and creating rituals of connection. The model also focuses on two pillars: trust and commitment, which are foundational to the development of a strong and secure bond between partners.

By focusing on building mutual affection and emotional attunement to one another, you can create a relationship that is secure and special, free from the harmful effects of jealousy.

2. Implement A 'Partner-Acknowledgment' Ritual

When retroactive jealousy occurs, it can be difficult to move past the intrusive thoughts about your partner's past. One effective way to break the cycle is through a simple, yet powerful practice of the "partner acknowledgement" ritual.

Whenever you feel the jealousy creeping in, pause and take a moment to share something specific you appreciate about your partner in the present moment. It could be a compliment about their actions, the support they offer or something you value in your relationship right now.

For instance, you might say, "I love how you make me feel supported when I'm stressed," or "I really appreciate how patient you've been with me lately." This practice helps shift your focus from past experiences to the present, reinforcing that your partner's past has no bearing on the unique and valuable connection you share today.

It also creates emotional intimacy and strengthens your bond, reminding both of you that the present is what truly matters. A 2018 study published in Frontiers in Psychiatry also confirms that when people feel grateful, they are less likely to experience hostile and destructive forms of envy.

The study also revealed that gratitude enhances social support, which plays a significant role in mitigating negative emotions like jealousy. When individuals focus on what they appreciate about others rather than what they lack or feel threatened by, they experience less resentment. Over time, regularly acknowledging the positive aspects of your relationship can help reduce the power of retroactive jealousy.

Overcoming retroactive jealousy is not only a path to healing within a relationship but also an opportunity for individual transformation. It requires a great deal of self-awareness and personal growth to be able to recognize and work on your maladaptive patterns in relationships.

It's also important to make a mindful decision not to give in to the impulses and thoughts that pull you into the past. When jealousy arises, take a moment to pause and replace those thoughts with affirmations of trust in your partner and your relationship.

For instance, you could remind yourself, "I trust my partner and the bond we share," or "Our relationship is unique, and their past doesn't define our future." Speaking these affirmations out loud can help create a sense of security.

As the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy. With the right shifts in mindset, you can build a more fulfilling relationship where both partners feel valued, knowing your connection thrives on love, rather than fear.

Wondering whether you might be unintentionally sabotaging your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Sabotage Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.