2 Signs That Your Partner Is A Little Bit Sexist

What's the difference between a chivalrous partner and a sexist one? Here's how to tell.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 20, 2024

Benevolent sexism refers to attitudes or behaviors that appear positive or protective on the surface but are rooted in traditional gender roles that reinforce gender inequality. Unlike hostile sexism, which is overtly negative or antagonistic, benevolent sexism manifests as seemingly affectionate or chivalrous actions that nonetheless uphold the idea that women are weaker, less competent or in need of protection and care from men.

A study published this June in Social Psychological and Personality Science examined the effects of benevolent sexism on women in romantic relationships. Researchers found that women on the receiving end of such behavior usually experience lower levels of well-being and perceive their partners as patronizing, undermining and less reliable.

Here are two subtle signs of benevolent sexism in relationships, according to the study.

1. Your Partner Is Overly 'Helpful'

Benevolent sexism often masquerades as chivalry, but comes with an important caveat. For instance, a man might insist on always paying for dates, opening doors or carrying heavy items for his partner without being asked to. While these actions are often well-intentioned and seen as polite, they can subtly imply that women are incapable of handling certain tasks on their own.

Additionally, a man's "protectiveness" over his partner can turn into control and restrict her autonomy. He may express a desire to "protect" her by discouraging her from taking risks or pursuing certain activities, such as traveling alone or engaging in a challenging career.

This type of benevolent sexism is called "protective paternalism," which refers to men feeling the need to protect and care for women because they perceive them as fragile or incapable of taking care of themselves.

Such behavior also reinforces the idea that men should be the primary providers and decision-makers in a relationship. For instance, a partner might take control of important financial matters or major life choices for his partner without consulting her, believing that he's relieving her of burdens she can't or shouldn't handle.

These actions reinforce traditional gender roles by positioning men as the dominant, stronger figures who must oversee and manage the well-being of women. Consequently, researchers found that women subjected to protective paternalism experience greater psychological distress and lower relationship satisfaction.

"Men's benevolent sexism is stressful, undermining and unappealing to women. Expressions of benevolent sexism are often likely to be uncaring and damaging, despite the subjective positivity of its content. Benevolent sexism relies on people following general prescriptive norms rather than expressing understanding, and being responsive to, their partners' specific abilities and needs," the researchers explain.

2. Your Partner's Praise Reinforces Traditional Gender Roles

Researchers suggest that praising women for conforming to traditional gender norms is another off-putting element of subtle sexism.

A partner might idealize women as inherently purer, more nurturing or morally superior. This can lead to expectations that women should be more self-sacrificing, gentle or virtuous, which can limit their behavior and choices in the relationship.

Benevolent sexism can also encourage the idea that women are naturally better at domestic tasks, caregiving or emotional labor. In a relationship, this could lead to an unequal division of household responsibilities, with women expected to take on the majority of these duties.

Men can display "weaponized incompetence" by deliberately underperforming or pretending to be incapable of fulfilling tasks such as domestic chores or caregiving responsibilities. This shifts the burden onto their partner, reinforcing the stereotype that these roles are inherently feminine.

By expressing admiration for his partner's ability to manage the household or take care of a family, a man might subtly encourage her to continue shouldering these responsibilities. Comments like "You're just so much better at these things" can seem flattering but are actually a way of excusing his lack of participation.

Over time, for women, this can lead to lower relationship satisfaction, resentment and a feeling of being trapped in an unequal partnership. An unfair division of labor also enhances stress and leads to lower sexual desire.

Recognizing the signs of benevolent sexism in your relationship is crucial for maintaining a healthy and balanced partnership. While these behaviors may initially seem caring or complimentary, they often conceal deeper issues of gender inequality and control. By challenging these norms together, couples can create a relationship where both partners feel truly supported, respected and free to thrive on their own terms.

Subtle sexism can make women experience a lack of control in their relationships. Take this test to learn how this may affect you: Relationship Control Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.