How To Identify And Resolve Power Imbalances In Your Relationship

The tug of war will tire both of you out. Here's how to rediscover a healthy equilibrium in your relationship.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | June 27, 2023

Power play in relationships extends beyond dominance and submission, involving the roles each partner assumes in the face of specific challenges or situations. Within a relationship, "power dynamics" refer to these roles and patterns of interaction that influence a partner's behavior. Power imbalances often emerge in relationships in areas like finances, sexual intimacy, decision-making, and other responsibilities.

When there is an imbalance of power, it can manifest in various ways, such as resentment, frequent arguments, and emotional distance. These issues not only have the potential to harm the relationship but can also adversely affect one's mental health.

Here are three common unhealthy power dynamics in relationships and what you can do to resolve them.

#1. Demand/withdrawal

In romantic relationships, the interplay of demand/withdrawal occurs when one person feels that their needs are unmet and their partner dismisses them. The "demander" persistently seeks a specific emotion or action from their partner (e.g., attention, reassurance, support, etc.), and the "withdrawer" evades the partner's requests, perhaps to draw boundaries without explicitly communicating them.

A study published in Personal Relationships delineates the tactics that usually underlie the demand/withdrawal dynamic. Demand tactics include persistent pursuit like nagging and personal insults (including accusations, name-calling, blaming, etc.), while withdrawal tactics involve defensiveness and making excuses, topic change, and creating distance (such as by leaving the room/house, and silent treatment).

The same study also found that this dynamic is linked to spousal depression, with women typically being the "demanders" and men exhibiting withdrawal behavior.

To address this, a couple's focus should be on building trust. One way to do this is to maintain agreements and practice respectful communication. It can help both partners to patiently listen and understand each other's needs without letting their emotional reactions dictate their behavior. You can express yourself by saying something like:

"I think you are avoiding me. Can we try to fix a time to discuss this issue today so that both of us feel better?"
"I need a little space to process what you are asking of me. Can I have a day to myself to mull it over and we can talk about it tonight?"

Establishing a mutual commitment to actively listen to each other and avoiding actions that might hurt one another is a vital first step.

#2. Distancer/pursuer

The distancer/pursuer dynamic arises when one partner is more emotionally invested in the relationship and takes the lead more frequently. The "pursuer" desires a deeper level of intimacy, while the "distancer" feels overwhelmed by this closeness. This imbalance, therefore, mainly revolves around the struggle to find a balance in terms of intimacy and connection.

A study published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy explains the pursuer-distancer dynamic as possibly stemming from familial backgrounds. In one of the case studies cited in the study, the woman's distant relationship with her father and controlling mother shaped her aversion to being controlled, while her partner's experience of protecting his mother from his abusive father led to his persistent pursuit of his spouse.

Additionally, differing ways of communicating love can also contribute to this dynamic. For example, one partner's 'love language' may involve sending numerous text messages throughout the day, whereas their partner may feel overwhelmed and suffocated by such excessive attention.

If you think your relationship is caught in this cycle, consider the following:

If you are the distancer, try to come up with activities that you and your partner can share and enjoy together to increase intimacy without overwhelm.
The pursuer in this relationship could consider how their partner prefers to receive love. Showing love the way the person wants to receive can make a huge difference.
Additionally, therapy can help you connect your relationship patterns to your upbringing, providing valuable insights about yourself and how you can work on your relationship.

#3. Fear/shame

The fear and shame power dynamic in relationships often originates from insecurities and emotional pain. It involves one partner experiencing fear or anxiety, which triggers shame or avoidant behavior in the other partner.

One example of this dynamic can be seen in couples that follow gendered scripts very closely in relationships, whereby the man provides and protects the relationship financially and the woman nurtures and serves the man.

Here, the husband's fear of not being able to provide for the wife can lead to exercising control over all financial expenditures. The wife's fear of deprivation might prompts excessive spending and complaining, and the male partner can feel shame for not meeting societal expectations. This perpetuates a cycle of negative interactions in the relationship.

Here are three things you can try to change this dynamic:

Build trust: A study suggests that you can build trust by developing intimacy (such as by sharing personal information, experiences, and emotions) and having frequent honest communication with your partner. Fear and shame fester in relationships where things are often left unsaid or are assumed.
Be vulnerable: A study suggests that when one partner expresses emotional vulnerability and the other partner responds with a highly supportive communication style, it leads to improvements in forgiveness, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction.