3 Ways To Tell If You're A 'Conversational Narcissist'

Do you struggle to let others get a word in? Here's how to tell if you're a 'conversational narcissist.'

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 19, 2024

A conversational narcissist is someone who constantly turns the conversation back to themselves, monopolizing the discussion and disregarding the thoughts, feelings or interests of others. Although they are not true narcissists, they can still pose challenges when interacting with others.

They dominate conversations with their stories, opinions and experiences, making others feel undervalued or ignored. This behavior includes interrupting, boasting, redirecting topics, using exaggerated body language, speaking loudly and showing little interest in others.

Consequently, these individuals are often seen as less socially attractive, meaning they are less likely to be liked or appreciated by others in social settings.

Here are three signs to help identify whether you or someone you know might be a conversational narcissist.

1. Making It All About Them

Conversational narcissists often maximize the amount of time they talk about themselves. Frequently interrupting or disregarding others. They may ask questions not out of genuine interest but as a way to redirect the conversation back to their own experiences.

Imagine Jane. During a team meeting at work, she continuously dominates the conversation by talking at length about her recent projects, ideas and successes. Even when the agenda moves on to other topics, she finds ways to bring the focus back to herself, often interrupting others or disregarding their input. Her self-centered approach to conversation makes others feel undervalued and ignored, resulting in a one-sided monologue that leads to frustration and disengagement from other participants.

Conversational narcissists like Jane frequently boast about their success and achievements, which can come across as arrogant and self-centered. They may seek validation and admiration from others, but the constant self-promotion can disrupt the balance of conversation and strain relationships with those around them.

2. Lack Of Engagement With Others

Conversational narcissists often show disengagement with others by failing to ask questions about others' lives, thoughts or opinions. They may act bored or uninterested when the conversation is not centered on them.

For instance, when Jane texts her friend Susan, she might start with a polite "How are you?" but quickly shifts to ranting about her boyfriend's recent antics or how her other friends ditched her, without waiting for her friend's response. She goes on and on, not giving her friend a chance to share. When Susan tries to get a word in about her own day, Jane ignores her and continues her monologue. Eventually, when Susan does get a chance to speak, Jane is already bored, ends the conversation abruptly, and promises to call again, showing no genuine interest in Susan's life.

A 2010 study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that when adolescents shifted the focus of a conversation to themselves, especially when they were supposed to be helping their friends, it resulted in lower-quality friendships. If one wants to have fulfilling friendships that bring out the best in them, it's best to pass the steering wheel of conversation to their friend every now and then. It not only ensures balanced conversation, but also unlocks newer nuances and opportunities for connection.

3. Trying To Relate Becomes Self-Centered

Conversational narcissists frequently interrupt conversations to insert their opinions or share relatable experiences, mistakenly believing they are connecting with others. While sharing experiences has a lot of social value, this behavior often backfires when done habitually or at inappropriate times.

For instance, at a funeral, if someone is grieving, Jane might say, "I totally get what you are going through; something similar happened to me back when... I was completely distraught…." and she goes on for quite a while. This can be very disheartening for the grieving person, as it shifts the focus away from their loss and onto Jane's experience.

Similarly, at an event where someone has achieved something significant, Jane might say, "Oh, I know how it feels—incredible, isn't it? When I won this award, I felt out of this world too," and keep diverting the attention of the gathering to her past glory. This makes the event about her and overshadows the other person's achievement, diminishing their moment of recognition.

Instead of listening to what others are saying or considering whether their input adds value or insight to the discussion, they focus on making themselves the center of attention.

Recognizing And Addressing Conversational Narcissism

Many people may unknowingly act as conversational narcissists due to insecurity and low self-esteem, social anxiety or poor social skills, ADHD tendencies or actual narcissistic traits that lead them to seek validation and dominate conversations.

Whatever the reason, if you think you might be a conversational narcissist, self-reflection is the first step when addressing the issue. Here are some ways to improve your conversational skills:

• Practice active listening. Focus on genuinely hearing what the other person is saying. Active listening involves making eye contact, nodding, avoiding interruptions, reflecting on what the speaker says, asking open-ended questions and avoiding judgments. Focus entirely on the speaker and provide constructive feedback.
• Be on the lookout if someone else is trying to speak. Focus on non-verbal cues to see if someone else is trying to contribute to the conversation as you are talking. Look for signals like raised hands, leaning forward, taking a breath or opening their mouth. These cues indicate they want to contribute.
• Ask relevant questions. Engage the other person by asking questions that are directly related to the topic at hand. This shows genuine interest in their thoughts and experiences, encourages deeper conversation and demonstrates that you are actively listening.
• Give your opinion in relevant moments. Share your perspective only when it adds value to the conversation, or when you are asked to contribute directly. Ensure your input is pertinent to the current topic and considerate of others' viewpoints. Avoid interrupting or steering the discussion back to yourself unnecessarily. Thoughtful contributions can enrich the conversation and show respect for others' ideas.

Understanding these factors can help address conversational narcissism positively. Allowing for more constructive conversations, where other individuals also feel heard and understood.

Think you might be showing narcissistic traits? Take this test for a science-backed answer: Narcissism Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.