2 Reasons Why You Should Skip The 'Talking Stage'

Although the 'talking stage' is comfortable, it might hinder the possibility of your relationship progressing any further. Here's why, according to psychological research.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 07, 2024

You've met someone new, and things are going well. You text all day, maybe even talk on the phone at night, but when friends ask about your relationship status, your answer is, "oh, we're just talking." Sound familiar?

The "talking stage" has become a common phase in modern dating, where two people are getting to know each other but haven't made any formal commitment. It's that in-between space—more than acquaintances, but not quite a couple. While this stage can feel exciting and low-pressure, it can also be frustratingly vague.

Here are two reasons why talking stages can keep you trapped in the same place with a potential partner, without making any relationship progress.

1. Talking Stages Can Be Used To Avoid Deeper Intimacy

One of the biggest disadvantages of the talking stage is that it can become a defense mechanism to evade deeper intimacy. For many people, it offers a convenient buffer zone, allowing them to test the waters without exposing their true feelings or risking rejection.

A study published this September in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy suggests that some young adults view the talking stage as a form of "pre-dating," where they can explore their feelings without the pressure of commitment.

"I think people are confused. Someone wants more than the other, but they don't want to put a definite label and then have too much pressure," one participant suggests. By avoiding definitive labels or clear commitments, they can sidestep the vulnerability that comes with making their feelings known.

"It's a fear of rejection for a lot of people; it's like they don't want to just go up to that person and be like 'hey do you want to go out on a date?' 'cause they're afraid they're going to say no," another participant explains.

This fear of rejection often keeps individuals from having necessary conversations about where the relationship is headed. It also means that many potential relationships fizzle out without either person truly understanding why. Without addressing the fears that keep them from moving forward, people can find themselves stuck in the talking phase indefinitely.

Hinge's D.A.T.E report this year found that 95% of its users are afraid of rejection and 57% of Gen Z Hinge daters hold back from expressing their feelings for someone because they worry it would be a "turn-off."However, avoiding "the talk" only prolongs uncertainty and emotional confusion.

"It makes you feel like you're cheating, but you're not in a relationship, which is kinda weird," one participant explains, highlighting the confusion that can arise from still being interested in other people while you're in a talking stage with someone. This creates an emotional limbo, where expectations are fuzzy, and commitment is unclear.

Many individuals also avoid defining the relationship and expressing their needs to the other person when they aren't sure about their own feelings or fear that their partner might not be ready for commitment. Without clarity and open communication, a potential relationship rarely progresses beyond surface-level interactions.

"I had to initiate the 'what are we' conversation more than just once. My partner and I both had pasts that made us hesitant to make things official. It doesn't have to be a do-or-die scary conversation but rather a check-in to see what you both want. I think there's a lot of gray area in casual dating, and after a certain amount of time, too much confusion and lack of direction can sink a relationship," says Hinge dater Khai Bellamy.

"It is SO NECESSARY to have the 'what are we' convo to gauge where you are with the other person, so no one feels like they're wasting their time. Closed mouths don't get fed. You never know how good things will turn out if you just settle for a state of uncertainty," adds Hinge dater Isaiah Xavier.

2. You Risk Missing Out On A Great Connection

Another common reason for remaining in this phase is the fear of closing off other options. Emerging adults often feel pressure to "keep their options open," especially in a world where dating apps provide a seemingly endless supply of potential matches.

"I think a lot of people are scared to commit. They want to see what else is out there andnot just settle for something, and so if they're 'just talking' then it's like they still have other options," another participant of the "talking stage" study explains. The allure of other possibilities can prevent them from investing fully in a single connection, leaving the relationship stuck in neutral.

Research also shows that having too large a dating pool to choose from can cause a "choice overload," which leads to less satisfying partner choices and a higher likelihood of wanting to choose someone else later.

Additionally, the person you're speaking to may lose interest or feel taken for granted if you're willing to simply "coast" in the relationship and they aren't.

"Conflicting motives for entering into a 'just talking' relationship may cause pain and frustration for 'just talking' partners who want a more concrete path forward than those who are using just talking as a safe alternative to a more defined relationship," the researchers explain.

As the talking stage drags on, the emotional toll can grow. While it can be an exciting time of exploration, it shouldn't become permanent. To truly experience the joy and depth of a loving relationship, both partners need to be willing to move past this phase into something more real. The true lesson here is that uncertainty may feel safer, but commitment offers the opportunity to build a deeper, more fulfilling connection—one that's well worth the risk.

Is a fear of intimacy keeping you from solidifying your romantic connections? Take this test to learn more: Fear of Intimacy Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.