Even the most connected couples can find themselves caught in the same loop of defensiveness or misunderstanding after an argument. The truth is, most relationships don’t end or grow distant because of the occurrence of conflicts. Relationships falter because of how conflicts are handled, or when they’re left unresolved. In this sense, it’s the approach that partners take to resolving their disagreements that determines whether they’ll drift apart or grow closer.

Conflicts met with blame, withdrawal or avoidance accumulate over time, since their tension isn’t resolved in the moment. So, in addition to any negative feelings either partner might have about the fight, they will also feel distant or resentful toward each other. This is how poor conflict resolution puts a relationship on the fast track toward emotional burnout.

When this becomes a recurring pattern, couples might give up fighting altogether, assuming they already know what the other person will say or the way they will react. They preemptively shut down communication before the conversation even begins. Misunderstandings, therefore, start to fester when assumptions replace curiosity. As a result, the relationship becomes defined more by avoidance than connection.

Here are two simple mental shifts that can help you approach conflict in a more balanced way.

1. Mental Contrasting For Realistic Fight Resolution

When conflicts arise in any relationship, it can be quite easy to fall into the trap of pessimism. You might struggle to imagine any solutions because you’ve lost hope of there being a chance for repair. It’s not uncommon for people to fixate on what their partner said wrong, or to convince themselves that “nothing will ever change.”

And every time you sit down to reflect on the argument without shifting your perspective, you reinforce this cycle.

It may surprise you to know that the other end of the spectrum, idealistic optimism, also keeps you stuck. When you imagine that things will magically fall into place without actually addressing the real issue, it delays the actual repair indefinitely. You might convince yourself that time alone will heal things or that your partner will “just understand.” But without active effort toward change, resentment can still build beneath the surface.

Neither resignation nor blind hope bring real change as coping mechanisms because, ultimately, they are both rooted in inaction.

This is where a powerful psychological strategy called “mental contrasting” comes in, which is simply about balancing your hope with reality. All you have to do is find a middle ground between two extremes. Instead of only imagining how you want things to be, you also take an honest look at what’s standing in the way: the obstacles both outside and within yourself.

A 2024 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships explored how mental contrasting can impact the way couples handle conflicts. The researchers studied this across two experiments. They examined whether the technique could help partners engage more effectively in resolving disagreements.

The first study involved 274 participants from generally satisfied relationships. These were those couples who actually practiced mental contrasting, rather than simply indulging in positive fantasies about resolution. These couples showed greater improvement in resolving solvable conflicts over a two-week period. However, this effect did not hold in more severe conflicts.

The second study included 270 participants from less satisfied relationships. For these couples, mental contrasting increased their mental engagement with highly important and more difficult conflicts, even if those issues weren’t easily resolved.

The general conclusion from both studies was that mental contrasting can help couples escape emotional paralysis by helping create more clarity and constructive engagement. This is especially effective when a conflict feels manageable. But even for deeper or chronic issues, it may still help by prompting partners to reflect actively and approach the conflict with greater emotional awareness.

Consider, for instance, that you are arguing with your partner about household responsibilities. One of you might feel overwhelmed and resentful, while the other assumes everything is fine.

Using mental contrasting, the overwhelmed partner can visualize a calm and fair discussion where responsibilities are shared equitably. This can create a composed foundation for both partners to acknowledge what the issue at hand is, as well as how it can be solved.

The discussion may not be perfect, but there is a good chance that it could lead to understanding, rather than escalating tension. This is a small step that, when repeated over time, can build healthier communication patterns and strengthen the relationship.

2. Cultivating More Humility

Humility is simply about being willing to see a situation from your partner’s perspective and, most importantly, being able to admit that you don’t have all the answers.

In heated arguments and conflicts, a humble mindset can prevent things from escalating. Instead of insisting on being “right” or proving your point, humility helps open space for understanding and collaborative problem-solving.

Importantly, you do not have to suppress your feelings in order to be humble. The idea is to recognize that your perspective is but one of many, and that compromise or new insight is always possible.

In a 2025 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, researchers examined individuals’ intellectual humility — the recognition that your own beliefs and perspectives might be wrong — and its role in how couples manage conflicts.

They studied 74 heterosexual couples, with an average age of 32, and measured several factors. These were:

• Each partner’s level of intellectual humility

• Relationship quality

• How well partners got along

• Behaviors during arguments (both self-reported and partner-reported)

• Perceptions of their partner’s motives during conflicts

The findings showed that partners that had relatively high levels of intellectual humility generally fared better in some aspects of relationship functioning.

These benefits can be seen in various parts of a relationship. Imagine, for example, that you and your partner are arguing about how much time each of you spends on work versus the relationship. There are chances, in such an argument, that one of you feels neglected and expresses frustration, while the other feels criticized and defensive.

However, a partner practicing humility is likely to pause and think, “I can see why they feel that way, even if I don’t fully agree. Maybe I’ve overlooked something.”

What changes here is that, instead of immediately defending or focusing on being the right one, there is acknowledgement of the other partner’s perspective. You (or your partner) might simply respond calmly by saying something like, “I understand that you feel I’ve been distant. I’ve been stressed at work, but I want to find a way to balance things better.”

Both partners feel heard this way, and misunderstandings are immediately clarified. Moreover, you can work together toward a practical solution. Over time, this pattern not only helps resolve individual conflicts more effectively, but also strengthens trust and cooperation in the relationship.

During conflicts, how open are you to seeing things differently when your beliefs are challenged? Take this science-backed test to find out: Comprehensive Intellectual Humility Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes, here.