Here's Why People Choose To Break Certain Friendships

Psychologist Meneloas Apostolou discusses the circumstances that lead to the breakdown of platonic bonds.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 16, 2023

A new study published in Personality and Individual Differences explores how and why we choose to end friendships that no longer make us happy.

I recently spoke to Psychologist Meneloas Apostolou of the University of Nicosia in Cyprus to understand why friendships form and may eventually dissolve. Here is a summary of our conversation.

Terminating an undesired friendship is an unexplored area of research but an extremely important moment for anyone going through it. What prompted you to go in this direction of research?

Having a good network of friends is crucial for leading a happy and fulfilling life, a fact that motivated me to research the phenomenon of friendship. One aspect of this phenomenon is the termination of a friendship.

Yet, the termination of a friendship may lead people to a better network of friends. In particular, the network of friends people can have is limited, so by terminating friendships with individuals who are not good friends, people release space in their network for individuals who could be good friends.

Could you give us a brief overview of why people choose to terminate friendships in the first place?

In general, people want friends who are supportive, have good traits such as humor, are similar to them, provide social input, and are available. People may come to realize that their friends do not satisfy these criteria, which would motivate them to end their friendship with them.

Can you briefly explain the different strategies people use to end friendships that they no longer desire?

The two main strategies we have identified are:

Gradual termination, where people would start to gradually distance themselves from undesirable friends until the friendship fades out
Immediate termination where, when people realize that a friendship is not good for them, they would immediately stop any contact with the undesirable friend.

What was the methodology of your study? What do you think was your most critical finding?

We employed a two-step method: initially, we employed open-ended questionnaires, asking participants to indicate the various acts that they have used to terminate an undesirable friendship.

With this procedure, we identified 43 different acts and we put them in a close-ended questionnaire, asking a different sample of participants to rate how willing they were to use them in order to terminate an undesirable friendship.

Using statistical analysis, we identified seven sub-strategies and at least two main strategies for terminating a friendship.

Why do you think people prefer to use the gradual termination strategy over immediate termination? Are there situations that warrant an immediate termination?

In general, people seem to prefer to use the gradual termination. One possible reason is that this strategy is less likely to create bad feelings and retaliation that come from them.

Yet, the choice of a strategy would depend on various factors such as one's personality or the situation. For instance, if your friend sleeps with your girlfriend, you will probably go for the immediate termination strategy.

What are some practical takeaways from your research findings? Do you have any advice for people who struggle to end friendships that no longer make them happy?

I acknowledge that the demands of the modern world are high, while there is too much emphasis on obtaining material goods. Yet, people should not neglect having a good network of friends, as it could lead to a much higher emotional well-being than having let's say a bigger house or a more expensive car.

Doing so, it is not always easy, and it may require considerable effort. Part of this effort is to be able to make friendships that suit you, which involves terminating friendships that do not suit you.

I would also say that it is not a good idea to rush to terminate a friendship if something goes wrong. Instead, it is better to spend some time assessing a friendship, give second chances, try to place yourself in the other person's shoes, and consider if you have behaved properly toward your friend.