You Know Your Love Language, But Do You Know Your 'Anger Language'?

Speak when you're angry, and it'll be the best speech you'll ever regret. Here's five ways that anger can manifest in our conversations.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | 04 March, 2024

Anger is often described as a secondary response to underlying feelings, serving as a defense mechanism to shield ourselves from or conceal more vulnerable emotions such as hurt or fear.

Anger, therefore, communicates unmet needs, violated boundaries or unresolved conflicts—but its expression varies, leading to the emergence of different "anger languages." These languages can stem from external triggers or internal processes like past experiences or learned behaviors.

Whether it emerges as a primary emotion or a secondary response, anger can have detrimental impact on relationships, ranging from emotional distancing to outright conflict. Understanding these nuances is imperative for nurturing relational harmony and healthy relationships. Here are five commonly identified anger languages.

1. Righteous Anger

Rooted in moral superiority, individuals speaking this language often assert the sentiment—"I'm right, you're wrong." This form of anger tends to escalate conflicts by dismissing opposing perspectives. It reinforces entrenched beliefs and widens the chasm between conflicting parties. Moreover, righteous anger often masks deeper insecurities or fears, serving as a shield against vulnerability.

A study suggests that individuals may use negative emotions, like righteous anger, to enhance their self-perception, particularly concerning moral traits. When individuals experience righteous anger in response to perceived injustices, they may maintain that anger because it aligns with their self-image as morally upright individuals. This may enhance their self-esteem and self-perception in moral domains.

In romantic relationships, the strategic use of negative emotions, like righteous anger, can significantly impact the dynamics between partners. For example, individuals may use this anger language to assert moral superiority or justify their actions, leading to conflicts marked by defensiveness and resentment. This pattern can erode trust, intimacy and mutual understanding, creating a toxic cycle of blame and hostility. Moreover, strategic use of negative emotions and maintaining righteous anger may make it difficult to resolve conflicts and cultivate relational harmony.

2. Indignation

Indignation is characterized by expressions of disbelief and victimhood, serving as a way to deflect blame and shift responsibility onto the perceived wrongdoer. By victimizing oneself, individuals might seek validation and sympathy while implicitly accusing the other party of wrongdoing, hindering constructive dialogue and conflict resolution.

In relationships, the use of indignation can be particularly damaging, as it undermines accountability. When one partner consistently portrays themselves as the victim, it creates an imbalance of power dynamics and perpetuates a pattern of blame-shifting. This defensive stance makes one prioritize self-preservation over mutual growth and reconciliation. Recognizing the underlying insecurities and fears driving indignation is essential in fostering open communication and resolving conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner.

3. Retribution

Retribution is characterized by a desire for revenge, embodying the "an eye for an eye" mentality. Retribution seekers aim to redress perceived injustices by inflicting proportional harm or punishment on the offending party.

Retribution can become a self-perpetuating cycle, where each act of retaliation breeds further hostility and animosity. This escalation not only deepens the divide between individuals but also impedes the possibility of genuine reconciliation and resolution. The pursuit of retribution often blinds individuals to the importance of keeping the relationship alive through empathy and forgiveness, as they become consumed by the need for vengeance.

People may end up saying problematic things or taking actions that they cannot take back, undermining the health and longevity of their relationship. Breaking free from this cycle requires a willingness to let go of grievances and embrace temperance and compassion as pathways to healing and reconciliation.

4. Distraction

Distraction is employed as a means of deflection and avoidance, diverting attention from one's own shortcomings or culpability by bringing up past grievances or transgressions of the other party. It's like trying to change the subject when you don't want to talk about something.

By shifting the focus onto unrelated issues, individuals evade accountability and sidestep uncomfortable truths.

Distraction, then, becomes a defense mechanism, allowing them to maintain a façade of righteousness while deflecting scrutiny away from their behavior.

However, according to research, this avoidance only perpetuates the cycle of conflict, as unresolved issues continue to fester beneath the surface. By refusing to engage in meaningful dialogue and address underlying concerns, distractors sabotage the potential for growth and healing within the relationship. Breaking free from this pattern requires a willingness to tackle the discomfort head-on and engage in open, honest communication.

5. Justification

Justification rationalizes anger as the "right" response to perceived wrongdoing, rooted in notions of deservedness and cosmic justice. By invoking concepts like karma or divine retribution, individuals employing this language absolve themselves of responsibility while casting judgment upon the other party. They cling to their grievances and refuse to seek common ground.

Moreover, the reliance on justification can breed a sense of entitlement, where individuals feel entitled to express their anger without considering its impact on others. This reinforces a self-centered perspective, where the individual's emotions take precedence over the well-being of the relationship. Consequently, the pursuit of justice becomes prioritized over the preservation of harmony and mutual respect.

The problem with this fight language is that what starts as a fight for fairness turns into a fight to emerge "victorious" under any circumstances. Therefore, the only antidote to it is to view the conflict not only from your perspective but also your partner's and uphold the spirit of forgiveness. This will ensure that you will never approach a difficult situation with a "you against me" attitude, but an "us against the issue" attitude.

Unsure if anger is negatively impacting your relationship? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale to learn more.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.