What Drives Our 'Romantic Obsessions'? Psychological Research Explains

There's a fine line between love and obsession. Here's two reasons why people love to love–sometimes, a little too much.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 21, 2024

Have you ever dealt with a partner who always seemed to take things to the extreme? Whether they showered you with excessive affection or over-the-top gestures, engaged in concerning levels of possessiveness or put you on too high a pedestal, their behavior might have left you wondering what was behind it all.

Romantic obsession in a relationship, which manifests in such behaviors, is characterized by an intense and overwhelming preoccupation with one's partner that can include:

Idealization. This refers to an exaggerated perception of a partner's positive qualities while any flaws are ignored or dismissed.
Mental preoccupation. A romantically obsessed individual constantly thinks about their partner to an extent that interferes with daily activities and responsibilities.
Reassurance-seeking. This refers to a persistent need for reassurance and affirmation of a partner's love and commitment and fearing any signs of rejection or emotional distance.
Excessive communication. Communication is frequent and may border on intrusive. Constant calling or messaging can be used as a way to maintain a sense of connection and control over the relationship.
Self-isolation. Romantic obsession can lead to withdrawing from friends, family and social activities while prioritizing one's romantic interest above all other relationships and areas of life.
Romantic jealousy. This refers to excessive jealousy, possessiveness, attempts to control a partner's interactions with others or expressing discomfort when they engage in independent activities.
Inability to accept separation. If the relationship ends or faces challenges, a romantically obsessed individual may struggle to accept this reality, engage in persistent efforts to win back their partner or refuse to acknowledge the finality of the breakup.

Here are two reasons why people succumb to romantic obsession, according to research.

1. The Need To Feel Significant

A 2023 study published in the journal Personal Relationships found that the need for significance is a driving force for obsessive behavior in relationships. This need reflects an individual's desire to feel important, valued and recognized and is associated with the fundamental human need for social connection and belonging. People seek significance as a means of establishing their identity, gaining a sense of purpose and feeling accepted by others.

Research suggests that when one experiences a loss of personal significance in any area of their life, such as instances of humiliation or social exclusion, they become motivated to regain this sense of "mattering," sometimes by any means necessary. This can lead to developing an obsessive passion towards one's partner, where an individual channels all their effort into their relationship, often neglecting every other area of their lives.

"Love offers at least three different ways to gain social significance. First, being loved by a romantic partner makes one feel worthy of attention and affection. Second, furnishing love to a romantic partner is likely to enhance one's importance to that person, thus resulting in their reciprocation of love and appreciation Lastly, having a romantic relationship is a major life goal for most people, since having a romantic partner responds to specific and important cultural standards," the researchers explain.

Researchers found that such romantic obsession can make individuals seek excessive control and engage in extreme behaviors to maintain the relationship, which has become their only source of significance, often resulting in needless self-sacrifice, which is harmful to the individual, as well as "obsessive relational intrusion," which is harmful for their partner. This involves intrusive, unwanted behaviors such as repeated unwanted contact, gifts or gestures, manipulative tactics to gain sympathy or even online harassment and stalking.

2. The Fear Of Abandonment

A 2021 study published in the Journal of Personality found that the fear of abandonment is another trigger for romantic obsession. This is a deep-seated fear of being deserted, rejected or left alone by significant others that often stems from early life experiences, particularly during childhood, where individuals may have experienced inconsistent caregiving, neglect or loss.

The loss of significant adult relationships can also intensify the fear of abandonment and shape an individual's beliefs about their own worth, creating a heightened sensitivity to perceived threats of abandonment in future relationships. Individuals may also unconsciously strive to meet unfulfilled childhood needs through their adult relationships and research shows that obsessive forms of passion are used to compensate for these needs.

Additionally, researchers of the 2021 study found that obsessive passion is associated with the fear of abandonment, leading to obsessive relational intrusion. Obsessive passion is also associated with destructive behavior during relationship conflicts and a lower likelihood of engaging in helpful, reparative behaviors afterwards.

So, while seeking nourishing connections is essential, attempting to do so through control and extremism is damaging and ineffective, placing undue pressure on a relationship. True admiration and support in relationships cannot involve invasive, controlling or highly self-sacrificing behavior. Instead, building self-awareness and deriving self-worth from a variety of sources, especially from within, fosters more balanced and fulfilling relationships.

For individuals on the receiving end of romantic obsession, personal safety is paramount and seeking legal assistance, involving law enforcement or cutting off contact with obsessive partners may be necessary. Importantly, consulting mental health professionals and building a strong support system can be essential in healing from and navigating the complexities of an obsessive romantic dynamic.

Having an obsessive partner can compromise your sense of control. Take this test to determine whether your relationship is empowering or stifling: Relationship Control Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.