The True Measure Of Compatibility In A Romantic Relationship

If you think interests and hobbies are where compatibility is most important in a relationship, you'd be mistaken.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 30, 2024

When you think of what a "compatible partner" looks like, what kind of person do you envision? Maybe you see someone who shares your sense of style, or perhaps someone who appreciates your great sense of humor. You might be drawn to people with similar interests and hobbies, or those who communicate in a way that resonates with you. While these characteristics certainly play a part in compatibility, are they the hallmarks of a partner who will truly complement you in a romantic relationship?

According to a 2024 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, these factors, while important, are not where compatibility is most crucial. Rather, the researchers suggest that personal values—our guiding principles in life—are the foundation where true compatibility lies. And among these, one value stands out in particular: self-transcendence.

Here's why this moral principle contributes so greatly to the quality of our relationships and why it's crucial for partners to share it.

The Role of Self-Transcendence Values in Relationships

The study found that the endorsement of self-transcendence values—that is, values that motivate us to act for the benefit of others and see beyond our own needs—was strongly and consistently associated with enhanced romantic relationship quality. At its core, self-transcendence comprises two major principles:

• Universalism. This includes values like concern for others, respect for nature and tolerance for differences. People who prioritize universalism care deeply about the well-being of society as a whole and the environment. In a romantic relationship, this might manifest as a shared concern for social issues, a commitment to sustainability or a deep respect for each other's perspectives and backgrounds.
• Benevolence. This reflects values such as dependability, caring and humility—which focus on benefiting those in our immediate environment, such as family, friends and romantic partners. In a romantic relationship, benevolence might look like putting your partner's needs before your own, offering emotional support during tough times and making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship.

Combined, self-transcendence values manifest in relationships as support, inclusion and deep empathy for one another. When both partners are committed to these values, they are more likely to view conflicts not as battles to be won, but rather as opportunities to grow together—side by side.

However, when these values are not shared, it can lead to significant disjunctions. One partner may feel unsupported or misunderstood if the other lacks the empathy or willingness to see things from their perspective. Over time, these small mismatches can amass into a larger, fundamental sense of disconnection.

Why Entitlement Is a Relationship-Killer

The researchers found that personal values often have dichotomous counterparts—much like yin and yang. In the case of self-transcendence, its darker counterpart is self-enhancement. As its name suggests, self-enhancement values are centered on personal achievement and power, making them the antithesis of self-transcendence.

Unsurprisingly, the study found that self-enhancement had negligible effects on relationship quality. While self-transcendence enhances the relationship, self-enhancement serves it weakly—offering no tangible or beneficial impact.

You might think it's harmless to value personal pursuits or ambitions more than your partner does. But even though self-enhancement has a neutral effect on relationship quality, it's important not to overlook the fact that self-transcendence has a palpable, positive effect. Recognizing where your values lie is crucial—as the absence of self-transcendence can lead to subtle but significant challenges in the relationship.

Why Partners Must Share Their Value of Self-Transcendence

Imagine this: Your partner is really keen on spending the weekend with you, doing something fun that you'd both enjoy. On the other hand, you're more interested in spending the weekend working on a personal project. Despite your differing desires, you might both find yourselves thinking the same thing: "How could they be so selfish? Why can't they see my perspective?"

You might argue that your partner is the selfish one for ignoring your need to focus on something you find valuable. Conversely, your partner might see you as the selfish one for dismissing their desire for quality time and enjoyment.

As the study's authors note, "When people struggle with their romantic relationships, it is easy to find fault with their partner. In our humbler moments, we might also recognize contributions from our own traits and habits. But what about the potential impact of our own cherished personal values?"

In a situation like this, no matter how compatible you are in other areas, you might still reach an impasse. Even if both of you are emotionally intelligent and capable of discussing your differences calmly and effectively, the conflict won't necessarily be resolved. The problem isn't one of emotional disconnection, or mismatched interests; it's that your values are at odds.

Here, the difference between self-transcendence and self-enhancement comes to the forefront. One partner is more focused on the collective well-being and the relationship itself, while the other may be more concerned with individual achievements and personal goals.

If both partners valued self-transcendence, they might approach the situation differently—one might compromise by finding their own personal project to work on alongside the other. Or the other might sacrifice a day of the weekend to spend with their partner, and leave their project for the next day. Instead of seeing the issue as a matter of selfishness, they recognize the importance of one another's values; they transcend their own point of view to take other's into account.

To value self-transcendence is to value the well-being of your partner, and, by extension, the well-being of your relationship. This means understanding that small sacrifices and compromises will have far greater long-term benefits than simply satisfying your immediate desires. If only one of you—or neither—sees the value in this approach, then you may not be as compatible as you initially thought. The true strength of a romantic relationship may not depend on superficial compatibilities that wax and wane over time, but on the deeper alignment of personal values.

Do you have the ability to transcend your own point of view in your relationship? Take this test, and receive science backed answers: Relationship Control Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.