3 Reasons Why Female Friendships Are So Resilient

Women opt for 'tend and befriend' instead of 'fight or flight.' Here's how it makes their friendships stronger.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 27, 2024

Female friendships are a unique and powerful force in our lives, marked by their distinctiveness and longevity. What makes these bonds so special? The answer lies in a concept known as the "tend and befriend" mechanism.

Proposed by Shelley Taylor and team, this theory suggests that due to different parental roles, females have evolved stress responses centered on nurturing (tending) and forming social alliances (befriending) to enhance survival. These behaviors not only protect offspring, and others around them, but also reduce stress-related health risks.

Unlike the more confrontational or isolating fight-or-flight response, the tend and befriend approach promotes unity and collective strength. Instead of withdrawing or engaging in conflict, women lean into their relationships, using care and compassion to navigate challenges. This proactive, supportive approach not only alleviates immediate stress but also strengthens the emotional bonds between friends, making the relationship more resilient and enduring.

Here are three ways the "tend and befriend" mechanism forms the cornerstone of female friendships, giving them a depth and resilience that other relationships may lack.

1. It Nurtures Bonds Through Emotional Embrace

At the core of the "tend and befriend" mechanism is an inherent inclination towards nurturing. When faced with stress or challenges, women naturally seek and provide emotional support, which is fundamental to the strength and endurance of their relationships.

In female friendships, this nurturing instinct creates a supportive environment where emotional vulnerability is welcomed and valued. Friends feel safe sharing their deepest fears and concerns, knowing they will receive empathy and understanding rather than judgment. This safe space is key to maintaining strong connections, encouraging honest communication and mutual support.

Additionally, what sets female friendships apart is their unique give-and-take dynamic. When one friend faces difficulties, others naturally step in with comfort and support. This ongoing exchange of care not only strengthens the relationship's foundation but also enhances its resilience against stress and adversity.

2. It Boosts Bonds Using The Power Of Oxytocin

Oxytocin, often called the "love hormone," plays a crucial role in enhancing female friendships and reinforcing the "tend and befriend" response. Far from being just a chemical mediator, oxytocin provides the biological foundation for the deep, enduring connections that characterize these relationships.

Released during social interactions, particularly in nurturing contexts, oxytocin fosters trust and bonding. Research shows that oxytocin not only helps individuals learn from and follow trusted people but also amplifies the tendencies to nurture and support within friendships.

Therefore, this hormonal boost gives female friendships a unique advantage, making them more resilient and enduring. Unlike romantic relationships that might falter under stress, those rooted in the tend and befriend approach actually grow stronger as oxytocin deepens and sustains their bonds.

3. It Resolves Conflict With Compassion

In female friendships, the approach to resolving conflicts is yet another key factor that enhances the depth and durability of these relationships. Unlike more confrontational or detached methods, women often handle disputes with empathy and a focus on preserving the relationship.

Instead of prioritizing winning an argument or defending a position, women emphasize understanding and emotional connection. They actively listen to each other's perspectives, acknowledge feelings and seek common ground.

A 2019 review on empathy and compassion in social interactions shows that these qualities lead to more prosocial behavior and better reconciliation in both personal and group contexts. Empathy helps de-escalate tensions by addressing emotional undercurrents, fostering mutual respect and reinforcing commitment to the relationship.

This compassionate approach often results in solutions that benefit both parties, strengthening the friendship rather than causing it to fray. Essentially, the nurturing instincts that drive women to offer emotional support also guide their conflict resolution strategies. This seamless integration of empathy and care ensures that handling conflicts is not just a reaction but a fundamental part of their relational values.

Since women naturally excel at nurturing their relationships, here are three fun ways to specifically embrace the "tend and befriend" approach and further enhance your bonds:

1. Host a "gratitude gathering." Turn a casual get-together into a heartwarming celebration of appreciation. Gather with your friends and take turns sharing what you admire and value about each other. You might be surprised at how a simple act of expressing gratitude can uplift everyone's spirits. This activity transforms everyday interactions into meaningful moments of connection, reinforcing the supportive atmosphere of your friendships.
2. Plan a bonding adventure. Whether it's a spontaneous weekend getaway, a fun-filled cooking class or a hands-on community volunteer project, choose activities that encourage collaboration and shared experiences. These bonding adventures offer a break from routine while also building stronger emotional ties, as you work together and explore new horizons.
3. Implement a "compliments exchange." Infuse your interactions with positivity by starting a fun ritual. Set up a regular, playful exchange where you and your friends share heartfelt compliments or affirmations. This could be through a lively group chat, during weekly meet-ups, or even with handwritten notes that you exchange. This fun and uplifting practice helps keep the atmosphere around your friendships supportive and encouraging, ensuring that everyone feels valued and appreciated.

Emotional intelligence is the bedrock of solid friendships. Want to know how your emotional quotient stacks up? Take the Emotional Quotient Inventory for a science-backed answer.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.