The 6 Most Common Excuses And Justifications For Infidelity

Research reveals the various ways that cheaters give grounds for their behavior.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 21, 2024

Infidelity is one of the most soul-crushing ordeals to be on the receiving end of. It leaves us grappling with deep emotional pain, and haunted by questions like, "Why me?" and "Why would they do this?" Many people who have been betrayed find that they never get the closure they seek. While it's often impossible to understand every factor behind an affair, research can offer some clarity into the minds of those who cheat.

A 2014 study published in the International Journal of Humanities and Social Science by W. Craig Carter sheds light on the question "why?" Carter conducted in-depth surveys with 131 participants, collecting a total of 133 reasons for infidelity. These findings offer a glimpse into the mindsets of cheaters, revealing some of the most commonly endorsed excuses and justifications. Here are six of the most prevalent.

1. Defeasibility

Some participants in Carter's study excused their infidelity by claiming it was defeasible, meaning it was a mistake worth overlooking. Alcohol was frequently mentioned as a contributing factor to this mindset, suggesting that—in some cases—intoxication provided an easy cop-out for the affair.

One participant shared, "I always seemed to have a drink in my hand even though I never remembered actually getting myself one. I would always seem to end up drunk beyond recognition and in his room. I told him I got a boyfriend." Even though they had a partner, they still cheated, summing the affair up with, "Got drunk as usual." For these individuals, the affair was something that, in their eyes, was not entirely in their control.

Cheaters often use the excuse of alcohol or a lapse in judgment as a way to downplay the impact of their actions. Common phrases such as "It was only a one-time thing" or "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" emerge. While these words might offer some form of internal justification, for the partner who has been betrayed, the infidelity is often far from excusable—no matter the circumstances.

2. Biological Explanations

Perhaps more troubling was the tendency for some participants to cite biological needs or urges as the driving force behind their infidelity. This was the most commonly endorsed excuse, reported by 14 women and 27 men in the study. Many of these individuals attributed their actions to what they viewed as primal desires—ones their partners alone could not fulfill.

One male participant simply stated, "I see a beautiful sexy woman and I just have to have her." Another wildly declared, "We are just animals, and hot, crazy, passionate, dangerous sex is just part of our nature." Interestingly, Carter notes that several men in the study firmly believed that humans are not biologically built for monogamy—suggesting that their infidelity was a natural and inevitable expression of human nature.

For these cheaters, their betrayal was not seen as a conscious choice, but rather as an instinctual drive. However, while this reasoning may help them sleep at night, it's unlikely to provide much comfort to the partner left grappling with the emotional fallout of the affair.

3. Scapegoating

Scapegoating was another common tactic used by cheaters to deflect blame. According to the study, nine women and 27 men justified their infidelity by blaming external factors—most often their partners. In some cases, cheaters used the excuse that they were already being accused of infidelity, even when they initially weren't guilty.

One participant explained, "I never cheated in the beginning, but then it got to a point that she was constantly accusing me of doing it, and I really wasn't." He went on to say, "So, I said 'What the hell.' If I'm being accused, then I might as well have some fun with it."

Other cheaters went so far as to blame their partner's physical appearance or personality changes, suggesting that their partner's failure to "keep up" caused the affair. In all such cases, responsibility is conveniently shifted away from the cheater—placing the burden on the victim instead.

4. Denial Of Injury

While the first three categories are framed as excuses, the latter three are justifications for infidelity. The first of these is denial of injury—the belief that the affair didn't really hurt anyone. Interestingly, this justification was most frequently cited by women in the study.

Eight participants minimized their infidelity by claiming it wasn't "full blown" cheating, and therefore, wasn't as wrong. One participant said, "I have never been fully unfaithful," adding that their affair only involved "some heavy interaction, oral, but never full out sexual intercourse." Another participant excused their actions by saying, "I haven't cheated other than kissing other people."

Surprisingly, some individuals claimed that cheating actually helped them gain clarity on their feelings for their significant other. In their minds, these affairs were minor transgressions—hardly something worth ending a relationship over. Whether their partners felt the same way, however, is a different matter.

5. Denial of Victim

Another justification found in the study is denial of victim—a mindset where cheaters believe that their partners deserved to be cheated on—which was cited by eight women and two men. In these cases, participants felt that their partners' behavior or character flaws made them deserving of being cheated on.

One participant justified her affair by pointing to her husband's compulsive masturbation, which she said had affected their sex life: "After going through a year of dealing with someone with this condition that refused medication and was no longer the man I married, I started fooling around with the other guys at work."

In other instances, infidelity was seen as a form of revenge—which Carter referred to as or "condemning the condemner." For example, one participant said, "I cheated on him, but he cheated first," while another asked, "Women cheat all the time, so why shouldn't men be able to do it?" For these individuals, their infidelity wasn't a transgression; it was a justified response to being wronged.

6. Deserving Self-Fulfillment

The final justification, cited by 13 participants, was that their affairs were a form of deserving self-fulfillment. These cheaters believed that they were well within their rights to seek out these experiences and that doing so was necessary for their personal growth.

Mostly, participants expressed the desire to sow their wild oats before they lost the chance. One participant reflected, "My view is that you have to do things while you are young, because later in life you would regret it that you have not done something."

For these individuals, infidelity wasn't viewed as a betrayal of their relationship, but rather a step in their journey toward personal development. They saw their affairs as experiences that they deserved to have before it was "too late."

Do you view any of these justifications as admissible? Take this science-backed test, and find out whether you have a propensity towards infidelity: Propensity Towards Infidelity Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.