The 5 Different 'Fight Languages' That Emerge In Couples' Confrontations

Just like love languages, research shows that we have 'fight languages' too. Which one do you use?

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 23, 2024

Love languages have gained widespread recognition for enhancing intimacy and understanding between partners. Yet, it is equally vital to comprehend our "fight languages."

Fight languages can dictate our stances and emotional trajectories during disagreements, shaping how we process conflict, manage emotions and engage in discussions with our partners. Ignorance of these fight languages can lead to repeated miscommunication, unresolved conflicts, emotional distance and eventual relationship breakdown.

Understanding a partner's fight language acts as a roadmap for conflict resolution, providing insights into how individuals cope with disagreements. Here are five distinct fight languages, based on how you choose to express your viewpoint and emotions in a conflict.

1. Reflection-Action

This approach is embraced by individuals who prefer to navigate conflicts by processing them internally before engaging in discussions. Such introspective individuals exhibit a tendency to withdraw temporarily, using this time to reflect on their emotions and thoughts. While their exterior may appear composed, it is essential to recognize that this silence is not indicative of disinterest or avoidance but rather a purposeful pause for self-reflection.

A study published in the British Journal of Psychotherapy posits that silence is not merely a resistance expression but serves as a complement to words. However, the study cautions against retaliatory silence, emphasizing the potential pitfalls of responding to silence with one's own silence, which may be a defensive or punitive reaction. Additionally, the study also discourages premature interpretations of one's partner's silence without thorough consideration.

To transform uncomfortably quiet moments into opportunities for connection and mutual growth in your relationship:

• Exercise patience to allow room for internal dialogue to unfold
• Establish a safe environment for open dialogue and encourage your partner to share their reflections and feelings when they feel ready.

2. Deflection

Deflection is a strategy characterized by the inclination to redirect attention away from the central issue. Those employing this tactic may use humor, change the subject or attribute blame to external factors, all with the aim of avoiding the core conflict. Research indicates that disruptive jokes or inappropriate comments can undermine the harmony necessary for establishing a secure environment during conflicts. The act of sidetracking discussions can become confusing, creating a disconnection between partners.

The realization that one chooses to deflect in moments of conflict can help create an environment where honesty takes precedence over diversion, facilitating genuine dialogue and the resolution of underlying concerns. Understanding deflection is crucial for unraveling the root causes of conflict, steering clear of tangential discussions and promoting a more constructive approach to relationship challenges.

3. Suppression-Explosion

This fight language involves initially concealing one's emotions during a conflict behind a facade of calmness. But beneath this surface composure, emotions simmer and intensify over time, resulting in an eruption that catches both partners off guard.

Research underscores that attempting to suppress emotions not only fails to alleviate negative feelings in the long run but may contribute to an overall escalation of negative emotional experiences over time. Recognizing this pattern early on is crucial as it serves as a compass guiding couples through the tumultuous terrain of conflict navigation and resolution.

To address the initial suppression:

• Open up communication channels to prevent the build-up of unresolved issues that could manifest explosively later.
• Build a safe space for the gradual release of emotions to an atmosphere where both parties can express themselves without fear of judgment or escalation.

4. Aggressive Confrontation

This fight language is characterized by an assertive and sometimes aggressive approach to conflict resolution. Individuals who employ this language tend to take control of conversations, raising their voice or using dominating body language to impose their perspective. In the heat of disagreement, the dominating partner may unintentionally overshadow the voice of the other, leaving them feeling unheard or undervalued.

Recognizing and addressing this dominating fight language is essential for creating a harmonious environment where both partners feel equally heard and valued. Couples navigating this dynamic should focus on cultivating active listening skills and finding a balance in communication styles.

Encouraging assertiveness without dominance and fostering an atmosphere of mutual respect can transform conflicts into opportunities for collaboration rather than power struggles. Understanding the nuances of the dominating fight language can pave the way for a healthier and more equitable relationship dynamic.

5. Mediation

According to a study, common conflict responses include avoidance, accommodation, competition, compromise and collaboration. Combining compromise and collaboration as a problem-solving response can ensure that all participants feel their needs are met.

This aligns with the mediating fight language, where individuals exhibit a natural inclination toward finding common ground and fostering compromise during disagreements. They excel in seeking solutions that benefit everyone, navigating conflicting perspectives with negotiation skills.

Recognizing and valuing the mediating approach is crucial for establishing the groundwork for a collaborative problem-solving within the relationship. Rather than perceiving conflicts as zero-sum battles, partners embracing this fight language understand that compromise and understanding lead to stronger, more resilient bonds.

Free communication becomes the key to unlocking the potential of this knowledge. As couples openly engage in discussions and acknowledge the nuances of their respective fight languages, a foundation of trust and empathy is built. This, in turn, creates an environment where conflicts are not seen as threats but rather as opportunities for growth and strengthened connection.

Unsure if the tone of your disagreements is weighing down your relationship? Take the evidence-based Relationship Satisfaction Scale to learn more.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.