3 Techniques To Reignite The Sexual Spark In Your Marriage
A good sex life doesn't have to be boring. Here's how to revive the sense of excitement in a dead bedroom.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 23, 2024
Erotic passion wasn't always seen as a priority in marriages. Yet, research reveals that unresolved sexual frustrations can become a ticking time bomb, leading to infidelity and possibly even divorce—making erotic passion an essential point of discussion in modern marriages.
A 2019 study published in the International Journal of Preventive Medicine found that divorce rates are reaching as high as 70%. The three major causes reported are a lack of trust, commitment and communication as well as sensuality and sexuality.
Even though your relationship may have the first two elements, and it "almost" feels complete, if the third remains unexplored, you might be risking your relationship's overall level of satisfaction. If you feel like your sex life has gone stale, and you wish to shake off the monotony, consider following these three steps.
1. Choose Spontaneity Over Predictability
Intimacy and passion have a paradoxical relationship—while passion often requires uncertainty and mystery, intimacy is based on stability and predictability.
A study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy reveals that as partners become more familiar, sexual arousal and desire tend to decline. However, introducing novelty and experimentation can rekindle the "dying spark."
While emotional intimacy and familiarity can strengthen your long-term bond, great sex may demand a certain level of egoism—meaning that while your emotional bond may rest on the foundation of selfless giving, enhancing your sex life might entail sprinkling in conceit and self-service.
In the same vein, while love offers comfort, desire thrives on the allure of the unknown. A healthy marriage requires. This presents a challenge and an opportunity for modern-day couples to resolve and harness.
2. Tap Into The Excitement Of Power Play
Sex can be viewed as a game of power, with some individuals having a desire to dominant or submissive. While the term "power" has garnered a negative reputation, it can be used quite creatively in the bedroom to tap into one's authentic desires and communicate them assertively, a feat many still struggle with.
If you would describe your sex life as "vanilla," you could experiment with BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism), where power dynamics are a central component of sexual experiences. A 2023 study published in the Journal of Sexuality and Culture reveals that heterosexual men, regardless of their sexual identity, are more sexually fluid than women—indicating that sexual fantasies involving dominance and submission are more common than we think.
Individuals practicing BDSM report higher sexual satisfaction and fewer concerns about sexuality than the general population. Exploring new sexual avenues can lead to new discoveries about your relationship, which can be an exciting and rewarding pursuit.
3. Turn Private Sexual Fantasies Into Shared Experiences
Sexual fantasies are imagined sexual scenarios that fuel desire, sometimes employed as a clinical intervention for sexual dysfunction.
Research has found that sensuality, imagination and curiosity relate to high sexual satisfaction in secure relationships. Evidence also suggests that sexual fantasy and pornography are positively associated with newer and more memorable sexual experiences with your partner.
Porn works because it's selfish, and indulging in this self-centered act as a couple and within the confines of a loving relationship provides a taste of adventure grounded in psychological safety.
Additionally, a 2023 study published in the Journal of Sexual and Relationship Therapy indicates that couples who watch porn together have greater sexual desire and have sex more frequently than those who consume porn alone or avoid it altogether.
In fact, even just talking about your porn preferences can bring you closer together as a couple, as suggested by a study in the Journal of Sex Research.
That said, the first step to experimenting in the bedroom is ensuring consent and establishing effective communication with your partner. Passion is a mutual experience that relies on the enthusiastic willingness of both individuals involved.
Do you believe you possess a burning desire for adventure and a longing for the unknown? Find out by taking this test: Sensation Seeking Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.