A Therapist Explains What's Causing You To Shut Down During A Fight

Do you go into your shell when you sense an impending fight? Here are three reasons why.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | June 18, 2023

People often come to therapy frustrated with their inability to engage in arguments in a healthy manner. They may say things like:

  • "I never have the last word in any fight, even when it's obvious that I am right. Why can't I ever speak my mind when I'm arguing with someone?"
  • "Whenever I fight with someone, it's like my brain freezes and I can't even construct basic sentences, let alone come up with sound arguments. Why am I like this?"
  • "I avoid conflicts because my anger always leads to a breakdown and people never take me seriously. I hate that I can never stand up for myself without shedding tears."

Situations like these are more common than you think. A lot of people struggle to show up for themselves when the time comes to have a difficult conversation. It is worth exploring, nonetheless, where this complex comes from in you.

There can be multiple reasons, ranging from people-pleasing tendencies to trauma responses, informing your inability to put up a fair fight. Here are three possibilities.

#1. You are prone to emotional overwhelm

If the thought of getting into a fight gets your heart racing and your eyes tearing up, it is possible that emotional dysregulation is getting in your way when it comes to communicating effectively during a conflict.

Intense emotions, such as anger, frustration, or sadness, can become overpowering and make it challenging to engage constructively in the conversation. Shutting down may be an automatic defense mechanism to protect oneself from further emotional distress.

Trying to muscle your way through the emotional wave that hits you during conflict can prove to be ineffective, according to a study published in Practice Innovations. Emotional intensity can curb advanced cognitive functions in our brain, leading to an inability to form cogent arguments.

When emotions run high, it's essential to acknowledge and validate your own feelings. Taking a step back to self-soothe and regain emotional balance can help prevent an escalation of the conflict. Communicating your need for a temporary break to collect your thoughts and calm down allows for a more productive discussion later on.

#2. You use stonewalling as an offensive tactic

In some cases, individuals may use shutting down as a passive-aggressive way to retaliate or punish their partner during an argument. By withdrawing and refusing to engage, they hope to convey their displeasure and manipulate the situation in their favor.

This behavior is usually referred to as stonewalling and is characterized by not making eye contact, abandoning from discussions before they're resolved, avoiding certain topics altogether, and abruptly halting arguments if things get too heated.

The thing we forget about stonewalling is that it is a double-edged sword that hurts both parties, according to a study published in Negotiation and Conflict Management. While stonewalling might satisfy your immediate need to dismiss the other and preserve your peace of mind, over time you might realize that you have been withholding your emotions and complaints too, leading to fruitless rumination.

If you want to avoid turning molehills in mountains, it is much better to defer the argument momentarily and try to understand what triggered your stonewalling instinct. Once you have conferred with yourself about the fight, you will be able to open up and communicate your problem without alienating your challenger or yourself.

#3. You are having the same fight repeatedly

No matter how much we try to 'optimize' our style of combat, there are certain issues that are unresolvable between two people or groups of people. Whether because of trauma or emotional baggage, some areas of conversation have to be cordoned off to protect the emotions of one or both parties.

Research published in PLOS-ONE that explored the top causes of breakups in relationships found that 'arguments' featured in the top two causes of dissolution for most people. This shows that, sometimes, the issue is too big and you simply cannot 'talk it out.' You may have to rely on the passage of time to heal.

If such a wound exists in your life, it is advisable to consult a mental health professional to understand it and recognize when you must stop trying to rehabilitate the situation at the expense of your sanity.

Conclusion

Arguments are not inherently negative experiences. They help us understand ourselves better and develop skills that we would not be able to otherwise. Shutting down during conflict might help you feel better temporarily, but never engaging in conflict can defer its resolution indefinitely.