A Relationship With An 'Enabler' Can Ruin Your Life

Someone with good intentions will never need to convince you that they do. Here's how to know if it's time to cut an 'enabler' out of your life.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 26, 2024

Fans of TLC's My 600 Pound Life might know, in graphic detail, how hard living with morbid obesity can be. Each episode follows the one-year journey of an obese individual attempting to receive potentially life-saving therapy from the infamous Dr. Now. With the help of gastric bypass surgery, participants hope to slim down and potentially reverse all the life-threatening risks that come with obesity.

Due to their size, many of the show's participants have limited mobility, often leaving audience members asking a critical question—who is getting them that much food? More often than not, the answer comes in the form of a loving spouse shown happily dishing out plates full of junk food to feed their unhealthy spouse.

The show stirs controversial debates on the role of enablers in these people's lives, such as, can you truly say you love someone while simultaneously assisting their destruction?

While enablers such as the ones on My 600 Pound Life face much public backlash, it does very little to solve the real issue at hand. How does one recognize enabling behavior in others and, more importantly, in oneself? Understanding the psychology behind enablers in romantic relationships is crucial for addressing dynamics to foster healthier connections.

How Does Enabling Behavior Creep Into Relationships?

Enablers widen hidden cracks in dysfunctional relationships, often operating under a veil of good intentions. While their actions appear supportive, they inadvertently perpetuate the problems they aim to solve.

While My 600 Pound Life is an extreme example of an enabler, toxic partners come in many forms. From addiction to everyday unhealthy habits like smoking and excessive drinking, enabling behavior transcends issues. A person can enable anything from their partner's addictions to mental health struggles. These people tend to engage in various actions that shield the struggling individual from the natural consequences of their choices.

As a 2003 study in the journal Addictive Behaviors points out, a person can enable their partner's destructive behaviors in several ways:

• They can engage in harmful behaviors with their partner
• They can purchase or provide their partner with their substance of choice
• They can give them money to engage in destructive behavior
• They can provide them with a safe space to engage in destructive behaviors

Why Do People Enable Despite The Consequences?

As My 600 Pound Life highlights, the participants often bond with their partners over shared meals. The partner's addiction almost becomes a way for the two lovers to connect and stay close.

The reasons behind this enabling behavior are multifaceted and often stem from a complex interplay of psychological needs. A 2019 article in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin highlights a fundamental need for relatedness in a relationship dynamic.

According to the article, the need for relatedness encompasses experiencing a sense of belonging, attachment, closeness and intimacy with their significant other. When relatedness needs are met, partners are more strongly motivated to act pro-relationship, leading to more satisfying and stable relationships.

Unfortunately, enablers often reinforce bad habits because the payoff is a sense of relatedness with their partners. Once this cycle begins, it is hard for the enabler to relinquish the habit for fear of losing the relationship. When viewed from the lens of relatedness, we can see how codependent or trauma bonds can also spawn relationships that revolve around enabling one another.

According to the 1986 book Codependency: Misunderstood—Mistreated, some enablers also have a strong need for control and feel responsible for their partner's happiness and well-being. They believe that by participating in their partner's problems, they can maintain a sense of control over the relationship.

Breaking the cycle of enabling is challenging but essential for the health of both parties involved. It requires a delicate balance of compassion, firm boundaries and the willingness to tolerate short-term discomfort for long-term growth. By understanding the psychology behind enabling behavior, individuals can rewrite these relationship dynamics, fostering genuine support and empowerment rather than perpetuating dependency cycles.

Do you feel the inexplicable need to control your relationship? Take the science-backed Relationship Control Scale to know if this is a cause for concern.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.