A Psychologist Explains The 4 Kinds Of 'Divorce Seekers'
Divorce is a tumultuous process, and it's especially hard to come to terms with. Here's four ways that people generally approach it.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | December 03, 2024
Divorce is a deeply personal, complex and overwhelming decision. For some, it stems from intense conflict; for others, it's a slow drift apart. A 2021 study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy sheds light on this decision-making process, revealing four distinct types of individuals contemplating divorce, each with unique approaches to addressing their marital struggles.
Here are the four types of people who think about getting a divorce, and how they go about trying to save their marriage, according to the study.
1. Intense Seekers
"Intense seekers," comprising about 6% of the study's participants, are relentless in their pursuit of marital repair. They work hard to save their relationship, seeking professional therapy, reading self-help books, working on personal growth and attempting earnest conversations with their spouse about their issues.
Researchers found that these individuals are often younger, with an average age of 36, and are more educated than the other groups, with a strong initial hope in their marriage's potential.
Despite their vigorous and sustained efforts, intense seekers often face severe challenges like mental health struggles, excessive conflict and issues such as infidelity, substance abuse or disagreements over finances or housework in their marriages. Their intense commitment can lead to burnout, as many find their hope dwindling over time.
Unfortunately, this group also sees the highest divorce rates, with 15% divorced and 20% separated by the study's end a year later. In fact, this group is the most likely to discuss divorce with their spouse and a quarter of these participants reported thinking about divorce often in recent times.
It's also possible that members of this group may not be on the same page as their spouse, leading to a marital breakdown—one may seek reconciliation, while the other is steadily moving towards divorce.
2. Moderate-Fading Seekers
"Moderate-fading seekers" accounted for about 14% of those surveyed. Initially, such spouses engage in moderate levels of various relationship repair behaviors, such as reading relationship advice and seeking professional help. However, their efforts wane over time, especially when it comes to marital therapy, leaving many with unresolved issues.
"Demographically, this group was the least educated, with 42% having only a high school degree or less. Lower education and fewer resources may have dampened relationship-repair behaviors in this group," the researchers explain.
This group is also vulnerable to intense problems like abuse or infidelity, coupled with issues of marital disconnection such as growing apart or losing romantic feelings for one another. However, they are also the least likely to divorce, with religiosity and cultural factors potentially playing a role in keeping them bound to unhappy marriages.
"About a quarter of Moderate-Fading Seekers said they thought about divorce a lot, although only about half had talked about it with their spouse. Only 19% said they really did not want a divorce, the lowest by far of any of the four groups," the researchers add.
The fading efforts of this group highlight the importance of consistency in relationship repair. While external pressures may prevent divorce, unaddressed problems can simmer, leading to deep, long-term dissatisfaction. While there were no divorces in this group a year after the study, 19% had separated and most were at risk to divorce in the years to come.
3. Minimal-Private Seekers
The largest group, known as the "minimal-private seekers" made up about 42% of the study's participants. This group prefers to keep their marital struggles private. They rarely seek professional help or talk about their feelings, opting instead for occasional personal efforts such as having serious talks with their spouse and trying to forgive them for wrongdoings.
Unlike intense seekers, minimal-private seekers report fewer severe issues and are less likely to think about divorce, yet their reluctance to confront problems openly can lead to a stagnant marriage. Many harbor mixed feelings, with only 35% being glad they were still married.
This group reminds us that avoiding conflict doesn't equate to resolution. While their marriages may lack overt strife, the absence of connection and fulfillment, and the lack of repair attempts leaves them vulnerable to eventual separation.
4. Private-Sustained Seekers
The second-largest group, "private-sustained seekers" accounted for 38% of participants. They are similar to minimal-private seekers in their preference for privacy, but are far more consistent in their actions to save their marriages.
These participants were characterized by their dedication to addressing relationship problems through private and sustained efforts rather than seeking external or professional interventions. This group demonstrated the highest levels of personal repair behaviors, such as having serious discussions with their spouse, working to resolve issues or forgiving them.
Such spouses also engaged in self-help activities like reading self-help books or browsing websites for relationship advice, though professional help-seeking remained notably low, with fewer than 30% pursuing options like couples therapy.
This group remained steadfast in their commitment to staying together, and were least likely to say they wanted a divorce. However, they still ended up with the second-highest divorce rates a year later.
This outcome may reflect the limitations of relying solely on personal efforts rather than external help to resolve deeply entrenched or systemic issues in the relationship. While their problems were not as intense as those faced by the intense seekers, they reported moderate levels of difficulties with communication, growing apart or disagreements about marital roles. These challenges may have undermined their otherwise earnest attempts at relationship repair.
This group highlights the potential shortcomings of tackling marital difficulties in isolation, emphasizing the importance of a more comprehensive approach to relationship repair. Their journey shows that sustained personal effort, while commendable, isn't always enough.
For those on the brink of divorce, seeking professional help, sustaining consistent efforts and engaging in honest communication with your spouse can shift the narrative. Of course, it's also important to recognize when letting go is the best way forward.
By understanding these four archetypes, one can navigate this path with greater self-awareness and choose action over stagnation. Whether it's mending the cracks or embracing a new chapter, the choice is always ours to make, but we don't have to do it all alone.
Are you truly satisfied in your marriage? Take this science-backed test to find out: Marital Satisfaction Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.