3 Signs You're Doing All The Heavy Lifting In Your Relationship

Relationships require effort—a lot of which goes unnoticed. Here's three signs that you're bearing the 'invisible load' in your relationship.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 14, 2024

We all know relationships come with challenges, but some are hidden in plain sight. The "invisible load" refers to the unseen emotional, mental and logistical responsibilities that individuals often carry in relationships, particularly in cohabiting or married partnerships. This load can leave one partner feeling exhausted, underappreciated, resentful and overburdened, even when the division of physical chores seems equal.

For instance, you may have found yourself juggling thoughts of household responsibilities while at work or feeling utterly exhausted at the end of the day, even if you and your partner cleaned the house together. This might be a sign of the invisible load weighing on you.

A 2023 study aptly titled "Who's remembering to buy the eggs?" published in the Journal of Business and Psychology examines the invisible load within families and relationships. The researchers highlight that while some tasks, like washing dishes or taking out the trash are visible, others remain unnoticed, but carry significant cognitive and emotional weight.

Here are three signs that you carry the "invisible load" in your relationship, according to the study.

1. The Managerial Load

The managerial load involves the ongoing responsibility of planning, organizing and coordinating tasks for the household. This encompasses a full-scale management of family or household needs, schedules and daily logistics. From coordinating family activities to planning meals and organizing household routines, the managerial load requires constant awareness and foresight.

In many relationships, one partner may take on this role by default, which can lead to burnout, especially if their partner assumes these tasks are simply "taken care of." This may be unintentional—but that's the problem. One partner slows down and intentionally notices what needs to be done, while the other does not.

If you're the one constantly supervising and delegating tasks or thinking about who needs to be where, what needs to be done and how to streamline daily routines, you might be shouldering the managerial load. When left unchecked, this load can cause feelings of resentment, especially if your partner doesn't understand the mental energy and time it consumes.

2. The Cognitive Load

The cognitive load represents the mental effort involved in keeping track of all ongoing tasks and upcoming responsibilities in a relationship or household. It's about continuously processing and mentally managing all details that require attention.

The cognitive load manifests as the unseen effort of remembering and thinking through solutions before anyone else even realizes there's a problem. For instance, remembering that a certain bill is due soon and mentally scheduling a time to pay it, even if the task isn't assigned or formally noted anywhere, or keeping track of which pantry items are running low, what needs replenishing and mentally planning for the next grocery trip.

Even if you're not directly handling every task, the cognitive load means you're still the one overseeing, recalling and anticipating needs. Think of it as maintaining a mental to-do list of ongoing projects and deadlines in your mind—all day, every day.

Due to this load, one partner may feel mentally exhausted and preoccupied, even during times meant for rest or relaxation. This type of mental labor often goes unnoticed because it's internal and unseen, yet it demands significant mental space. Over time, carrying the cognitive load can lead to chronic stress and strain relationships, as you feel that you're never truly "off duty."

This constant state of "being on top of things" can be exhausting. It's one reason why, even after physically sharing household chores, one partner might still feel more tired than the other. This can create frustration and resentment, especially when the other partner is unattuned to this ongoing responsibility.

3. The Emotional Load

The emotional load in relationships involves the underlying concern for the happiness, well-being and comfort of everyone in the family or cohabiting household. If you're often the one worrying about how everyone is doing, trying to maintain harmony or preemptively solving conflicts, you're likely carrying the emotional load.

Often, people carrying the emotional load experience anxiety about household duties being ignored, their children's development or their relationship's health. Researchers found that the emotional load can lead to exhaustion in one's job and family, sleep disturbances and a less satisfying personal and family life. This load is perhaps the heaviest of the invisible responsibilities.

For instance, this includes the stress that if you don't do certain tasks yourself or delegate them, they won't get done. You might also feel the weight of ensuring that family traditions or special events go smoothly or feel constantly responsible for guiding your partner on how to meet fundamental relationship needs.

Unsurprisingly, researchers found that women report higher levels of each type of load, a pattern rooted in patriarchal social expectations that women are "naturally" good at caregiving and household roles.

It's also common for the invisible load to go unaddressed in relationships, partly because it's hard to pinpoint, even for the person carrying it. However, the imbalance becomes clear when one partner starts feeling overwhelmed or begins resenting the unacknowledged work they're doing behind the scenes.

Here are a few ways couples can work together to balance the invisible load:

• Openly address it. Communicating openly about the invisible load can help your partner understand the mental and emotional effort involved. Share examples of tasks or responsibilities that you find burdensome, and explain how they impact your energy and mood. Encourage your partner to share their own experiences too.
• List and delegate responsibilities equally. Often, a visual representation of all the invisible responsibilities can help make them more tangible. Sit down together, list them and delegate them in a way that feels fair to both of you.
• Be mindful and proactive. Instead of waiting to be told what to do, both partners can make a habit of observing what needs to be done and simply doing it. This means consciously paying attention to the smaller details and responsibilities that keep the household or relationship running smoothly.
• Check in regularly. Even after dividing responsibilities, it's important to check in with each other periodically. Relationships are dynamic, and so are household needs. Regular check-ins and shared decision-making ensure that neither partner is feeling overburdened and that adjustments can be made when necessary.

Understanding the invisible load isn't about pointing fingers, but about cultivating a mindset of shared accountability and recognizing how each partner can contribute to a healthier balance. Balancing this load allows both partners to show up more fully, free from the quiet exhaustion of doing it alone.

Are you feeling burnt out in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Couple Burnout Measure

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.