3 Signs Your Independence Is Preventing You From A Relationship

Are you 'too independent' to find love? Here's how to tell if your hyper-independence is preventing you from genuine connection.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 27, 2024

Connection is an inherent human need. But for some, connection was never truly an option. Imagine a child longing for a parent's love, only to be pushed away, left to carry the weight of their own fears, needs and hurts.

In such isolation, they learn early to be their own source of comfort and to tackle life's struggles alone because no one else will. Over time, this child grows up, learning that people can be unreliable, that things fall apart and that every bond carries the risk of betrayal. They survive, then thrive, on self-reliance.

For these individuals, independence is more than a choice; it's their lifeline—a way of life that's kept them safe. Yet, as they navigate relationships, they may find that their hard-won independence is both a strength and a barrier. While independence builds resilience, hyper-independence creates a barrier that blocks genuine connection, turning self-reliance into isolation.

Here are three signs that your hyper-independence may be keeping you just out of reach of the intimacy you truly need.

1. Reluctance To Ask For Help

Hyper-independence often shows up as an intense reluctance to ask for help, rooted in a fear of vulnerability. These individuals equate self-sufficiency with strength and leaning on others can feel like an admission of weakness or dependency, both of which may trigger feelings of discomfort or anxiety.

A study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science sheds light on how early interpersonal experiences shape behaviors in adult relationships. This research, spanning decades, reveals that attachment patterns formed in infancy—such as secure or insecure bonds with caregivers—affect emotional regulation, conflict resolution and openness in romantic relationships later in life. Individuals with early experiences of inconsistent support often develop self-reliance as a protective mechanism.

They may keep emotional or personal challenges to themselves, not wanting to "burden" their partner, which can create distance over time. Individuals who struggle to seek help or show vulnerability often experience heightened psychological distress and loneliness.

Bridging the gap between hyper-independence and meaningful connection begins with small steps toward vulnerability. One practical approach is to practice asking for support in low-stakes scenarios.

For instance, you might ask your partner's opinion on a personal decision, like planning a weekend activity together or seeking help with a household task. These small gestures allow you to experience reliance in a safe, supportive environment, gradually reshaping your perception of interdependence as a positive aspect of partnership.

By embracing vulnerability, you can learn to rely on your partner and transform hyper-independence into a balanced connection.

2. Building An Emotional Wall To Keep Their Distance

For hyper-independent individuals, emotional distance feels like protection. They believe love inevitably leads to disappointment, as closeness often results in loss and heartbreak. To them, closeness comes at a price: people leave, bonds break and what once felt safe eventually fades, making the effort feel futile. To avoid this, they share only the "good times" and keep struggles hidden, convinced that, in the end, they only have themselves.

Avoidant individuals often strive for independence by suppressing their emotions and distancing themselves from others. A 2016 study published in Current Opinion in Psychology highlights how attachment orientations impact responses to stress in relationships. The study found that avoidant attachment—a common outcome for those who experienced instability or unmet needs early in life—leads individuals to distance themselves from their partners in distressing situations.

They view closeness as a threat to their autonomy, which fosters a strong preference for self-reliance over shared vulnerability. In response to stress, they react defensively, seeking to maintain control rather than turning to others for support.

To bridge this emotional gap, it is crucial to challenge the belief that closeness will always result in disappointment. Here are some effective techniques to reframe this mindset:

• Shift beliefs gradually. Start by challenging the idea that intimacy always leads to hurt or betrayal. Instead of aiming for an immediate change, try reflecting on one positive relationship experience each day.
• Weekly connection practice with your partner. Once a week, make an intentional effort to share something meaningful or vulnerable with your partner, such as a personal story, a goal or a concern. Afterward, take a moment to reflect on how it felt to be open and connected in this way. Notice if there were any unexpected feelings of closeness, relief or appreciation.
• Self-compassion statements. If fears of closeness or disappointment arise, try a self-compassion exercise. Write down reassuring phrases like, "It's okay to enjoy closeness without worrying about future hurt," or, "This connection is unique and doesn't have to repeat past patterns."

By confronting these fears and gradually opening up, hyper-independent individuals can begin to experience closeness as a source of trust and connection, fostering a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.

3. Prioritizing Solitude Over Shared Experiences

Hyper-independent individuals often maintain rigid boundaries that reinforce their sense of self-sufficiency, rarely expressing a need for their partner's support, advice or presence. They often prioritize solitary pursuits over shared experiences, leading their relationships to take a backseat. They may consistently choose individual hobbies, interests or projects, creating a pattern in which their partner is only peripherally involved in their lives.

Furthermore, the idea of making sacrifices or compromises may feel uncomfortable—or even intrusive—for them, as these adjustments challenge their deep-rooted need for autonomy and control. To them, compromise can seem like a threat to their independence rather than a natural part of the relationship. They may resist blending schedules, adjusting personal goals or making even small sacrifices for the relationship, fearing that these actions will lead to unwanted dependency.

To foster a healthy balance between independence and intimacy, focus on small but impactful shifts. You can do this by:

• Communicating openly with your partner about your needs, expressing both your desire for alone time and commitment to the relationship. This helps them understand that solitude isn't a rejection but a personal preference.
• Showing willingness to make occasional compromises by engaging in shared activities, like regular date nights or quality time together, to foster trust and connection without feeling like your independence is being compromised.
• Expressing your need for space calmly and non-defensively to promote mutual understanding, balancing autonomy with a commitment to meaningful togetherness.

Genuine connection invites us to embrace vulnerability and balance, proving that even the most self-reliant can find fulfillment in the warmth and trust of another.

Wondering if a fear of intimacy is holding you back? Take this test to gain insights and start your journey toward deeper connections: Fear of Intimacy Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.