A Psychologist Explains 4 Essential Conversations Couples Should Have Before The New Year
As partners evolve, relationships must evolve too. These discussions strengthen trust, clarity, and connection.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | December 29, 2025
There is something strangely refreshing about the end-of-the-year stretch. Perhaps it's the sense that time coheres into a neat box, or the psychological appeal of getting a brand-new start. But, culturally, humans have an intuitive understanding that the year's end is time for stock-taking. In matters of the heart, this seasonal pause offers an opportunity to recalibrate with a spirit of intentionality. Couples that succeed are the ones that regularly have honest conversations.
These conversations are best had before your next year formally begins so that you have a chance at actively shaping the story, instead of being reactive to it. Here are four end-of-year conversations for couples who want to go into the New Year with a fresh perspective. Think of them as your chance to close all of your tabs, clear your inbox and organize your planner for January.
1. The "What Worked For Us This Year?" Conversation
There is growing evidence that one of the most powerful things partners can do is noticing what went well, instead of focusing on what went wrong. There has long been an empirical base within positive psychology demonstrating that expressing gratitude for what's working can build resilience and improve relationship satisfaction.
Importantly, experimental research indicates that it's not so much the act of gratitude itself that matters, but precisely how your partner responds to it. Where there's a sense of recognition and understanding on both sides, the benefits multiply exponentially because it enhances "we-ness," thereby increasing the couple's communal resources. But if there's a low response rate, it leads to a far weaker result, reminding us that authentic connection is the engine of relational growth.
This conversation, then, is simple but deceptively powerful. You might ask:
- What did we handle well as a team this year?
- What small rituals, practices or choices made us feel closer?
- Which moments stood out like "us at our best"?
It isn't about sentimentalizing the year, but about the relational patterns worth carrying forward. Perhaps it was your check-ins on weeks that were stressful. Perhaps it was a goofy morning ritual that was unexpectedly grounding. Perhaps it was fiercely protecting your date nights.
It can be both enjoyable and therapeutic talking about these things, as it strengthens the psychological scaffolding of the relationship. It gives partners a collective mental map for the year ahead and reduces the risk of slipping into autopilot.
2. The "What Was Hard for Us This Year?" Conversation
We have a natural propensity toward avoiding pain. But avoidance doesn't resolve our issues; if anything, it only accumulates and compounds it. A 2022 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, details how, when partners are met with difficult emotions or asked to change, they often use suppression to avoid conflict.
Although this suppression may create harmony in the short run, it rarely builds long-term connection. In fact, it helps the partners "meet expectations" only briefly until the buried tension resurfaces. Reappraisal — that is, pausing to understand and articulate one's emotions — predicts healthier adjustment and more sustainable relational change.
This is why asking "What was hard for us this year?" holds so much weight. The goal isn't to re-litigate old conflicts; it's to acknowledge what felt heavy and release what doesn't need to follow you into the next year. Consider the following questions to invite clarity rather than conflict.
- What stretched us thin?
- What themes kept resurfacing?
- What needs went unspoken?
- What are we still clinging onto?
Naming difficult experiences reduces emotional reactivity, increases cognitive clarity and enhances emotional safety. Couples who do this regularly reinforce that they're capable of talking about hard things without breaking.
And often, simply saying, "We were overwhelmed," or, "I didn't know how to ask for help," can soften frustrations and give rise to compassion. This conversation helps partners avoid the buildup that hurts relationships far more than hardship.
3. The "What Do We Want Our Next Year to Feel Like?" Conversation
There is consistent evidence showing that couples who share a sense of future orientation fare better across nearly every relational metric. A 2022 meta-analytic study suggests that partners who align their goals and support each other's aspirations report significantly higher relationship satisfaction.
In fact, the strongest predictor in the study was goal congruence, which refers to how similar partners' visions for the future are. In contrast, goal conflict reliably predicts lower satisfaction, underscoring the relational cost of unspoken, unaligned desires.
This one conversation turns the focus from "What should we do next year?" to "What do we want our relationship to feel like next year?" It's an invitation to design the emotional architecture of the year ahead through intentional tone-setting. A few particularly anchoring questions that can help you as couples co-create that vision are:
- What parts of self do we want to see grow individually that in turn will strengthen us collectively?
- What would allow us to feel more connected on a daily basis?
- What's one relational ritual that we want to make sure we're prioritizing?
If you find surprising differences, remind yourself that this is not a list of incompatibilities. It's a design challenge, and working through the difficulties together will make your sense of "us" stronger.
By intentionally choosing the emotional "design" of the following year, you are far more likely to actually see significant change, rather than slip back into your old habits. It's a way to consciously co-creating your relationship throughout the year.
4. The "What Will We Protect Next Year?" Conversation
Every great relationship has guardrails that anchor the partnership. But most couples never name them explicitly. And couples who can identify and preserve these "protective factors" are better at navigating stressors, resisting external pressures and sustaining intimacy over time.
Research on boundary management in dual-earner couples illustrates this: partners signal higher relationship satisfaction when the couple has a clear sense of what can interrupt what, especially when family needs briefly intrude into work. It isn't the interruption itself that gives a boost to the relationship, but rather the shared agreement over it.
In this sense, the "What will we protect next year?" conversation challenges couples to name what, in their partnership, is sacred and what cannot be sacrificed — no matter how busy or overwhelmed they might get.
For some, that may be a routine practice such as having slow Sunday mornings. For others, it may be a relational norm such as no major conflict right before bedtime strictly, or always debriefing before making big decisions. Some couples protect boundaries around extended family, while others protect individual mental health practices or time for solitude.
A few grounding questions to help uncover these anchors are:
- What are some relational practices that would help us feel most grounded?
- What boundaries protect us from burnout or unnecessary conflict?
- Which parts of our relationship need more protection, as we have neglected them this year?
Naming non-negotiables creates shared responsibility. It's a way to communicate to each other that you know what matters in the relationship and you are committed to honoring it, no matter how easy or demanding it is.
Couples who regularly have these kinds of conversations are more likely to flourish. Take this science-backed test to find out if you're one of them: Relationship Flourishing Scale
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A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.