5 Signs You’re Co-Ruminating, Not Venting

How obsessively discussing problems can trap you in a cycle of anxiety.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | Reviewed by Jourdan Travers, LCSW | Feb 27, 2026

We all have bad days, and sharing our frustrations with a trusted friend or partner is a cornerstone of emotional health. This process, known in psychology as "venting," allows us to release bottled-up tension and seek social support.

However, there is a fine line between healthy venting and a darker, more passive communication pattern called co-rumination.

While venting usually leaves you feeling lighter, co-rumination can make you feel more anxious, stressed, and stuck. It is crucial to recognize the difference, as research suggests that while co-rumination strengthens friendships, it simultaneously escalates the risk of depression and anxiety.

Here are five research-backed signs that your conversations have crossed the line from venting to co-rumination.

1. The Conversation Is Cyclical, Not Linear

Vending is a release mechanism. You share your frustration, get validation, and then the conversation progresses. Co-rumination, however, is a trap. If you find yourself and your friend endlessly revisiting the same details of a problem—the same unfair comment by a boss, the exact wording of a breakup text—without ever moving forward, you are co-ruminating.

2. The Focus Is Exclusively Negative

A key distinction between venting and rumination is the emotional trajectory of the discussion.

Venting often allows for perspective-taking or finding a "silver lining." Co-rumination is a relentless focus on the negative aspects. The shared goal becomes escalating the grievance rather than defusing it.

3. There Is No Pursuit of Solutions

According to research on rumination, the defining characteristic of this behavior is that it is passive. Venting often serves as a prelude to problem-solving. Co-rumination focuses entirely on problem-dwelling. The conversation focuses on how bad the problem is, rather than what can be done to fix it.

4. Emotional Distress Is Escalated, Not Reduced

The most immediate metric to measure co-rumination is how you feel after the interaction.

• Venting: Leaves you feeling "heard," relieved, and de-escalated.
• Co-rumination: Leaves you feeling more agitated, hopeless, and stressed than when the conversation began.

By validating each other's catastrophic thinking, you and your friend are effectively magnifying your collective stress.

5. Mutual Reinforcement of Anxiety

In co-ruminative relationships, anxiety becomes the currency of connection.

When you share a worry, the co-ruminator doesn't offer grounding perspective; they reinforce the fear. It creates a feedback loop where you become close through shared distress, which psychologically incentivizes the continued focus on anxiety-inducing topics.

How to Stop Co-Ruminating and Start Venting

Breaking the cycle of co-rumination requires conscious effort. Here are three strategies to help pivot your conversations back to a healthy state:

• Set a Venting Timer: It is okay to complain, but place a limit on it (e.g., 10 minutes). After the timer goes off, the topic must change.
• Pivot to Action: As soon as you recognize the loop, gently pivot the conversation with a question like: "Okay, that situation is terrible. What is the one small step we can think of that you can take next?"
• Introduce a Positive Distraction: If you cannot find a solution, change the channel. Suggest a walk, a movie, or a different topic entirely to break the rumination cycle.

Your relationships should be a source of psychological strength, not a stress multiplier. By recognizing these signs, you can ensure your conversations are helping you heal, rather than holding you back.

About the Author

Mark Travers, Ph.D., is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, responsible for new client intake and placement. Mark received his B.A. in psychology, magna cum laude, from Cornell University and his M.A. and Ph.D. from the University of Colorado Boulder. His academic research has been published in leading psychology journals and has been featured in The New York Times and The New Yorker. He is a regular contributor for Forbes, CNBC, and Psychology Today. Click here to schedule an initial consultation with Mark or another member of the Awake Therapy team.