3 Ways To Break The Cycle Of Family Trauma
Generational trauma carries immense weight, but it should never be your burden to bear. Here's three ways to free yourself from it.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | December 26, 2024
Cycles of trauma, abuse and mistreatment can feel impossible to escape. What's even worse is that it can be just as hard to break free of the mentality that we are condemned to live the same life as those before us, bound to repeat the same mistakes and let the cycle live on. However, generational trauma isn't a life sentence. In fact, you can break these cycles with small, conscious efforts—little by little, each day.
Here are three ways to tell if you've already begun breaking the cycle and successfully rewriting your story.
1. You Let Go Of Things That No Longer Serve You
"Mentalization theory," as highlighted in a 2020 study published in the Journal of Infant, Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, refers to the ability to understand and interpret one's own and others' mental states—such as thoughts, emotions and intentions.
This skill plays a key role in breaking harmful familial cycles, as it requires acute levels of self-awareness. We often fail to recognize how many invisible barriers trauma can create, especially when it comes to self-reflection.
Researchers found that trauma can make it notably hard for parents to understand their children's feelings or how their behavior affects their kids. This, in turn, can make children feel unsafe and unable to trust others—which, unsurprisingly, enables the cycle to continue.
Families dealing with trauma often carry unresolved emotions or beliefs from the past. For example, you might tell yourself, "I was neglected, so I have to do everything myself." Or, perhaps you cling to ideas passed down to you, such as "Showing emotions is weak."
Either way, these patterns are likely what served you or your parents as coping mechanisms during your own difficult childhoods. However, as you grow, these can greatly diminish your ability to connect healthily with one another and can hinder progress in other areas of your life, such as your relationships, career or self-care.
However, if you recognize these patterns and acknowledge their outdated or harmful nature, you're already within the process of breaking the cycle. By letting go of the guilt, shame or anger tied to your past, you can focus on building a deeper understanding of your own—and your family's—thoughts and feelings. This allows you to realize the origins of these patterns and recognize that despite their reliability, they no longer serve you.
Take Sarah, for instance. During a stressful day at work, she realizes she's beating herself up over a minor mistake. She pauses and thinks, "Where is this voice coming from?" and recognizes it as her mother's critical tone that always demanded perfection.
In response, Sarah reminds herself that mistakes are human, and that they don't define her worth. This small, but powerful moment of self-awareness and release was a step toward breaking her family's cycle of hypercriticism.
2. You Practice Radical Acceptance
According to a 2023 study from Behaviour Research and Therapy, "radical acceptance," a skill often emphasized in dialectical behavioral therapy, helps individuals process difficult emotions that are otherwise overpowering. Researchers found that when people practiced radical acceptance for two weeks, they improved at both accepting their emotions and reinterpreting past events in a healthier way.
Radical acceptance involves fully accepting things as they are—without trying to fight, change or deny the reality of a situation—even when it's painful or upsetting. It doesn't mean you agree with or like what happened; just that you stop resisting it emotionally.
This acceptance is paramount for moving forward from trauma, as opposed to allowing anger, denial or frustration to keep you stuck in a perpetually negative headspace.
Often, we look at past traumas and tell ourselves "It's not fair," or, "That shouldn't have happened." And we're right. However, when we persistently resist reality in this way, we allow ourselves to get sucked into the pain and anger of what happened.
Instead, radical acceptance helps release that resistance, freeing up energy to focus on what can change—like improving relationships, setting better boundaries or addressing how your past trauma is affecting you today.
So many negative family cycles—such as unhealthy communication or neglectful parenting patterns—are fueled by unresolved pain or frustration over past events. Radical acceptance allows you to acknowledge the hurt caused by these patterns and break free from the emotional burden of the past.
Consider Sarah once again. This morning, she received a dismissive comment from a sibling— echoing years of belittlement she'd endured. Although initially frustrated, she decided to take a deep breath and remind herself, "I can't change their behavior, but I can control my response."
In the past, she would've expended immense energy trying to explain how hurtful this comment was. Today, however, she chose not to engage and instead to journal her feelings later. By accepting the situation without resistance, Sarah freed herself from the emotional hold it had over her.
3. You've Mastered The Art Of Boundary Setting
According to renowned psychotherapist Salvador Minuchin—in his classic book Families and Family Therapy, published in 1974—boundaries are the cornerstone of a healthy family relationship.
In essence, Minuchin proposed that healthy families have clear boundaries—not too rigid or too loose. In an optimal family dynamic, everyone respects each other's individuality while still being connected. Parents are in charge, and children have enough independence to grow, while still feeling supported.
However, in families with overly loose boundaries, there's significant emotional overlap and roles are largely unclear. Parents may act like friends or dependents instead of authority figures, and children may be forced to take on adult responsibilities. This can lead to enmeshment, where members become overly dependent on each other.
When breaking harmful family cycles—like patterns of emotional neglect, abuse or enmeshment—it's critical to examine and reorganize the family boundaries to ensure healthier relationships, even if you need to do so alone.
If you grew up in a family with loose or nonexistent boundaries, you might have been overly involved in their issues or felt pressured to meet their emotional needs. Here, reorganizing boundaries is crucial for reclaiming your personal space, identity and sense of autonomy—and correcting unbalanced power dynamics.
However, family members still caught in the negative cycle may sometimes refuse to respect your new boundaries. This can be difficult, but you must remember that your boundaries mean little if there are no consequences for crossing them. If family members repeatedly dismiss your boundaries, limiting communication shows them you're serious about your limits.
Additionally, staying connected with those who refuse to change (perhaps out of trauma bonding, fear or even just kindness) can keep you stuck in the cycle of dysfunction. By reinforcing your boundaries and cutting ties where necessary, you signal to yourself—and future generations—that you stay committed to breaking the cycle.
For instance, Sarah's family has a long-standing habit of borrowing money without repayment. She recently set a firm boundary, but faced backlash after refusing her brother's latest request.
Instead of reminding him that it hurt her when he only spoke to her to get money or that he still owed her from before, she calmly enforced her boundary, and ended the conversation when he persisted. Though difficult, and despite her guilt, this decision reinforced her autonomy, sending a clear message about her limits.
Over time—with just these three small steps, and perhaps without consciously realizing it—Sarah has slowly but surely broken the cycle, and you can too.
Were you given unrealistic roles and responsibilities as a child? Take this science-backed test, and find out if your trauma could be the product of "parentification": Parentification Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.