Self-Compassion Is Sexy, According To Research

Being kinder to yourself can up your attraction factor in your partner's eyes

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 21, 2024

A 2024 study published in the journal Personal Relationships found that an individual's display of self-compassion in a relationship is associated with their romantic partner experiencing high levels of relationship satisfaction.

Self-compassion is the practice of treating oneself with kindness, understanding and acceptance, especially in the face of challenges or personal shortcomings. It involves recognizing one's own humanity, acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and speaking to oneself in a supportive and encouraging manner, much like one would to a friend in difficult times.

A 2023 study suggests that instead of feeling isolated or alone in one's struggles, self-compassion involves understanding that challenging life events are part of the shared human experience. Further, it serves as an invaluable emotional tool, encouraging mindful awareness of one's thoughts and feelings without over-identifying with them.

Self-compassion also enhances individual well-being. Research shows that it is linked to higher levels of optimism, cheerfulness, life satisfaction and lower levels of stress and occupational burnout. These positive qualities then become a magnet for stronger and happier romantic connections.

Here are three reasons why a self-compassionate attitude can benefit your love life, according to the 2024 study.

1. Constructive Conflict Resolution

Research shows that highly self-compassionate individuals tend to experience greater well-being in their relationships due to conflict resolution styles that allow for compromise. This approach reflects a higher level of care and respect in relationships.

"Solving romantic relationships problems by compromising and refraining from personal attacks helps to maintain satisfying relationships. Conflicts are inevitable in romantic couples and a partner's style in how they resolve their conflicts is more predictive of relationship satisfaction than the content of the conflict itself," the researchers explain.

Individuals who practice self-compassion are better equipped to navigate challenges, setbacks and disappointments without succumbing to excessive stress or overwhelming emotions. In a romantic relationship, this emotional resilience translates into stability and a steady anchor for both partners.

Research shows that highly self-compassionate individuals are less likely to be verbally aggressive, emotionally detached or controlling of their partners. Instead, they adopt a healthier approach of accepting their partner's point of view in a conflict and work to maintain an atmosphere of closeness, without simply complying with their wishes or losing their sense of autonomy. Researchers suggest that this may be because self-compassion encourages a person to be more forgiving rather than ruminating over interpersonal transgressions.

Further, a 2020 study found that self-compassion encourages the understanding and acceptance of one's own imperfections, which make it easier to accept a partner for who they are, rather than idealizing them. This creates a supportive, validating and authentic connection.

2. A Solid Foundation Of Trust

Researchers found that having high self-compassion is linked to experiencing freedom and opportunities for personal growth in a relationship. Self-compassionate individuals are also less likely to experience romantic jealousy or project their insecurities and frustrations onto others and are inclined to trust their partners.

"An explanation for this finding may be that self-compassion is characterized by feeling connected to other people and is related to agreeableness. Both aspects help people see good intentions in others' actions," the researchers write.

Additionally, self-compassion is associated with exhibiting more secure attachment styles in adult relationships, which suggests that such individuals generally have a positive view of themselves and their relationships, rely on their partner for support when needed, express their feelings openly and trust that their partner will be responsive and available.

Individuals with a strong sense of self-compassion also tend to derive their self-worth from within rather than seeking constant validation from external sources, allowing them to bring a secure and confident energy to relationships, freeing both partners from the pressure of disproportionately meeting each other's every emotional need.

3. Greater Commitment In Relationships

Self-compassionate individuals are less likely to display egoism—a self-centered or self-serving orientation in which an individual prioritizes their own needs, desires and interests over others'. Instead, they tend to showcase more desirable personality traits such as authenticity, benevolence and openness, that draw people in.

Researchers suggest that one partner's self-compassion has the ability to motivate the other's "pro-relationship behavior," which includes actions and attitudes that contribute positively to the development, maintenance and enhancement of interpersonal relationships.

Highly self-compassionate individuals report being more invested and committed to their relationships and perceive long-term potential in their bonds, which is associated with their partners feeling the same way.

"Men seem to experience overall satisfaction with the relationship when their female partner is self-kind and self-caring in difficult situations. Having a self-compassionate partner who is not egoistic or narcissistic seems to trigger pro-relationship behavior in men," the researchers write, highlighting a gendered effect of self-compassion.

As individuals learn to be kinder to themselves, they create a ripple effect that prompts a cycle of reciprocal positivity, where both individuals become invested in deeply nurturing the relationship. So, cultivating self-compassion is not just an individual endeavor, but a tool that enriches the shared journey of a relationship, making it more resilient, fulfilling and enduring.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.