What BDSM Can Teach Us About A Healthy And Fulfilling Sex Life

BDSM is not about violence, it is about trust and vulnerability.

By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | November 22, 2022

Many couples come to therapy when things in the bedroom are not as exciting as they once used to be. They ask questions like:

  • "Is it even possible to keep the spark alive after 20 years of being married?"
  • "My partner does not say it, but I don't think our sex life is satisfying her anymore. How do I fix something without knowing what the problem is?
  • "We have sex regularly, but I don't think either of us is particularly excited about it. How do we reintroduce spontaneity?"
  • "I don't want to reserve sex just for anniversaries and birthdays. How do we make sex a normal part of our lives again?"

People might blush at the mention of whips, binds, and blindfolds but research has shown that the BDSM (Bondage and Discipline/Dominance and Submission/Sadism and Masochism) community is more satisfied in the bedroom.

If we look past the props and sex dungeon imagery usually attributed to the group, we can see that there is still much to be learned from BDSM's core philosophy of unapologetic authenticity, safety, and clear communication.

Here are two pieces of wisdom from the world of kink and fetishism that almost every couple can incorporate into their sex lives:

#1. Communication is everything

People usually look at sex as a physical, pleasure-seeking activity that fulfills a need. The BDSM community looks at it like play: something that engages your intellect and creativity along with your body and senses. When you look at sex in all its complexity and potential – communication becomes imperative.

While we mistakenly associate sexual communication to 'dirty talk' (which can feel scripted and inauthentic), talking about your likes and dislikes, your boundaries, and your fantasies is an essential part of a healthy sex life.

People who indulge in BDSM, understandably, exhibit a deep knowledge of sex education, empathy, and clear communication compared to people who do not. A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine reports that BDSM practitioners were, on the whole, "less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being."

Conversations about your deepest desires and secret interests can open a new dimension of your sexual relationship. It could help you create scenes, dabble in roleplay successfully, and establish safe words while having sex. It can also help you experience a higher degree of intimacy and trust with your partner.

Being deliberate and curious in your sex life doesn't complicate it, it adds new colors to it.

#2. If it isn't clear, it isn't consent

According to an article in The New School Psychology Bulletin, explicit and enthusiastic consent is the central principle of BDSM philosophy, while assumed consent is common in mainstream sexual interactions.

Many BDSM practices use danger and power play as tools to induce excitement. To avoid unintentional harm or displeasure, the BDSM community relies on clear indications of consent – be it verbal or, in certain cases, written consent. It also gives both partners the inviolable right to revoke consent through safe words.

This can be contrasted with many mainstream sexual interactions where consent is actually quite unclear. For example:

  • When the partner is not asked and also does not give any explicit objection, consent is assumed.
  • Sometimes a partner is simply complying to keep you happy. While consent is given, the sex may not be desired.
  • Consent is sometimes culled out of the partner through persuasion and negotiation. This is not true consent as well.

Consent is not just about making sex safe, it is also about giving and receiving confirmations of pleasure. Explicit consent opens the floodgates for deeper sexual communication. Considering consent deeply can also make you a better listener in bed and it can help you know your partner better while also making you more assertive as a sexual partner.

Conclusion

Power play and pain-induced pleasure may not be everyone's cup of tea, but clear communication, trust, and deep interpersonal intimacy can make any sexual interaction more pleasurable and meaningful.